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Dance of Love
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Dance of Love |
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peppermint35 Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1106Texas, USA |
Your hair is as black silk which cascades down Curtaining us off in our own safe place Keeping out the world, affording privacy I cannot keep my hands from it. As I gaze into your eyes, golden depths dancing with stars The whole universe shines through them to me I am lost in your eyes as they wordlessly convey Your love and passion. From your eyes, I am drawn as a moth to flame Your glorious mouth full of promise Lips full and moistened, they present An invitation I soon accept. In eagerness now we seek to find our yearnings Pulses racing, we soar higher and higher. Until we plummet back to earth As satiated, we finish our dance of love. Peppermint Life is a Wheel |
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| © Copyright 2000 Lavenia Crosley - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Peppermint: You certainly communicate the power of the feelings you experienced with someone who is very special to you. I certainly cannot begrudge that. This is critical analysis, however, and there are a number of things about your poem that you may want to look at a little more closely. First, be careful when you use overstatement: "The whole universe shines through them [your eyes]" and "we soar higher and higher / Until we plummet back to earth". Never underestimate the power of understatement. Perhaps try to describe how your partner looks at you ... there is certainly power in that, am I right? Second, watch out for cliched words/phrases: "I am lost in your eyes" and "I am drawn as a moth to flame". Commonly used phrases tend to soften the impact of the experiences you are trying to describe. As I mentioned earlier, you have shown yourself capable of putting your thoughts and feelings to words. You may want to consider telling us more about your partner. What is so special about the look you partner gives you? Describe the kiss. Tell us what the soaring feeling was like rather than telling us that you soared. There are many directions you can take ... why take one that has been done already? Just an opinion, Jim |
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Joshua Garrett Junior Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 21 |
I agree with jbouder...that's not it though. Over all the poem is nice and well rounded in most parts. The understatments make it where I had to read, then read over it again and make sure I fully understood what you where tring to talk about and get across. I truly understand how you fill though. How a woman can seem so perfect to a man...or vise-versa. Nice poem and keep up the good work...no matter what people think - Joshua Garrett |
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peppermint35 Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1106Texas, USA |
I appreciate all the comments. It's nice to have someone read the poem, appreciate it and make suggestions that are so positive. Hey, that's why I'm here; if I'm going to do it, I'd like to do it better. Thanks... both of you. Peppermint Life is a Wheel |
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