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YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

0 posted 2000-07-11 11:37 AM

It was her voice;
the tone and the timbre,
the flex and the texture;
empowered to bless,
curse, or protect.

It rolled across the bosom
of my mind with a musical
embrace, and fondled me in
the fondest of ways.

I knew!

Knew in the
depths of my heart
that I'd heard it before,
seen it before;
along the shores
of my dreams.

It put a hex on me,
mesmerized and captivated me;
called to me from different
points within and without,
yet never raised to the
decibel of a shout.

No.

It's whisper is a caress
of softness that devours me
as a cool drink is devoured,
with the relish of a fetish.

They say I am under her spell,
some say they could tell.
I wished I too could tell,
then I could make it two or three spells,
'cause the one I'm currently
under is pretty close to bliss.

I would not miss the chance
her voice to kiss; or to prostrate
my emotions upon the flora
of her chords, as they arrange sounds
into words and call me 'honey'
or call me 'baby' and tell me things
I'd never heard before in words familiar;
yet with meanings and utterances
that leave me laying in the gutters
of desire, seared by the
torch of her forever fire.

Truly, the words of her mouth have
become the meditations of my heart,
totally acceptable in their might.
She is my strength and I a believer.
As we spend moments fraught
with possibilities dear and potent.

YeshuJah*

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

1 posted 2000-07-11 03:16 PM

lovely lovely lovely! im so impressed! the only thing that didnt work for me in this one was the rhyming. i know thats a weird thing to say, usually in free verse poems if you do a rhyme its like, hey, fun bonus, but here, i dunno, maybe it breaks the mood or the tone or something. anyway, it struck me as put on and affected, which was contrary to the rest of the poem. which i adored. i must confess that i have a thing for voice and accents and languages, and all things aural. come near me with an accent and i melt. what can i say, im a freak.

great poem tho.
luv Elyse

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

2 posted 2000-07-11 03:17 PM

Whoa! This one likes me a LOT! Well done! I cannot find anything to criticize, well, except for the fact that this is one that I wish I would have written first!

Sunny

~~~Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.
Helen Keller ~~~

When you want to be loved, look within...KRJ

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

3 posted 2000-07-12 10:25 AM

Elyse.  You're too kind.  Glad you find this lovely.  On the rhyming thing.. I gotta admit: I gotta thing for the rhyming thing.  I love it with as much devotion as you probably dislike it with.  Anyway, a positive comment from you is well worth the thorn of disagreement.  Thanks for reading and commenting.

Sunshine.  What can I say?  We have all written the poem of others on the passages of our minds. Someone else might just beat us to the actual putting down of it.  I know where you're coming from.  Thanks for reading and commenting.  Glad you like this.

Quote:  "If I must die that I should live, then tell me: what is my present life worth?"
I actually just thought of that and wanted to share it.

Have a good day all.  YeshuJah*)

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2000-07-12 11:06 AM

Hi Yesh,

I'm not strong at critiques of free verse but I do have a couple of comments here. First, I like this very much. It flows well and tells an interesting and emotional story.

Then, I tend to agree with Elyse on the rhyme. But the only stanza where I even noticed was:
   "They say I am under her spell,
   some say they could tell.
   I wished I too could tell,
   then I could make it two or three spells,
   'cause the one I'm currently
   under is pretty close to bliss."
In this one, it seemed like you had to force it a just little.

As I read and understand the poem, I think there are a couple of minor grammar errors, easily fixed if you agree. In the stanza,
   "It put a hex on me,
   mesmerized and captivated me;
   called to me from different
   points within and without,
   yet never raised to the
   decibel of a shout.
I think raised is usually transitive and you need an intransitive here, probably "rose" or even "was raised." Then in the stanza,
   "I would not miss the chance
   her voice to kiss; or to prostrate
   my emotions upon the flora
   of her chords, as they arrange sounds
   into words and call me 'honey'
   or call me 'baby' and tell me things
   I'd never heard before in words familiar;
   yet with meanings and utterances
   that leave me laying in the gutters
   of desire, seared by the
   torch of her forever fire."
I think "lying in the gutters" would work better than "Laying ...".

As I said, these are really minor and I had to look pretty hard to find them. Also, of course, this is just one relatively unimportant opinion, so use or ignore it as you see fit

Anyway, an enjoyable read. I enjoyed it very much.

Thanks.

Pete

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 07-12-2000).]

roxane
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 505
us

5 posted 2000-07-12 11:39 AM

i think you do an excellent job of drawing the reader into the poem.  the only thing i didn't care for in this whole poem was this line:

fondled me in
the fondest of ways.

there's just something about the connotative meaning of fondled that gets me here.  it's kind of like if you kept saying "the sound of her voice makes me feel so gay!"  but only meant to say "happy".  to me, and i think to most others, fondle is sort of a negative, or at least oddly kinky word.  the "fondest" that falls right after it adds to this, i think.
otherwise, i think this is a great poem.  the words simply flow together.  the diction is perfect.  it's a really great piece.

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

6 posted 2000-07-12 05:40 PM

Hi Yes(do you mind that for an abbreviation or is there another you prefer?)

...I take most poems and translate them so I can better understand what a person is trying to say, although it's obvious with your poem I still wrote it out in french, it is truly beautiful written in french, it all flows off the tongue so sweetly, this is a lovely poem

debbie

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

7 posted 2000-07-12 10:38 PM

Pete.
Thanks for reading and commenting on the poem.  I do appreciate the time you take to do this.  I am glad that you find the poem a good one.  In answer to your critiques: regarding the stanza with the 'spells' it comes across as forced but that is exactly what I wanted to say.  I probably could think of some other way to say it.  I agree that raised should be rose(I'm not a stickler for good grammar) and I also agree that laying is probably the word I should use instead of lying.  Please note that your opinion is always important, it may not be to someone else.  But it is in and of itself important.  In my case it {is} important.  I appreciate all the help I can get.  Thanks.

Roxane.
I guess you're correct, fondle could conjure up images not really associated with the flow of the poem.  I used it here hoping to portray the intimacy of the act of fondling.  But I see what you mean.

Mysti.  The shortened form is ok.  I am glad you found the poem good enough to be able to have the same opinion of it in another language.  I wish you could post the French version of it.  My wife speaks the language and I would love to show it to her since she is the inspiration for this piece and most of the other romantic pieces I write.  I hope you can oblige me.  Thanks for reading.

YeshuJah*)

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

8 posted 2000-07-13 12:43 PM

Hi Yesh

...can your wife write french? If not I'll be happy to oblige you, I will need to redo it cuz I don't keep them after I've translated them.

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

9 posted 2000-07-13 04:19 PM

hey misti, I believe she can. I think she'll love it. Thanks for considering the idea. YeshuJah*)

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