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Critical Analysis #1
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Delights of the Heart(revised version)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Delights of the Heart(revised version) |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada 
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Delights of the Heart(revised version) Freshly fallen snow glistens in the moonlight, adding a brightness to what was dingy and dim. Snowflakes fall slowly, tossing and twirling, in rhythm with the breeze of the chilling northwind. In the silence and solitude of the cool winter night, I take solace in the presence of the bright shining moon. Its soft glowing light is warm and comforting, silently guiding me to the friends I'll see soon. Frosted icicles hang like cut crystal from branches, transforming trees into grand chandeliers. Snowflakes melt on the skin of my face, tingling as they form tiny droplets of tears. The silence is now filled with echoes of laughter, letting me know my friends are quite near. An evening of fun, skating and hot chocolate, there is nothing more perfect than this time of year. < !signature--> Never underestimate the Power of Purpose. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the 'Present' unkn [This message has been edited by mysticharm (edited 06-30-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Debbie McLellan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
 I think that the "personalized touch" and the rhyme really added to "the new and improved version." (cliches)Living on the coast, I haven't spent much time in the snow but you have "sparked my imagination." (cliche) I feel as if you have shared a personal memory and that is what makes this poem special. Bob <>< |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Snow is a thing I have never experienced, not that I care to, this poem give me the closest thing to being there. I could feel the snow. Good write. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
mysticharm: I knew you had it in you!  I think this is a noteworthy improvement. Good work. As Bob put it, the personalized touch gave the theme conviction and trimming it down didn't take away from the details at all. Liked the rhymes too.Lighthousebob: Stop it!  YeshuJah Malikk: Where, exactly, are you (if you don't mind me asking)? |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Bob Thank you so much for your kind words  and your right this was my favorite thing to do when I was child. I'm glad you liked it. debbie [This message has been edited by mysticharm (edited 06-29-2000).] |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Jim I'm glad you liked the revised version. Thank you for suggestions and I'm really happy you came back to check it out. There's hope for me yet  Thanks again Jim for you honest criticism on the original poem and for you kind words here. debbie [This message has been edited by mysticharm (edited 06-29-2000).] |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi YeshuJah Malikk Thanks for your kind words, I'm glad my description gave you an image of what snow is like. I hope you get to experience snow sometime, we have a lot of fun in the winter months. You never you might like it. May I ask where your from. debbie |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
yay debbie! great rewrite. you've cut away all the extra stuff and left the nice images and what you were saying comes out much better in this one. only thing, you mean to say "than" instead of "then" in the last line. just thought you should know. luv Elyse |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
We seem to be unanimous in liking your revision. You have left in just enough painted images to make it visually (mental or emotional, that is) interesting. Good work. Pete |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Bonjour Elyse Thanks so much for taking the time to show me how I was making my mistakes. Still have much to learn. The people in CA are great teachers and very patient to take time to help us novices (thanks for saying "Don't be intimidated by our technical terms" I was feeling somewhat out of place cuz I never seem to understand what everyone would write, it made me feel not so out of place ...thanks for the tip about 'then' and 'than' ...I tend to mix those words up quite often your friend debbie [This message has been edited by mysticharm (edited 06-30-2000).] |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Pete thanks for pointing out many things I didn't understand...CA is so kewl, your all so nice and offer help without hesitation...give yourself a big hug from me ok I appreciate you coming and checking out my rewrite. your friend debbie |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Well madamemoiselle, I guess it's unanimous well written, rewritten and recived. But you did leave out the part about hands of snow down the backs of pretty girls. Enjoyable. your friend forrest |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Forrest I'm glad you liked the rewrite. You were one of those naughty boys heh  ...my friends and I use to get them back real, real bad. All in fun! your friend debbie |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
I did not see the original version, but, I must say that this new version is beautifully written, with great images. How I love the carefree days of Winter. You go girl, it's quite the feat to get Brad's or jbouder's complete approval Take care, Melissa Honeybee The beauty of poetry gives me wings to fly |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hi debbie Yes this is a great improvement, no doubt about it ...well done. At this point i can see you keeling over backwards as you realise i finally got to one of your poems ...lol !! Having said the above, IMHO i think it might be even better written in stricter meter. I know some will disagree with me (most probably), and normally i would agree with those who will disagree with me if you see what i mean, but for some reason this piece has got an "almost" lyrical quality about it .. when i read it out loud it sounds "almost" lyrical ... as if it's crying out to be something other than what it quite is .....(am i talking nonsense here? its been a hard day ... i had to write a lot of cheques ... always a painful and psychologically disturbing experience!!). I guess it's the subject matter .. images of a bright winter's night are in my view looking for metrical regularity and rhyme ..lol i never rewrite peoples poems ... so i must be in a funny mood today because I'm about to. so for instance: "Fresh fallen snow lies glistening in moonlight, adding a brightness where all was once dim. Snowflakes drift down slowly tossing and twirling, dancing in tune to a chilling north-wind." now this is not perfect in the sense of metrical perfection in that it could be read: FRESH fall en SNOW LIES GLIST ning in MOON light ADD ing a BRIGHT ness where ALL was once DIM SNOW flakes drift DOWN slow ly TOSS ing and TWIRL ing DANC ing in TUNE to a CHILL ing north WIND. I'm pretty hopeless when it comes to analysing meter, but i definitely read this as shown above. As you can see there is some awkwardness in the first line brought on by three stressed syllables next to each other. Variations in meter within reason are acceptable (as Jim will tell you ...lol) but this seems a little too much to me! so: FRESH fall en SNOW in the PALE ness of MOON light this reads more smoothly to me, but of course we've now lost yet more of your lovely words - to be replaced by my boring ones ...... i hate doing this ..lol.... it all seems sooooooo analytical ... and anyway, as Melissa says, Jim is always right .....LOL ...... sometimes though thinking about meter can help .... just so long as you forget about it when you write a poem .....lol ..... and if you don't follow a word I've been saying ...just ask jim !! meanwhile just to say that it was a nice piece debbie .. i enjoyed it..... philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 07-04-2000).] |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Melissa I'm glad you liked my poem. The original version is under the same name in CA. Thanks for stopping by debbie |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Bonjour Philip "...At this point i can see you keeling over backwards as you realise i finally got to one of your poems ...lol !!" I fell off the chair actually but have recouperated nicely lol and am glad you finally made it...feel free to send any cheques you don't know what to do with my way Since I'm not quite sure what you mean by sticter meter I'll have to pick up where I do understand LOL "Fresh fallen snow lies glistening in moonlight, adding a brightness where all was once dim. Snowflakes drift down slowly tossing and twirling, dancing in tune to a chilling north-wind." This is really much smoother and rolls off the tongue better. Is the hyphen meant for a pausing effect...I thought northwind was one word. "FRESH fall en SNOW LIES GLIST ning in MOON light ADD ing a BRIGHT ness where ALL was once DIM SNOW flakes drift DOWN slow ly TOSS ing and TWIRL ing DANC ing in TUNE to a CHILL ing north WIND." ................... FRESH fall en SNOW in the PALE ness of MOON light I think the word paleness would be the very opposite to what the moon was like...of course I'm not ruling how the fact I may not interpret the word paleness correctly lol...how about this, Freshly fallen snow glistens in the moonlight, adding a brightness where all was once dim.(I especially like the way you have worded this line and the last) Snowflakes fall slowly, tossing and twirling, dancing in tune to a chilling north-wind. "Snowflakes drift down" isn't exactly how I would describe them, it was more like they were floating on the wind but I can't find the wording that would fit the way I would like it to be. I still have many rough edges, but I am learning with every analyis(I think that is the right word) ...dancing in tune is a very nice way of putting how the snowflakes interacted with the wind...may I use it? Your chess poem still rattles in my brain when I play...I'm losing more games now LOL Thanks Philip...you've brought up some good points, the first thing I would like to find out is what a 'stricter meter' is. merci debbie |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Yikes debbie i wouldn’t dare suggest that you should take any notice of what i wrote (as in the words i used) ... pale is such a cliche for moon in any case ..isn’t it..... no what i was about was trying to get the stress patterns “right” to my ear ... (there isn’t of course a “right” really). What i meant by “stricter meter” was more regular stress patterns. Meter is basically the number of times a dominating rhythm occurs in a typical line of a poem, this, together with “rhythm”, often determines what a poem “sounds” like. The heart of english rhythms and the basis of its meters is stress ... ie the emphasis given to certain syllables in spoken English. Jenni recently wrote a good reply explaining “stress” and why she prefers to think in terms of “stressed” syllables rather than “short” or “long” syllables, and following on from what she said i prefer to think in terms of patterns of strong and weak syllables so for instance: POLL y PUT the KET tle ON is comprised mainly of a “STRONG weak” pattern - easy to hear when read aloud. Each occurrence of the pattern contains two syllables and we could call a “measure”. So this line contains three measures of duplet (two syllable) rhythm and a singlet (a single stressed syllable) at the end. The meter could therefore be described as “three-duplet”. Taking your poem as modified by me we see: DANC ing in TUNE to a CHILL ing north WIND you can probably see that using the above system we are probably looking at three measures of mainly triplet (ie three syllable) rhythm ie three-triplet meter. The traditional way of describing this would be “dactylic trimeter” where the dactylic bit describes a “foot” (measure) of one long syllable followed by two short, and the trimeter indicates there are three feet to a line .... if you want to know more about the archaic way of doing things ask jim, pete or of course brad who knows everything .Anyway when i said stricter meter i simply meant that perhaps it would be good to try and set up a more regular stress pattern ...... NO WAY is this mandatory ..lol...your poem is fine as it is ... i was merely pointing out something that occurred to me right then after a hard day at work..... lol.........now i read it again with two beers inside me ... the stress seems to have disappeared completely heh heh ......so perhaps it was ok all along ...... and i was talking nonsense ...... Oh well........ “celery” ...... no that’s wrong.... isn’t it? ....i mean ..... “cellar vie” ... er... er.... “that’s life” is what I’m trying to articulate .... Bye for now philip |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Ok Philip I've fallen off the chair for the second time LOL...you missed the part where I said english was my second language heh Of course I take what you say seriously, I'm depending on friends I meet in CA to point out my mistakes so I won't keep making them...you, Elyse, Forrest, Jim and others who have taken the time to bring things to my attention is a great help to me. Do you think if you have a couple more beers you could explain about the meter in layman terms LOL...of course if you speak french that would be great too Yikes in french is EEK  LOLyour friend debbie |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
I very much like this poem. As children Forrest and I spent many wonderful days playing in the snow. Reading your lovely poem brought to mind those wonderful memories. I wouldn't change a thing. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
", I'm depending on friends I meet in CA to point out my mistakes so I won't keep making them." I don't think "mistakes" can occur in poetry really .. there is no "right" or "wrong" (oh ..except for Forrest's spelling mistakes ) ..... your poem, as Eldridge says, is perfectly fine as it is .. i am merely relaying my own humble thoughts upon reading it ..... lol..... as for spelling it out in plain english .. you gotta be joking .. when did we Brits ever speak "plain" boring old english!?.....(jim.. jenni etc... where are you ....? help!) P |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
debbie you cutie! i have some friends who took French Lit last year, and they spent almost an entire semester on poetry, so they could probably explain this stuff to you really easily. but they are not here, and so i will endeavor to help you with meter... Meter is the beats of the syllables as they are pronounced. think of how you pronounce the word "lion" the syllable with the most emphasis on it is called "stressed" or "long" the syllable with the least emphasis is called "unstressed" or "short". stressed syllables are written in capital letters, unstressed in lower case like so - LI on. the meter of a line is determined by the pattern made by the stressed and unstressed syllables in all the words of a line. The basic unit of meter is the "foot". say you wrote a line that read da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM a foot in this line would be "da DUM" because that is the group of syllables that repeats. some old dude that lived way-back-when made up a bunch of long and complicated words to describe different types of feet so he could sound smart for his girlfriend. here are the ones i know... Iambic - da DUM maybe the most commonly used foot Trochee - DUM da Spondee - DUM DUM Dactyl - DUM da da Anapest - da da DUM Amphibrachys - da DUM da Amphimacer - DUM da DUM now, armed with these terms, you can put together the technical description of the meter of a line. you just look for the pattern, see which term it matches, and then count the number of feet (repititions). now we couldnt leave the numbers without a set of terms for themselves, coul we? they are one foot - ?? i dont know, ask brad, jim, or philip two feet - ?? see above three feet - trimeter four feet - tetrameter five feet - pentameter six feet - sestameter seven feet - septameter eight feet - octameter nine feet - nonameter noone needs more than nine feet per line, and if they think they do, they are just being pretentious. anyway, there is a pattern here. you take the latin? root for the number and tack the word meter onto the end of it. now we are ready to put them together. using the line we used before da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM we see that the feet are iambic. and there are four, so that makes it tetrameter. so the meter for this line is (drumroll please) IAMBIC TETRAMETER. wasnt that exciting? we have created a term! not so fast, you dont get away that easy. some of the feet have mutated forms when combined with the -meter words. Trochee ---> Trochaic -meter Spondee ---> Spondaic -meter Dactyl ----> Dactylic -meter Anapest ---> Anapestic -meter Amphibrachy --> Amphibrachaic -meter Amphimacer ---> Amphimaceric -meter these last two are hardly ever used, they're just not that common to see. anyway, hope all this helps, luv Elyse [This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 07-05-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Elyse ... now see 'ere .. the idea is to get people to STAY in CA not to scare them silly ...LOL.... well done btw ... you reminded me of all those lovely archaic terms .. .. but can't we get away from them and simply say "three-triplet" when we mean three dactylic feet for instance? anyways ... you did a great job !! ... and debbie ..mail elyse not me please ..lol Philip |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi James thanks, I'm glad you like the poem the way it is...I remember those same days with my siblings and miss them  Bonjour Elyse I wish I could speak spanish, it's a thought to contemplate ...thanks Elyse for all the information, have written it all down and will do my best to put it into play. Hi Philip ...all is well and thank you for your help. [This message has been edited by mysticharm (edited 07-05-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
debbie what i should have said was ..... "mail me with all your easy questions, and mail elyse with all the difficult ones about iambic pentameter etc coz i won't have a clue about those "take care philip |
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