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Critical Analysis #1
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Black Star Rewrite
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Black Star Rewrite |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
'Etoile Noire` (Black Star) no light escapes the blackness there, crinkle, crinkle, crumpled star. Consuming clouds and stellar winds, mattered stuff and nebuli. Grappled grabs with muscled arms, constricting coiled round and round. Gulping tongues of clustered mass spiraling down to nothingness. No way around the physics there. No way around the science. We shake our fists at gravities greed and stare up in defiance But if we could travel by astral mind, who’s to say what we might find. Unicorn`s that silvery sing, tracing the clouds with the edge of a wing. Or hobbit hills with rainbow tree`s, of multi-colored twinkling leaves. There could be dragons and dwarfish runes and elfish flowers with amethyst blooms. By purplish light I almost see, as through a veil or mist of tears. Fairy folk with empyrean wings that spins the loving light that brings, Enchanted dreams and sunshine play, kissed by God the children pray. Beautiful sounds of innocence, such wondrous beings I almost glimpse. But darkness sips the failing light, and all is hidden by the night. twinkle, twinkle fallen star how I wonder what you are. forrest 2000 [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 06-16-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 O. Forrest Cain - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi forrest. this is interesting. i really like it up to line 4, and then (for me) it seems just a shade um, off. wow, i am so erudite. ok, leeme try better : i dont understand what "mattered stuff and nebula" connects to. if, as it seems, its what is being consumed by the crumpled  star, then maybe if you said "nebulaS" it would be better. grappled grabs with muscled arms constricting coiled round and round, all the different verb tenses are throwing me off. you have 4. i think it would be ok to have more than one, but you're also switching from past to present. plus, you're starting off a new thought (?) so you'd probably want a more active beginning. did you get that? im not sure i did. oh well, onward. gulping gravity eviserates licking tonques of visceral mass i wouldnt go with a form of "visceral" twice so close together. plus, that second line is just a mouthful. ok, ill be done now. luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Hello Forrest First I’d like to point out that I have no idea what I’m talking about and generally give the worst advice known to man, that said I’d like to comment anyway, after all any feedback is good feedback, right? (Your views on that statement may change in the next few minutes) . no light escapes the darkness there crinkle, crinkle, crumpled star, consumes the clouds and stellar winds mattered stuff and nebula, Great start as far as I’m concerned, only things I can suggest are changing ‘consumes the clouds’ to ‘consuming clouds’ and ‘nebula’ to ‘nebular’ but even as it stands it’s a superb base for a poem. grappled grabs with muscled arms I didn’t like the ‘grappled grabs’ bit, it stymied the flow for me, making the line stand out and seem out of place. constricting coiled round and round, the ‘round and round’ worked well but I kept mentally changing ‘coiled’ to ‘coils’ disembowels time and space Time and space in this line seem to be crying out for ‘fabric’ and ‘tearing’ or ‘rips’, of course then you’d be wandering into cliché which seems to be everybody’s favourite whipping boy right now so should, I suppose, be avoided. Though there’s no reason why you can’t hint at the cliché by using alternative words to make the reader create the cliché for you. (sorry about the overuse of cliche in this statement but I thought it would make me sound like I knew a thing or two about poetry if i said it a lot) gulping gravity eviserates ‘Gulping and gravity’ caught me out again as I read. licking tongues of visceral mass I little too gory and not Universal enough? collapsing in upon itself. no way around the physics there we scream out our defiance. Don’t mind the ending but I was hoping for a killer last line ending in ‘science’, but remember I don’t know what I’m talking about. Thanks for giving me the chance to read and reply. Craig < !signature--> Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. [This message has been edited by Craig (edited 06-09-2000).] |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Forrest Well if Elyse and Craig felt they didn't know what they were talking about then they truly are about to feel a whole lot better. I am a complete novice at the english language, complicated concepts really confuse me and I would absolutely need a translator to tell me what your talking about but I love a challenge  so please don't explain it cuz it would take all the fun out of exercising my brain to undecipher it!  |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
This poem may still be a dog but I did add the second verse. I had originally left off. Don`t pull any punchs truly sorry for any inconvience but I really strugled trying to make something of this. I`m still not satisfied but am at a loss where to go or whether to just kill it. thanks forrest |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
forrest-- do not kill this piece!!! i really loved this, it's a little lengthy, especially in the second stanza, and in need of some punctuation, but the first stanza and the beginning and ending of the second are simply wonderful. a black hole, sucking everything inside and crushing all with its intense gravity (so the astronomers tell us), a star, really, from which even light cannot escape, and what is at its core? does it just spiral down to nothing? or will we find there unicorns with silver eyes, enchanted prayers, sad sweet dreams, and children singing beautiful songs of innocence? is this were all things beautiful go? are they preserved there, or crushed like everything else? this is a unique and interesting way of looking at things, forrest, and i thought it was just wonderful. i'd think about tightening up the second stanza a bit, especially between line 8 through line 17 (maybe just deleting that altogether, i don't know, i think the reader can still get the point with lines 1-7 and 18 to the end). i'd also break your last line into two lines: twinkle, twinkle fallen star how I wonder what you are. very nice job, forrest, thanks for a great read. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 06-14-2000).] |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Hello Forrest I popped back in to see how you were doing, I thought you might have made a few minor adjustments but this borders on a complete re-write! I haven't much time right now but I'll get back and comment ASAP. Got back as soon as I could Still love the start though I’d change ‘spiraling’ to ‘spirals’ it flows slightly smoother (that could just be me though). The line ‘tracing clouds with the edge of wing’ seems a little long it could be the use of ‘the’ twice, what about ‘trace the clouds with tilt of wing’. ‘that spins the light that loving brings’ how about a swap with loving and light, it leads into the next line better, what do you think? ‘that spins the loving light that brings’ I’d think about cutting ‘ such’ from the wondrous line, it doesn’t add much. I like both the poem this was and the poem it’s become, the length isn’t a problem, it seldom is if the reader is enjoying what he/she is reading. < !signature--> Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. [This message has been edited by Craig (edited 06-14-2000).] |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
jenni thankyou for your evaluation and I have deleted several lines to improve the flow. The problem is I`m not always sure I understand whats being said to me and loose direction. Please point me in the right direction. Thank you ever so much. your friend forrest |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
I think by far this is your best poem. (At least of this kind) Why? Because of its originality. I like the grappled grabs it explains the action that takes place when the black hole is pulling matter into itself. Nebular nebula tomatoes tomotoes big deal. The idea that inside of such a massive powerful and frightening part of nature that there could be such beauty is great. Sometimes the break in the flow of a poem also breaks the monotony. If a poem flowed at one pace it is like a toilet flushing starting off loud and then the monotonous slow ending. Keep up the good work. I may not be a poet but I know when I have been entertained and this poem entertained me. If only you had put in a dancing monkey instead of a unicorn I would have liked it even more. EJ |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Eldridge jackson your critique is a poem . You must have some powerful creative genes in your family. Glad you made it home safe and despite a miserable time some real problems emerged. I think you and Dolly are the only sane ones. And thats a really scary thought. Car cost was 329 dollars needed battery and altenator. I`m thinking it`s about time for eldridge jackson to post a poem about monkeys or gerbils or the creation of the universe. Oh heck I`ll do that one for you. Creation Of The Universe bang forrest cain 2000 orrest cain |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Bonjour Forrest  It would be a tragic mistake for you to kill this wonderous poem. I told you I would have to decipher your poem to understand what you were trying to say and then I thought maybe it's not that I don't understand what your saying as much as it may be not understanding the english language. I took your poem and translated it into french. I continued from that point substituting words that could not just be translated into french by the use of just one french word. I won't type here the french version but the title would be 'Etoile Noire', if my understanding of your poem is correct you might want to think about using the title in french...it suits the poem very well. Please let me know if my understanding is right No light escapes the blackness there, crinkle, crinkle, crumpled star. ...if we were to reach up and crumple all the stars like pieces of paper there would only be darkness remaining. Consumes the clouds and stellar winds, mattered stuff and nebulas. ...the black hole that remains would begin consuming everything, clouds, sun, moon etc. Grappled grabs with muscled arms, constricting coils round and round. ...this is the embodiment of the black hole. Gulping tongues of clustered mass spiraling down to nothingness. ...the black hole taking everything in it's path into it's mouth, swallowing all that has substance into it's stomach. No way around the physics there. No way around the science. ...physics and science have never been able to fully study the inside of a black hole. We shake our fists at gravity's grip and stare up in defiance. ...anger, once the black hole as been opened we feel lost at how to reverse its effects. But if we could travel by astral mind, who’s to say what we might find. ...perhaps the world inside the black hole isn't as black or dark as we might think. The remainder of your poem would be referring to what we might find if we were able to investigate the black hole. My daughter tells me a dark star in english is also a black hole so maybe I'm not so far off my interpretation...I hope I'm not < !signature--> Never underestimate the Power of Purpose. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the 'Present' unknown [This message has been edited by mysticharm (edited 06-14-2000).] |
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pasqually Junior Member
since 2000-06-12
Posts 23West Virginia |
I simply loved eldridge jacksons' analogy of the flushing toilet. So many times people forget to look for the little things in life that can have much meaning. The flushing toilet is one of those forgotten little things. Imagine life without flushing toilets. In my humble opinion I think it would stink...... |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
bonjour my good friend you understand this poem perfectly. Thanks for your input and I love the title you have given me. Thanks my friend I will use it. your friend forrest [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 06-15-2000).] |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Bienvenue Forrest (Your welcome )Merci aussi (thank you also, I enjoy your poems very much) Never underestimate the Power of Purpose. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the 'Present' unknown |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
Forrest, I really liked what you were trying to do here. I see the poem in two parts and I liked both, though the first astronomical part I liked best. it's a really tough subject to get a poem round and I think you did really well on it. It would stump me completely I know that! I love all things hobbity and elf-like so I dug the flow into that. I'll have to read the poem again a few times to get the link between the two sections! But a great experimental piece, don't scrap it okay? |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi forrest! wow, i girl stays away for a few days and you sneak a whole new poem in here! i much like this, especially the multicolored twinkling leaves line i think all the new stuff is good, and i am now gonna bother you about the old stuf (mwahaha!)I still say nebula should be plural. even if you wrote like nebuli, ya know anything. plural plural plural plural! (i'm a bit hard headed, if you havent guessed) constricting coils round and round. this line seems somewhat out of joint with the rest of this. i think maybe its a little short and/or abrupt. is it just me that noticed that? its quite possible that im crazy. oh well. luv Elyse |
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