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Critical Analysis #1
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In The Field (this is my best one i think, suprised me)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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In The Field (this is my best one i think, suprised me) |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
if anyone gets a chance tell me what you think of this one. It just popped off the top of my head tonight and i think it's about the best one i've ever written. See what ya think Late in the night, there he was, Existing by himself, just because. He sat for dinner, neith clouds fallen low; Watching for the day, waiting for the crow; Night faded quickly, pleading for the deed, Taking its home, showing its greed. As light broke open the day He heard the sound, then wished it away But the time has come, the daughting hour here, Great gusts of air, the blade draws near. Standing alone, his bravery none could surpass; Tis a mournful day-there falls another blade of grass Written by: Hoppy 5-25-00 There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. -- Oscar Levant Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. -- Howard Aiken |
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| © Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
hoppy a warrior the night and dawn before a battle where he dies? I wonder if this is based on a specific event, experience or battle even, which I'm missing? perhaps the thing i liked best about this piece was the little twist in the last six words. The remainder of the poem has built the fighter into some sort of brave knight of old, an exceptional and distinctive person, then in the final phrase the narrative suddenly zooms back to take the wider view; he is really but another blade of grass no different from all the rest. I liked that. Also i thought the couplet form rather suited the narrative, but that just me .. i happen to quite like couplets  .Some parts i found slightly awkward for instance the word "existing" made me stumble a bit in the opening couplet. I think maybe "neith" should be "‘neath" and I'm not sure what you meant by "daughting"? Should that be "daunting"? The other thing was that i was struck by the contrast between some of the lines in terms of their originality and ability to convey an idea or image: quote: didn't really do anything for me .... i know what you were driving at but i guess the phrase "just because" has been used so much in modern times, mainly in songs about love and stuff, that it seemed wrong in this setting ...... You know what I'm getting at, no? .. the "la did di dum da and i gave her a pink fluffy soft toy from my soul JUST BECAUSE .... di da da" etc ... and then again the ad on TV from a while back .. we had it in the UK .. which had some lunatic James Bond/Jim Bouder he-man type .. bristling with muscles and kung-fu in sheer black lycra (well actually no.. guess it wouldn't have been lycra .. more likely nylon in those days) braving wild animals, storms, sheer cliffs and a perilous climb to his love's satin curtained evening window .. to climb in and place on a little bedside table a box of B.....k M.....c choccies ..... so far the ad has been all tension building Bond type background music .. but then you get the silky smooth voice over "and ALL BECAUSE the lady loves B..... k M.....c" ... get the picture? I know its not "just because", but it's too close to it for comfort in my view!! Anyway, if brad can complain about Gollum I can sure as heck complain about chocs..  quote: this i liked a lot .. the idea of night retreating begging for dawn blood is great ...lol quote: this is one of those lines that you feel sure must have heard before because it's so obviously good and memorable quote: perhaps a little cliched in summary liked the idea ...liked many of the lines, but i perhaps feel a bit more work could make this even better thanks for the read Philip |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi hoppy! I usually find that if i use couplets, it sounds much beter to have a smooth even meter throughout. i apreciate what you're tryin to do here, maybe you could give it more power if you switched to present tense - its more active. also, it sorta seems like you're stretching for the rhyme, or add in bits fo rthe sake of rhyme, i know its hard, but see if you can rhyme while still saying something important to your theme. (you'll notice i avoid this by rarely writing in rhyme ) oh, and 'neath is spelled like that.luv Elyse |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
Let me see if i can back up my use of rhyme as well as "apparent" forced rhyme. I could have broken this and many other poems down into shorter lines which would have read quicker and had a slant rhyme instead of straight rhyme. But i wanted the slower read for this poem. To make the reader slow down and think you structure to make it more difficult to read so they will have to stop. As far as using rhyme and the structer of it. Edgar Allen Poe (which i think is one of the best poets) combined and even made up words to support his rhyme schemes. And Robert Frost was quoted at a conference as saying "writing a poem without rhyme is like playing tenis without a net" Free verse is not BAD, as i write it sometimes, but free verse is a continuation of thoughts and in any structure. The free verse is written as you think it, it shows how you FEEL and what's going on in your head. The rhyme makes you think and use things not normally used and inverse sentence structure. THis is why i think rhymed poetry is much better than free verse. It takes the thought of subject then thought of how to rhyme it, whether it be straight, slant, or any other rhyme scheme. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. -- Oscar Levant "Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hoppy-- i don't think rhyming poetry is any better than poetry that doesn't rhyme, nor structured verse intrinscially better than free verse; good free verse can make the reader think every bit as much if not more than structured, rhyming pieces. in the end, it all comes down to preference and taste, different people like different styles. anyway, elyse's comments had more to do with meter rather than rhyme, and she has an excellent point. your meter here is all over the place, and is inconsistent even within couplets. you say you were trying to slow the reader down and make it difficult to read, but i think maybe you went a little too far, and that it would be a more effective piece if you paid a little more attention to the meter. as it is, the poem has the sound and feel of a rough draft. structured verse, which you seem to want to write, should have some structure, no? just an opinion, of course, i certainly ain't no expert. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-27-2000).] |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
I agree with jenni's comments. Also "tis" didn't seem particularly beneficial to me. Certainly the ideas in the poem are interesting though, and fixing up the metre a bit would'nt be too difficult. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, I didn't particularly enjoy the poem. It seems too choppy, too disconnected for my taste (but if you like it what the hell does my opinion matter). A couple points though: You've misquoted Robert Frost. Frost's concern with that statement was not rhyme, it was the meter and rhythm of a poem. the great debate (probably starting with Whitman) was not whether or not a poem should rhyme or not (if that were the case you'd have to discount Milton's Paradise Lost and Shakespeare's plays), but whether a poem should have a regular rhythm (usually iambic). Your poem doesn't seem to have any (as far as I can tell): LATE in the NIGHT, there he WAS, ExISTing BY himSELF, JUST beCAUSE. He SAT for DINner, NEITH [?] CLOUDS FALlen LOW; WATCHing FOR the DAY, WAITing FOR the CROW; NIGHT FADed QUICKly, PLEADing FOR the DEED, TAKing its HOME, SHOWing its GREED. As LIGHT broke 'O'pen the DAY He HEARD the SOUND, then WISHED it aWAY But the TIME has COME, the DAUGHTing [?] HOUR HERE, great GUSTS of AIR, the BLADE draws NEAR. STANDing aLONE, his BRAVery NONE COULD surPASS; Tis[?] a MOURNful DAY-there FALLS aNOther BLADE of GRASS Some of my reading is certainly debatable but you want to create a regular pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables and I don't see it. Good luck, Brad |
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