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epoet
Member

since 2000-05-11

Posts 291
grand rapid,MI, usa

0 posted 2000-07-08 08:52 PM

Thinking and feeling
so much inside
my head and heart.

Doors opening
all around me,
I close each one
in turn,
as quick as I can.

Closing them
so that I
can close myself
from society.

Closing myself
to the losses
I've felt
from society.

The loss
of love,
loss of
a friend.

The loss
of my idol
brought my
dreams to an end.

Little left
in life
it seems.

Seeing all
that I've
wanted to see.

I struggle
to go on,
but I hear
nothing but lies.

Stories are told
about how
others' hearts'
have died.

I've been told
that I'm
washed up,
a has been.

To those accussations,
I laugh.
I'm still going
ever present.

Spitting at
the shadow of death,
I yell at him
"take your misery elsewhere".

Running with
the spirit of happiness,
songs springing
from my lips.

Longing to live
in the light
of peace and harmony.

I end up
dying instead
in the grasp
of sorrow.

Harsh reality
sets in,
destroying this
little boys' world.

Forcing me
to become
a man,
I cry
for my loss.

This is just the beginning of a work in progress. I have been reviewing things that I started writing and never finished and this came up from several different beginnings. How is it so far?

P. J. Kotrch
carpe diem
A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2000-07-08 09:19 PM

epoet,
First, sorry I never got back to you on the e-mail; I've been having some problems recently receiving what has been sent -- it's fixed now, I hope. And then, of course, I couldn't find the time to give it a serious read. Hope you understand.

With this one, I think you've gotten caught up in the feeling rather than trying to elicit a feeling in the reader. What are the motivations of the speaker? Why does he speak like this? I think you need to find an anchor for this poem, a concrete image that ties up these feelings. It's a little light for my taste as it is.

Just an opinion,
Brad

epoet
Member

since 2000-05-11

Posts 291
grand rapid,MI, usa

2 posted 2000-07-12 10:14 PM

brad thank you for the critique. I am still trying to figure out where this is leading me. I hope to post the finished version soon. When I do, you will be the first to know.....

P. J. Kotrch
carpe diem
A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

3 posted 2000-07-13 03:02 PM

hi epoet

...I have no idea what I'm doing myself so this is just a personal opinion ok

...to me it sounded more like someone whining over what was and what is, we all lose part of our childhood through harsh realities but hopefully when we do we face these things with an adult prospective without crying of how we got there.

debbie

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown

Lighthousebob
Member Elite

since 2000-06-14

Posts 4725
California

4 posted 2000-07-13 07:32 PM

Perhaps a poem about a young man who discovers that his individuality is not being seperated from society, but that he can be an individual by joining in and making his own individual contributions to society...?

his song,
his poem,
his laugh,
his light,
his cry...?

Just a thought,

Bob <><

epoet
Member

since 2000-05-11

Posts 291
grand rapid,MI, usa

5 posted 2000-07-15 10:26 PM

this piece is just a work in progress. it's not entirely finished yet, but it's about how a little boy who feels all alone and unloved grows up into a man who wants nothing more than to share his love with everyone who he comes in contact with.

P. J. Kotrch
carpe diem
A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love

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