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Pitiful Ex
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Pitiful Ex |
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Jana Tovey Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257USA |
Do you think that I feel sorry for you, for your isolation, and disconnection? Did you see pity in my eyes, hear it in my voice? The last thing I feel is pity for someone whose idea of a choice, is so one-sided... self-gratification guided... never mind the kids who depended on you - you shot them the finger told us all to... well, we buggered off, left you to your choices, now you hear voices, echoes of a past that's gone forever... bits of it you missed, never to recover... silly, old sausage, did you think we'd just lay down and die without you in our lives? Never considered that we might do well, better than ever. And now you say "poor me" I'm all alone, no children to watch over, no one in my life... well, ain't it a b**ch when you pull the switch, only to discover, that that oh so fated lover was inconstant in her devotion, and those drugs...won't dull emotions, that your mid-life crisis wiped from the surface of your memory? And guess what lover? I went on to discover a side of me you never knew, the side that never says can't do, I'm over you, so take your blues and Shove It!! [This message has been edited by Jana Tovey (edited 05-31-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jana Tovey - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
You Go Gurl!!! Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jana-- this is a great rant, lol. you're really not saying much new here, i guess, but it comes across with a nice power. the parts where you were rhyming, especially in the second half of the piece, were pretty good, just rolled right off, that i wonder if you might work more of that into the piece; just a thought. the last line seemed a bit of a let down to me, didn't carry the same power that the previous lines had, "deal with it" is such a pat, almost cliched phrase in my opinion. still, overall, a pretty good piece, i enjoyed it. thanks for sharing it with us, hope to see more of your work out here.  jenni |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi Jana, welcome! this is a great kiss my ass poem but it seems like you have some like - how do i describe it - tempo changes in here that throw off the rhythm of the piece. to give you a for instance, Did you see pity in my eyes, hear it in my voice? Well...Wrong! The last thing I feel is pity for someone who made poor choices, not only for yourself... but for those who depended on you - you stuck up the middle finger up to Well...Wrong! youve got this great screw you thing goin on. but when you say just "poor choices" i dunno, its just kindof a limp phrase. i would suggest trying somehting stronger, like saying "a slap in the face to those who depended" or something. dont say that, thats terrible, but you get the idea. also, if youre gonna use the middle finger line, dont say "stuck it up" say something fun like "popped the bird" or something. slangy. the way it is now seems a little too technical and clean for what it is talkin about  to be more vauge, look around for any times you have someone "saying" something. try for a more active word. i think maybe oh-so ought to be hyphenated and this might be cliche, but what could be better than so take your blues and SHOVE EM!  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Jana Tovey Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257USA |
Thanks for the advice. Good suggestions, especially about the tempo. I guess I let the things pouring out of me, pent up for a long time (that's for sure), take over the tempo that I originally set out in. Revisions are in progress. [This message has been edited by Jana Tovey (edited 05-31-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
jana it was a great rant, made greater by the form you chose I think. short lines work well in poems like this. also maybe it wasn't a particularly original theme, but you succeeded in holding my attention I think mainly because of the punchiness of the piece, but also because you adroitly withheld the critical bit of information right 'till the end of the poem ... confirmation of WHY he left was quite important to my enjoyment of this and as a result I read on wanting to know, feeling the tension of the separation build, and wanting to know the answer to that question. by the time you give it to us the guy has been successfully portrayed as an absolute louse, and there is no way the reader wants to hear that the whole situation is anything other than unqualifiedly his fault .. its kind of inevitable in this one sided discourse that it will indeed be his fault, but nevertheless its important to have it confirmed .... nice job.. The only line I was a little disappointed with was: "Silly, old sausage" in the UK at least this is definitely used as a term of endearment!! And as a result it sounds pretty incongruous in this piece .. maybe it's different where you are? Anyway good read jana ... Thanks Philip PS ... what IS this mid-life crisis thingy .. and why does everyone mention it when I'm around ..huh? .. huh? .... [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 05-31-2000).] |
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Jana Tovey Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257USA |
Silly old sausage is a term of endearment in the UK. He's British, I left him after 16 years, and even though I no longer live with him I guess I still love the guy he WAS before he became an addict. Thanks for the comments, though. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
jana ok ... now, with that explanation, it doesn't sound incongruous anymore ..just sad .. philip |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Sorry, but ranting poems just don't do it for me. I'm not questioning your emotion or your sincerity but I wonder how effective such a work can be -- seems like your simplifying, dulling the power of your own feelings rather than attempting to portray your own complexity. You mentioned to Philip that you still have feelings for him and I think you should make that a stronger aspect of the poem itself. This is just an opinion, of course, but I think poetry should attempt to express detail and complexity over manifestos and declarations which are more suited to speeches. Maybe next time, Brad PS Philip, when are you going to post a poem? |
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Jana Tovey Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257USA |
I said I had feelings for who he used to be. This "ranting poem" is to who he is now. I appreciate your comments. I like a good old rant every now and again, though. I'll be sure to warn you next time I decide to post one. |
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