Please give em critical feedback

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The Mike Sacks
Member

since 1999-08-29

Posts 129
brooklyn ny

0 posted 2000-06-11 07:13 AM

for ne1 who knows my style of writing this change has come over many months. Please give me your critical analisys on anything and everything but spelling..i hate spelling

If you can't see the way i feel,
you must be blind.
every move you make,
and thought you say,
leaves me in lightless mind.
I see no conclusion,
in lifes disilusions.
that could show me where to find,
the day or night,
of endless might,
to tell you your gentel and kind.

Mike Sacks
june 11th 00

amazon_lover
Member

since 2000-04-09

Posts 491
Dublin,Ireland

1 posted 2000-06-11 12:06 PM

nice li'l one...silent move waiting to be understood..
Sincerely
A_L

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2000-06-12 11:25 AM

Hi Mike,

In my humble opinion, this is pretty good. I like your rhyme scheme and too often this just doesn't work, probably because it usually comes off as forced. In your case it does seem natural.

Now, sorry my friend, but I must comment on your opening comment. I realize and accept that every writer has a style, whether I agree with it or not. Most probably don't agree with mine. But I do think that if we are to be taken seriously, then spelling and grammar are important. Of course, you can probably show me numerous examples of wonderful poetry with those mistakes. But for each of those I can show you hundreds more that are flawless. I think this show that it is much easier to be accepted if mechanical mistakes are corrected. How many more wonderful poems would we know of if their errors had been corrected first?

Now, since this is CA, here are the obvious mistakes I would prefer to see corrected.

1) The third line starts a new sentence and should be capitalized. You have used capitalization and punctuation throughout.

2) Line 7 appears to end with a period which should be a comma or omitted as the sentence continues on to the next line.

3) The last line has two errors. "your" should be "you're" and "gentel" should be "gentle".

So simple as a little proof reading before posting and you have a very good poem here.

Of course, this is all just my humble and uneducated opinion, but I do think we all will be accepted more quickly and taken more seriously if we invest that small additional effort to remove mechanical errors, to the best of our ability. Then the critics can concentrate on content and form, the things we really want to learn here.

Pete

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 06-12-2000).]

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