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Petals in the Flame
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Petals in the Flame |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road 
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...running through the summer grass grin ear to ear and the flowers hiding there were just for me... landscape shifts. burning smell. ...kissing Lucy in the rain her waist so warm and firm her saying goodbye my innocent tears... blur of faces. fear wells in my heart. ...first day of work so fresh and young I worked so hard they laughed and Mom so proud... choking. pain. Mom and Dad on my wedding day happy pride in their son all they wished a ring of friends all around... black. sad. ...lying in bed with Jennifer smiles to match the sunshine peeping through the trees our future golden... drifting in blackness. voices fade. ...my mother's eyes look down on me "There there... Everything is alright." soothing sounds warm milk sending me to dreamy sleep... silence descends. And now I see it all. Every face and touch every tear and kiss every fear and fight I see the years from first to last I mourn the me I am and the me I was. I touch the place that's home pledging future will and hope And rise to meet the guiding light. [This message has been edited by allan (edited 06-07-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Allan Tierney - All Rights Reserved | |||
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lotharingia Senior Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 897saarbruecken, Germany |
This is terribly sad, and so well done. I especially like the comments in "blue" that describe how the speaker feels when he remembers these things. Uta Lotharingia "Wir wollen nicht Wert und Sinn ... wir wollen Unwert und Unsinn" Raoul Hausmann |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
allan-- any poem with a line like "lying in bed with jennifer" is bound to catch my attention, lol. i don't really know what to make of this piece, though. you have some really beautiful lines here. i read it as a suicide poem, a person hanging himself (the lines you have in black) with a sort of montage of memories. (what else is one to make of lines like "slight tug. rope hiss" and "choking. pain"?) the thing i don't get, though, is that all the memories are good (except for the possible exception of lucy), and it ends on a hopeful note. there doesn't appear to be any reason whatsoever for the speaker to say near the end "i mourn the me i am / and the me i was." i have to say, my reaction on reading this the first time was "huh?" maybe i'm just totally missing the point here (lord knows it would not be the first time in my life, not even the first time today, LOL), but if it IS a suicide poem, it just doesn't work for me. there are, perhaps, hints that the speaker's life has not, in fact, been all that great under the surface (the mother was proud of her son's job, and his wedding was all the parents wished, and maybe the son felt trapped into living up to THEIR ideals), but this needs to be developed more, IF it's a suicide poem, which, of course, it may not be after all, lol. go figure. there's obviously death at the end of the piece, as i see it, but if it's not a suicide poem, you gotta do something about the rope hiss and the choking, i think. ok, i'll shut up now. jenni |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Allan, Achingly beautiful. A happy life remembered in the throes of death. Although the idea of self-imposed demise is prevalent here, I get the feeling that the impetus for that is from illness (eliminating the future of wasted, painful, slow death). I could be wrong, but the line about morning the me that I am the and the me that I was, speaks to me of a heart saddened at the current situation and despairing the unthinkable to come, and mourning the loss of the vibrant, loving person that used to be... am I rambling? There was so much here that deserves recognition, but suffice it to say - touching and haunting.< !signature--> Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP [This message has been edited by JP (edited 06-08-2000).] |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
Thanks all! JP and lotharingia - greetings and thanks for the particularly kind words. jenni you're going to give me another telling off after I explain. (as with 'Hairy') But you'll be right to as I don't show 'grounds' - is that the right word? Life is quirky and I didn't show or explain why, but the concept was that this man was going through a hanging. I had no details in the back of my mind as to why - but as I wrote it I began to think of a lynching - that he was innocent. Then I thought, well he could be guilty of some terrible crime and STILL have memories such as these. And at the end I had moved more to that side and had him seeing what he had been and mourning the loss of that innocence and mourning also what he had become (not shown or explained i know!) I didn't feel it as set in the modern era but in America maybe 50-75 years ago. Well, there it is - like other poems of mine not consistent or all-revealing - i'm afraid i have an aversion to being explicit. please forgive me jenni... (funny, i looked in my mind for an appropriate name and jennifer pooped in - at first i was going to have him with Lucy - but decided that was not very likely - i did smile a little thinking you'd read it jenni - but that was not why i chose the name - it just arrived in my head like that! i've always liked the name.)  'really liked that you found this quite good - i wrote it yesterday at work and liked how it took shape (then trimmed & edited it online last night). [This message has been edited by allan (edited 06-08-2000).] |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
I like the idea of the poem and the way it's executed. Very good idea, using brief flashbacks of important incidents. I don't like the last line for several reasons. Seems cliche to me, reminds me of the soap opera (i hate soap operas), and it gives away too much. It's almost like you need to tell the reader in more concrete terms because you're afraid he won't get the idea. Leave it open, sometimes it's better to allow the readers to interpret openly. I'm not sure what I would use, but I guess that's up to you (if you agree with me on the whole idea, that is). Also, I formed an image of an old man on his death bed looking back on his life in his last moments, not someone being lynched. Just personal taste, but I like that better than the idea of a hanging. Also, just want to argue with Jenni over the mourning line. I like it. The character is mourning all of the memories b/c they are simply memories and they'll never come again. Just that sort of end of life wistfullness. Still, a powerful poem that I really liked. Nice job. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
Hi Ryan, Thanks for your kind words. I agree it would be more pleasant as an old man dying in his death bed. It didn't come to me that way but I acknowledge the truth of your words. (I should say I only have a very partial control over these 'poem' things! They come to me from the ether and land pretty well fully formed - for better or worse!) By the way I did put the lynching concept out of my mind quite quickly - the main idea was that this man was moving to a strangely blissful state in the midst of what would normally be a very ugly situation - that he was aware only briefly of what was actually going on and was falling further and further into a deeper softer refective state. I started to relate it to a normal death too as you would have wished. I hope death is like this in whatever situation - an easing away to remembrance, reverie, reaffirmation, acceptance and always, in the end, some all enfolding love. (I hope it doesn't sound too twee - it's so darned easy to sound twee!) The last line - I still sorta like it - I am a sucker for closure lines and to find another one would unhinge my brain at this point i think! - but I do take your point... [This message has been edited by allan (edited 06-08-2000).] |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
I just re-read and I agree that it would work as an old man looking back - it reads nicely like that. but as jenni said I'd have to lose the rope references etc. Better too without the last line (Ryan). ...running through the summer grass grin ear to ear and the flowers hiding there were just for me... colours shift. sweet rose smell. ...kissing Lucy in the rain her waist so warm and firm her saying goodbye my innocent tears... blur of faces. fear wells in my heart. ...first day of work so fresh and young I worked so hard they laughed and Mom so proud... tears. pain. Mom and Dad on my wedding day happy pride in their son all they wished a ring of friends all around... colours blurring. lonely ache. ...lying in bed with Jennifer smiles to match the sunshine peeping through the trees our future golden... drifting in blackness. voices fade. ...my mother's eyes look down on me "There there... Everything is alright." soothing sounds warm milk sending me to dreamy sleep... silence descends. And now I see it all. Every face and touch every tear and kiss every fear and fight I see the years from first to last I mourn the me I am and the me I was. I touch the place that's home pledging my love in one last smile Don't know about the ending or changes - just a quick attempt at a re-write here. ('Gone now for W/E back Monday!) [This message has been edited by allan (edited 06-08-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Allen, You don't know how hard I had to hold myself back from commenting a bit harshly earlier on due to the references to suicide. I will not be harsh, but will say that as long as writers keep romanticizing this horrible act, young people with chemical imbalances, especially young men, will keep on ending their own lives in record numbers. I'm so very glad you changed it. I think it works much better in the re-write. It was a good poem, well-written...just the manner in which the subject matter was treated was a problem to me. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Well, The rewrite is good, but lose the added last lines... it ends better with the "me I was... On a side note, I have just come back from a long absence and have noticed a huge uproar regarding works hinting at or pertaining to suicide... While I agree that promoting suicide as an answer to ones problems is unwise and unpalatable, I do not agree nor do I understand the vehemence I've seen expressed in posts to this and other works. Are we as writers of verse obligated to take the responsibility for the actions of those who choose the method of thier own demise? I think not. Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP |
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lotharingia Senior Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 897saarbruecken, Germany |
JP, I agree with you, especially since literature in 'real life' cannot be controlled, and anyone can read anything they want, so if someone wants some inspiration to end their life, they'll find it somewhere anyway. I also don't really believe that a poem or two is enough to drive someone to the brink, that's oversimplifying it a bit. I've written quite a few poems that could be interpreted like that, but I guess I won't post them due to the resistance. Oh dear, I've gone off on a tangent, what I really wanted to say, Allan, is that I got the wrong end of the stick with the first version. I thought it was about a man who's wife had left him or died, and that he had declined emotionally to such a degree (I mourn the me I am / and the me I was) that he was committing suicide. This part ..my mother's eyes look down on me / "There there/ Everything is alright/ soothing sounds / warm milk sending me / to dreamy sleep...) I took to be a flashback to his mother calming him after Jennifer had gone, giving him milk with a sedative. Anyway I like both versions. Uta Lotharingia "Wir wollen nicht Wert und Sinn ... wir wollen Unwert und Unsinn" Raoul Hausmann |
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lotharingia Senior Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 897saarbruecken, Germany |
I forgot to add that I personally prefer the ending in the first version. Uta Lotharingia "Wir wollen nicht Wert und Sinn ... wir wollen Unwert und Unsinn" Raoul Hausmann |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
Dear warmhrt & JP, Just a bit of urgent clarification - (tho this is a bit late - i was away a few days). It was never a suicide poem. The original idea was that he was being hung - but not by himself. By others, for some crime not stated. Thanks for reading though. (This is what happens when i am get vague and ambiguous!) Allan lotharingia, Don't worry - one of my goals with the ambiguity is to try to achieve that effect where the poem will stimulate all sorts of thoughts - I like to read a poem (or see a movie) that does that - so i hope for just the sort of varied response you had. I was only a little perturbed about the suicide connection. (Coincidentally I DID post a suicide related poem in Dark passions on the same day.) 'Why' [This message has been edited by allan (edited 06-12-2000).] |
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