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Arrival of Death
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Arrival of Death |
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Xeonox
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764CA, USA 
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In silence we met as strangers we stood apart but I realize this feeling which I have felt before quietness of my soul is what you seek my throbbing heart is what u hear visible sweat gives you a signal do it now or it shall never be done this moment was of coming since the beginning of time you have awaited this day from the first day of life no more howling pain shall I receive for it is the end of existence as I know it burning hatred grows stronger in me tingling bumps run through my flesh where once was life now runs death internal fire has been abolished what shall happen now only you can decide come closer and let me see what u seek you shall find come and claim what u hope is yours this illusion I have created is flushing away deep sea of terror what I feel now end it now before my mind knows the truth take me death for once and for all eternity Ronil (What I say I live by and what I live by is what I create). |
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| © Copyright 2000 Ronil B Tataria - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Xeonox: I think the subject matter of your poem is fine ... there are many good directions I think you could take with this poem and I think you may want to consider a different approach to the subject. You use plenty of descriptive language but much of it seems overly familiar. Perhaps consider describing Death as he arrives rather than telling us what Death sees when He (or She, I suppose) enters the room. Just an opinion. Jim |
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lotharingia Senior Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 897saarbruecken, Germany |
This is a powerful poem. You create a really oppressive atmosphere. My humble suggestion is to get rid of the repetition of "now" here: deep sea of terror what I feel now end it now before my mind knows the truth take me death for once and for all eternity and leave out the "eternity" at the end: deep sea of terror what I feel now end it before my mind knows the truth take me death for once and for all Uta Lotharingia "Wir wollen nicht Wert und Sinn ... wir wollen Unwert und Unsinn" Raoul Hausmann |
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Xeonox
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764CA, USA |
First of all I thank you for your suggestions. Second,jbouder give me some idea on how to fix it(if it is needed) and third, I plan to create a webpage for all my poems within a week so if i send u guys a link you can read my poems and tell me what you think about them and how can i improve on them. Ronil (What I say I live by and what I live by is what I create). |
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