»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Like a Child....
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Like a Child.... |
|
|
PoetasterD Junior Member
since 2000-06-03
Posts 42Florida |
Like a child not yet able to speak, desiring an object just out of reach Not knowing exactly the action required to satisfy this basic, most intrinsic desire Not capable of obtaining it all alone, and lacking the ability to express in words This need which is all consuming, and to another make it known Like this child is how I often feel as I so pathetically and wantonly appeal For this pleasure I so desperately desire to be singed by passions fire. To know that which can not be taught, and express my feelings without words, to explore the labyrinth of your heart, but my cries are all for naught |
||
| © Copyright 2000 M. Derek Drudge - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
amazon_lover Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 491Dublin,Ireland |
Hi PoetasterD, I've felt it and it was not a nice feeling. Sincerely A_L |
||
|
Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
"Not capable of obtaining it all alone, and lacking the ability to express in words This need which is all consuming, and to another make it known" Hi PoetasterD, These lines meant so much to me, as I often feel the very frustration you speak of! |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
About, God, it must be fifteen years ago, I wrote a song called 'like a child' (I was in a band at the time) that was well received. But it wasn't a good poem and I knew it even then. So what does this have to do with your poem? Absolutely nothing. I was just sharing a useless anecdote.  What bothers me most in this poem are basically two lines: and lacking the ability to express in words and and express my feelings without words, Then why are you writing poem. Have you ever read Haggard of 'She' fame? He does the same thing and it drive me up a wall. If you're going to write, it's your job to attempt to express those feeling in words, to invoke those feeling in words. You're telling me what you feel but not attempting to make me feel. I wonder if the rhyme scheme got you off track? In other words, don't tell, show. Also, if you're going to rhyme make sure you have an established rhythm (meter) to make the whole thing flow more smoothly. I know this may seem a bit harsh but please remember this is CA and I am just one person with one opinion. I can be wrong, Brad |
||
|
PoetasterD Junior Member
since 2000-06-03
Posts 42Florida |
Brad, Thank you for taking the time to critique my poem. I posted on this forum hoping that someone would provide me with feedback that would help me to become a better writer/poet and also to give me an idea of how others interpret my poems. (Compliments are welcomed also )In your critique you write that two lines bother you- "And lacking the ability to express in words" and "and express my feelings without words" This first line and the verse which contains it is my attempt to convey to the reader my feeling of frustration and helplessness by using the simile (or is it a metaphor?) "Like a child not yet able to speak". I thought that the image of a child wanting something, not being able to reach it, and not being able to tell someone what he wants, would communicate a feeling of frustration to the reader. I assumed that this symbolism would be fairly universal. When I said "lacking the ability to express in words", I was referring to spoken words, not in writing as in this poem. Like how some people write a letter to a friend or lover who my live in the same house to tell them something that they cannot say in person (ie. a "dear john" letter). In the second section I wrote, "and express my feelings without words". Here I am talking about expressing my love for someone without words, spoken or otherwise (ie. making love to them). I know there are other ways to tell someone that you love them without words, but that is my preferred method and it is A LOT cheaper than diamonds As for the rhyme scheme, I enjoy trying to write poetry with as many different variations as I can think of just for the challenge. I just wanted to explain to you what the poem means to me. I appreciate you opinion and hope that you will take the time to critique more of my creations. Thank you and best wishes! Poetaster D |
||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
poetasterD-- i agree with brad, you need to establish a rythym here and keep it, especially if you are going to rhyme. another thing to watch out for is the rhymes themselves; speak/reach is a kind of a weak rhyme, to my ear, and coming up first like that i think it hurts the piece. taught/naught, while rhyming perfectly, seems like a bit of a stretch, you're letting the rhymes take over there. i didn't have any problem with the lines brad mentioned; i read the line "and express my feelings without words" as a desire to express yourself beyond words. i did think phrases like "singed by passion's fire" and "labyrinth of your heart" were a bit cliched, though. maybe you can do something more with the child analogy in the second half of the poem? a comparision or contrast between childish desires and "adult" desires? i'd also think about making the "object" that the child desires in the first half of the poem something specific, something that you could use to establish even more of a resonance in the second half of the piece. i don't know, just throwing ideas out here. thanks for sharing this with us, hope to see more of your work out here. jenni |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
