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It's Over Now (one last time for Brad)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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It's Over Now (one last time for Brad) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I promised Brad one and only one more of these, so here it is. Now as you'll see, I had some help on this one from an old friend named Drayton. But I still like it. Since I find it a little difficult to evaluate objectively, I would appreciate your comments on its own merits, or lack thereof, technical or otherwise. It's Over Now It's over now. It's time to kiss and go Our separate ways, and parting's gift should be A tender kiss, and yet my love I know You've said goodbye, and need no more of me. Just friends is all we dare remain, you said, So Love, I'll masquerade this broken heart, Profess my love no more but be instead Your friend, although it rends my soul apart. But then, when Love lies fading all alone, By hopes and dreams abandoned and he cries, When at his end, accepts you're not his own, His final breath he gasps . . . And gently dies, Yet then you could, by breathing just one word, Restore him still were love the word he heard. < !signature--> Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 06-28-2000).] |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
 i liked it. maybe though, you might put something other than kiss in line 3, its a little soon for the repitition i think. also, i dont know about the inversion in line 12, i think you might be better off with "he gasps his final breath..." up to you though. also, i might like some punctuation in the final line. thats all I have  luv Elyse |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Very nice ending and oh so true. forrest |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Elyse, Thanks for your suggestions. As always, they are accurate and helpful. Now, if I might discuss them with you and suggest my line of reasoning, not to defend a position but just discuss. On the repetition of kiss, that was intentional and I feel necessary. Possibly the first occurrence could be replaced with something else but the second must stay. If you will tru to put the intended emotion into reading and add some stress to "should" in reading line 2, making the last foot a trochee, I think you will then hear the relevance and hopefully the importance of this repetition. The inversion in line 12 is there for 2 reasons. It serves to emphasize the finality of the breath and it just sounds better that way to me. On punctuation in the last line, you're absolutely right. I think I originally had a comma there but felt like I was over punctuating the whole thing. In removing some of the excess, that was one that got the knife. But it really needs to be there to demand more of a pause than casual reading might suggest. Thanks again for your critique. I hope this makes sense. And I would really enjoy any further discussion you might have. Forrest, Thanks for reading and commenting. I assume you meant the last 6 lines as the ending. Well, as I said before, I don't want to take too much credit for that. But, it does seem to be too true, all too often. Thanks, Pete |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi pete! i do see what you mean about the second kiss, it makes much more sense when you emphasize "should". its too bad theres no way to punctuate for emphasis. but...im still unconvinced on the inversion. it might just be me, but as its written, they almost dont seem to go together, to me at least. maybe it's because there's a pause between "breath" and "he" the way it is. i thought it might be a meter thing, but what i think it actually is is the competing "h" sounds. get me? you have to pause to clip the "h" from "breath" before you can start the "h" on "he". perhaps i only notice this because in spanish (and i AM a spanish nerd) you would slur/blur the two consonant sounds into one. anyway, i think that's my beef with the way you worded it. also, im not sold on the inversion emphasizing the finality of the breath, it emphasizes the gasping to me. plink plink go another two cents luv Elyse |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
I'd say the poem is interesting. I would suggest though, that you break it into stanzas, which would, it seemed to me, make it easier to read. I also wondered about the capitilization of all words beginning a line. Let me know what you think. YeshuJah*) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi again Elyse, It is too bad we can't punctuate emphasis. Since I wrote it, I just naturally read it that way. Now I see that others might not, of course. Maybe a subtle wording change would help, if I can find one. I also understand your problem with the invension but, to me, the difficult or awkward thing to pronounce is simply gasps. Too many consonate sounds stuffed together and s seems to be a difficult one anyway. I have tried to find a better word but seem to have a mental block or something. Originally it was draws but that just didn't seem final enough. Oh, what I meant was the inversion tends to emphasize the whole phrase not just breath or gasps. And thanks again, very much, for your 2 cents worth. To be honest though, it's a real bargain if all it costs me is 2 cents. Hi Yeshujah, Thanks for reading and responding. Sonnets traditionally were not broken into stanzas and the first letters of all lines were capitalized. I guess I'm just a hopeless traditionalist. So there you have it. Pete |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Alrighty then, Pete ... what HAVE we here...? First things first: I LIKED this. The conversational tone was well-matched with the monologue, and the lines well-written without being stuffy or too heavily embellished. You also avoided becoming mired in end-stop lines, which is a common stumbling block in sonnets (and indeed rhymed poetry in general). As such, I think the flow was nearly perfect. A few suggestions, mostly on the technical aspects: "...and parting's gift should be A tender kiss, and yet my love I know You've said goodbye, and need no more of me." Need a bit more and less punctuation, here, IMHO -- you might consider substituting a semicolon for the comma after "kiss," in order to reinforce what I believe is a more dramatic pause -- you are switching ideas/perspectives with the 'and yet,' while the previous commas were only separating parts of the same perspective or desire. Additionally, I think "... and yet, my love, I know ..." might be more true to the way this would be actually spoken in conversation; distinguishing the object from the rest of the line or somesuch (I never was any good at diagramming sentences and all that rot LOL). "Just friends," would do better as a direct quote, I think ... as would "love" in the last line ("were 'love' the word he heard"). Also, it seems to me that lines 10 and 11 might be punctuated "By hopes and dreams abandoned, and he cries/When at his end, accepts you're not his own," in order to better organize the order of events. Last little tidbit, on the finishing couplet: rather than repeat "breathing" so soon after "breath" in line 12, perhaps you could substitute "granting?" LOL -- forgive me if I "protest too much ..." I simply ran down the usual process of my OWN sonnet-composition, and asked you all the same questions I would ask myself. Thanks for the read (I love sonnets, you know!), --Kess YOUR LIFE IS A TEST It is only a test ... If this were your Actual Life, you would have been given better instructions! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks Kess, Please don't apologize! I think every one of your suggestions is absolutely briliant. And I promise to incorporate them all, in some manner or other  Thanks so much for taking the time to really analyze this for me ~hugs~Pete |
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