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Janus The Two Faced Demon
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Janus The Two Faced Demon |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Janus The Two Faced Demon I heard a faceless voice call a name Janus! In a loud, distinct, deep voice My focus changed the two faced demon Laughed and cried to listen was my choice Fear of what I did not know Became my only thought For in my search for Love of God The Devil’s virus I had caught My empty mind void of words Would sort and search for truth In a place of lies and hate That started in my youth Upon my guilt the light did shine Each tortured tear disclosed The truth revealed to me alone My inner self exposed James Cain 2000 [This message has been edited by eldridgejackson (edited 07-07-2000).] |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Well said except perhaps the way back which though covered with confusion and delusion you found. Though it forever changed us all but not in the ways that it did you. Tell me Janus the ancient Roman deity/daemon the lies, the deception what was the sounds of the music or background static. You may be saving this for another saga if so don't answer. luv bro forrest |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Tell me the two faces of Janus. How did they contrast to each other. And what was the seducer that trapped you in this spider web. forrest |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi james! i dont know any of this mythology. i feel so ig'nant.  that doesnt stop me from having lots of suggestions... i wouldnt say "voice" twice so close in one stanza. smae thing with "void" further down. also, it's a little unclear whether you mean the voice called out "janus!" or it was Janus doing the calling. maybe a better way to punctuate that would be (Janus!). dunno though. also, i think you mean "lies'" to have that tense of the verb after it. I confess to a little confusion about your last two lines. if the way back is closed, how can you walk in the path? plink plink - im gonna get poor if i keep throwing my two cents around like this.  luv Elyse |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Elyse thanks for the great suggestions no wonder Forrest finds you priceless. Janus is an often overlooked Demon. |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
James, "Laughed maniacally to listen was my choice." This sounds awkward to me because the line seems overcrowded with 2 descrptions. In a poem such as this i think it is important to get the metre close to regular throughout the poem, in terms of number of stresses and number of syllables. eg 'sort and search for truth' flows more unobtrusively than some of the other lines. You need a basic structure in order for 'variations to be effective, eg i think if this way is standard iambic, but on the last line you made it very syllable heavy this would be effective. I'm no expert on this but it is very important. If Jim posts a response to this poem i'm sure he'll give a more detailed suggestion. -Tim I liked 'Satan's virus' and the void of lies and hate/that started in my youth. |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Reads great with the changes. Powerful piece.  Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP "Everything is your own damn fault, if you are any good." E. Hemmingway |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Thanks Tim I agree its is a little tought to let it flow The change helped a little. I will have to work on it a little more. Thanks JP It is more fun to write about it than to live it. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, the meter seems more or less intact to me -- I see one anapest and a lot of trochaic subs in the first stanza. The sound reads okay but the syntax needs work; don't forget that poetry is still written in sentences, don't let that line break have to be a longer pause than it's supposed to. Furthermore, I'd like to see this expanded an include more description, give us home hint for choosing Janus specifically, give the demon a personality (or something like that). This will increase the overall texture of the poem. Brad |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Good points Brad This is the first of a series dealing with Janus the two faced Demon and my experience with it. Thanks for the input James |
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