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swan
Member

since 1999-07-19

Posts 58
california, usa

0 posted 2000-05-31 10:24 PM

So afraid to change, I've spent years telling myself that nothing ever did.
Trying to hold on to what was there before.
Always chasing something that's just trying to get away.
So nothing more can really happen?
Now Evan has a scolership and Ricks an alcoholic and I'm dialing Justin's number again like nothing has ever changed.
Do you know that song by the Goo Goo Dolls, the one about your name? And the man who so many times promises that he won't tell it to anyone.
I heard him sing it once, in a dimly lit cafe, considence maybe, but I can't get it out of my head.
If I was going to die tomorrow would you sing it for me tonight?
I have braved barbed wires and rattle snakes just to make sure the message got sent.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

1 posted 2000-06-01 09:30 PM

Swan:

This is an interesting poem.  It could stand a quick proof-read ("scholarship", for example) but, otherwise, I thought it was an interesting read.  I am not sure if I like the "dimly lit cafe" setting ... it seems a bit cliched to me and goes too far in the direction of the general and away from the specific for my taste.  Just an opinion.

I think you could expand on the theme a little bit.  The barbed wires and rattlesnakes left me guessing as to what these metaphors represented.  What great difficulties did you experience?  This is a very personal poem that, no doubt, evokes specific images for you.  Some portions of you poem did the same for me and some left me floundering for the meaning.

Even so, I thought the poem was interesting and I enjoyed the read.  Thanks for posting.

Jim

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 2000-06-01 09:55 PM

This poem has great potential but you're still working around what you want to say.
I like the use of longer lines (just don't see that much these days) and you entice the reader with the last line but I still think you're letting the abstractions get in the way of a truly exciting poem.

Drop the first part and begin with "Now Evan has a scholarship . . ." and see if you can tease the rest of it out a bit more.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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