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Critical Analysis #1
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Transformation
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Transformation |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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forlorn was she, of melancholy, she had become accustomed, filling endless days of restlessness with writing of her pain. hoping that it flowed from her as the ink did from the pen, each word written drawing out more of her sorrow. and she wrote, till the anguish was stacked upon her table. then she met him, and each time they spoke she was transformed, until her pen wrote of pleasures, creative, primordial, inimitable, laden with ambiguity, enigmatic. just as she saw him, an aspirant, fervant, flush with life, and when they met next, the air around them grew thick with expectations. and now she smiles. Kris [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 06-25-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Good for you chris I liked this. forrest |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Kris, Well i think there's nothing to ambiguous about your poem, the unhappiness and aloneness of the writer are manifested in their pained verse or prose, but after meeting someone presumably a boyfriend their writing is 'transformed' as is their whole view on life. This person seems to me a bit like a muse through which a new type of writing can occur, a femme fatale if this person wasn't male. I like the idea of the pen drawing forth the pain, and the description of the transformed writing as 'creative, primordial, inimitable' etc. I'm not so keen on the flow of the poem or the last line 'and now she smiles.' In this regard i think the other posts of yours i have read are much better. -Tim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Forrest, If you are saying "good for you" because you liked the poem, I thank you. If you were saying it because you thought the poem was about me, then I must tell you that my work is usually based on good old imagination; at times it may be based on a picture I saw or an image from a book or a piece of a song...images in my memory. Because I'm a die-hard romantic, I write these types of poems a lot. I thank you so much for reading and commenting. Tim, Thanks for the compliments, and the criticism. I'll work on the flow, although I really don't think it's that bad. I like the last line...I can just picture a woman who'd been very lonely, then finding herslf in love and loved, with a blissful smile, that spoke of her new-found love, spread satisfyingly across her face. Kinda like the Mona Lisa's, only a bit more turned up at the corner's...the kind of smile that you see and know there's something very good causing it, but the wearer doesn't want to reveal everything. I don't know...maybe it's a woman thing. I thank you once again, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi kris! much liked the poem, but (and i hesitate to say this having read what you wrote to tim) but i didnt like this ending. its kindof a non-ending. even if you did something like and now she smiles and writes of _____ you know, add one more line, i think that would be more satisfying. just an opinion of course  luv Elyse |
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not_so_warm New Member
since 2000-06-25
Posts 5 |
Elyse, Thanks, you are always so sweet, even when you say you don't like something. As far as the ending goes, see above reply to Tim. I had addressed the change in writing in the preceding stanza, and, since the poem begins with sadness, I think it's befitting that it ends with a smile. So, until someone can come up with a very strong argument against it, I think I will leave it as is. Thanks again, Kris |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Kris, Don't think this quite gets where you want it to go. I think it's too vague but it definitely has potential: forlorn was she, of melancholy, --I think you can drop these lines. she had become accustomed, filling endless days of restlessness with writing of her pain. --drop the pain. You explain this later. hoping that it flowed from her as the ink did from the pen, --leave the 'it' ambiguous for a moment. Tease the reader into something. Some people may dislike that but just keep reading. each word written drawing out more of her sorrow. --drop this. and she wrote, [till the anguish was stacked upon her table.] --here's where I think a really great poem could be created. Show us each individual sorrow (yes, I'd even use emotional adjectives as a springboard) something like: Remorse: The back of the bodybuilder as she left me because I was bored For only a moment. Okay, maybe not that one but do you see my point? Create a list of these and then end with them overflowing the table itself. Mimic this overflow by the number of sorrows you can come up with. I'm just going to edit the rest if you don't mind:  then she met him, and her pen wrote: creative, primordial, inimitable, laden with ambiguity, enigmatic. an aspirant, fervant, flush with life, but now she smiles. I still see tension in this last bit thus needing a 'but' rather than an 'and'. My modification don't work perfectly but I hope you can see what I see here. Thanks, Brad |
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not_so_warm New Member
since 2000-06-25
Posts 5 |
Thanks, Brad, for reading and for offering suggestions, although I was a bit confused by your example of the items. I also agree with your changing of "and" to "but". The other will take a complete reworking, and I will work on that in the future. Thanks again, Kris |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, Great read here, as always. Sorry to report though that I seem to be on the "last line bandwagon." I understand and agree with your idea of ending with a smile but the transition seemed a little abrupt or something. Perhaps something along the lines Elyse suggested would help. I know you like it as is so just hear these suggestions and proceed as you want Thanks, Pete |
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naynay Junior Member
since 2000-06-27
Posts 13whitewright tx usa |
your poem was vey good in fact it made me think keep up the good work naynay |
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