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Critical Analysis #1
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comment on me please... heh..
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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comment on me please... heh.. |
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MelissaNicoleaka mosa New Member
since 2000-06-15
Posts 5 |
As night turned into day, The screams were heard, Reality set in, Father had returned. He was home from work, And something had gone wrong, He didn't get his food on time, And he didn't hear his song. He wasn't ever happy, And hardly was at home, But when he did come over, It was best to leave him alone. He was supposed to love us, And treat us with care, But what it really boils down to, When he was needed--he wasn't there. The screams always happened, When we were trying to sleep, Mom would cry and cry, And brother would just weep. Not knowing what to do, I just sat in bed and prayed, That maybe God would help me, And my family this day. That maybe God would send the cops, And daddy would have to leave, Then Mommy could be happy, And brother wouldn't weep. Getting on my knees once more, Asking God to listen, To take away all my pain, And set me free again. Just let me die, God I don't want to live anymore, Please just let me leave this place, Let me run out that door. The days went by and things got better, Changing day by day, Daddy doesn't scream as much, But i continue to pray. To pray to God about my life, And my family, To thank Him for everything, for setting us all free. Everyday that i breathe, I know that i am blessed, That i can live in this world, And even live in rest. Thankyou father for all you've done, For helping me believe, For protecting me and keeping me safe, For reminding me not to leave. -- i know this needs alot of work..so feel free to share any ideas you have k?..thanx...God bless Melissa Nicole |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
I can relate to your poem. Like you my father would come home usually drunk and there would be a fight etc. I am not much for giving out to much advice on poems but I think you did something important....you wrote from the heart. PS Don't send this poem to your father on fathers day. He may not like it. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Melissa: Welcome to Critical Analysis! I think you have a good testimonial going here but you may want to consider either reworking the rhyme or dropping it for a free-verse approach. The rhyme, at times, seems to overpower the message (writing rhyming verse is a tricky undertaking when you want it to sound natural).  I like the happy ending, btw. You may also want to go into some more detail in some places to give the reader more of a connection to your(?) circumstance. Now that was rather painless, don't you think? Again, welcome to CA.Jim |
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db Junior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 13 |
Melissa i'm with Jim on this. you might think about condensing also. but perhaps that has to do with the rhyming scheme. i just posted something that seems like it should rhyme but doesn't. so i might be confused! Regards Dan |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
But you never resolve the initial conflict? We don't know what happened. I would drop the rhyme scheme altogether and work from the specific images of the family problem (quite common as a theme in poetry these days -- make your poem look and sound different from the rest.) Probably as a result of the rhyme, you're talking around your subject. Don't do that. Slap us on the head with the images of what you want to convey. I wonder if you might try reading Gerard Manley Hopkins for some interesting turns in religious poetry? Just an opinion, Brad |
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MelissaNicoleaka mosa New Member
since 2000-06-15
Posts 5 |
thanks for the comments, i'll take them into consideration, and attempt to get back to you soon with some new revisions. thanks.. melissa nicole |
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