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Emmy
Member

since 1999-06-29

Posts 194
KY

0 posted 1999-09-04 08:23 PM

***...better as in a new title? Gosh, this one needs a lot of work...***

He sits alone and silent
his thoughts are far from here;
His expression, one of pain
as if all end is near
The day has been so hard
and now his reverie
is offering sweet escape,
though it takes him far from me
An invisable wall
creates an impenatrable sheild
and in this, edges blur
from what's in mind and what's real
Mind offers more release,
while reality's bitter cruel
But reality's what he has to face
every day he comes to school
So he's locked himself up
and thrown away the key
Who will be the one
to break the bond and set him free?
People in the past have tried
to pull him from his shell
But today no attempts are made;
perhaps it's just as well...
For he sits in utter solitude,
searching for inner peace
He's waiting for the moment
when this turmoil inside will cease
So when, oh when, will this moment come
He surely can bear no more,
His pain is exceedingly intense
It's eats away at his very core
So he runs and hides inside himself,
though that's right where his pain lies
He won't let anyone in at all
and he'll hurt anyone who tries
So I let him sit there, all alone
and watch him cry inside
and it's then I suddenly realize
that something inside him has died
Happiness no longer exists,
he's filled with hate and pain
He's made it so he can never lose
but there's nothing left to gain
His fear of being rejected,
unloved or misunderstood
has locked him up even tighter
God knows it's in there for good
I wish I could help but there's no way in
no way that I can find
All there is left to do is wait
Until his heart opens up to mine

[This message has been edited by Emmy (edited 09-04-99).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 1999-09-07 07:51 PM

If you think about it, you're dealing with very complex social and power relationships here. I don't think you've made it clear enough. Why is he closed? What is 'your' relationship to this person? The speaker seems to know a lot about what's going on inside this person? How? Can you (the writer) flesh out the situation a bit more?

I would drop the whole part about the keys -- too overused and doesn't enhance the poem.

I would also probably drop the rhyme scheme. Don't see how it helps?

Question: If happiness no longer exists in him, how can he ever open up his heart to you?

Just my opinion,
Brad

TheCandyMan_1
Junior Member

since 1999-08-28

Posts 38
NY

2 posted 1999-09-07 11:51 PM

This is very sad! Life is too short to wait for happiness...happiness is what you make life to be. Tell us what makes it so worth waiting for? This is someone very close to you, who? You say you know it is there...how do you know? Yes, tell us more about the writer and why you care enough to wait? To be there? Tell us the person you know is locked away inside? Day to day life, good or bad, won't lock someone up that tight. Tell us events behind it. Why this person is so lost?

Just a thought.

------------------
©1999 JA.Malone

"Biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite - "Fool!" said my Muse to me "look in thy heart, and write!" - Sir Philip Sidney

[This message has been edited by TheCandyMan_1 (edited 09-08-99).]

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