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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Slap |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Hello to all! I have read many of the posts today and I must admit, I am feeling a little intimidated by the quality of work here! I would appreciate any feedback on my first submission. His eyes shined with tears of disbelief and wonder, and I wanted to reach out to him, wrap him in my arms, beg him to remember that I still loved him. Did he still love me? Because he was so small, standing in his worn Pooh pajamas, the shadow of my hand, the color of deep red wine, spreading slowly on his cheek. Fisher Price planes and matchbox cars, crashing, honking, zooming immersed in his little boy world, My frantic pleas for quiet went unheard as I tiptoed on eggshells, while she lay sleeping. What do little boys know about eggshells and kid gloves, about moving slowly and cautiously through a grown-up world, stepping lightly around obstacles, when a stranger is in the house? Too late, like a cyclone, her rage whirled into the room, blowing in without warning, and we ran, dodging the scattering toys as they fell, into the safety of our hideaway, invisible among the cluster of shoes and heavy winter coats. Shivering in the darkness,listening to the inconsolable fury, and the anguished, tormented sobs, the drunken demand to be heard by a world that has left her behind to struggle on alone. and I brushed the thin blonde hair from his eyes and whispered to him of little boy things, like airplanes and cars, while we waited for the storm to pass and our mother to return. Our mother, who would remember that he was only six and I was only nine, and as fragile as the eggshells, that we were often forced to walk on. [This message has been edited by Debbie (edited 05-28-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Deborah L. Carter - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Debbie and welcome to CA, Fear not the reaper  It's an excellent offering to the poetry god Ron "His eyes shined with tears of disbelief and wonder, and I wanted to reach out to him, wrap him in my arms, beg him to remember that I still loved him. Did he still love me?" At first I thought it was going to be an adult relationship poem so this was a nice way to set a reader off guard, it's a plain first stanza which I thought was an excellent tone to start this poem off in. "Because he was so small, standing in his worn Pooh pajamas, the shadow of my hand, the color of deep red wine, spreading slowly on his cheek." I really liked this stanza and I'm not a huge fan of specific references to things such as "Pooh" but it really worked well in this section. An impressive, specific voice rang consistantly throughout this poem. "Fisher Price planes and matchbox cars, crashing, honking, zooming immersed in his little boy world, My frantic pleas for quiet went unheard as I tiptoed on eggshells, while she lay sleeping." Loved this stanza as well. No changes can I suggest. "What do little boys know about eggshells and kid gloves, about moving slowly and cautiously through a grown-up world, stepping lightly around obstacles, when a stranger is in the house?" I would consider using another descrip. other than eggshells just to change it up a bit. Noticed that eggshells was used only a few words apart and though it fits perhaps another word might give more definition to the scene painted. Other than that it was another terrific stanza. "Too late, like a cyclone, her rage whirled into the room, blowing in without warning, and we ran, dodging the scattering toys as they fell, into the safety of our hideaway, invisible among the cluster of shoes and heavy winter coats." Excellent stanza, one idea might be to expand on the hiding and invisibility but nonetheless a solid stanza. "Shivering in the darkness,listening to the inconsolable fury, and the anguished, tormented sobs, the drunken demand to be heard by a world that has left her behind to struggle on alone." BAMMMM! Great bleeping stanza. "tormented sobs" is a little cliched but still it fit in nicely. Loved the last few lines. "and I brushed the thin blonde hair from his eyes and whispered to him of little boy things, like airplanes and cars, while we waited for the storm to pass and our mother to return." Gosh....why the hell were you worried about posting this poem?  The only suggestion I have on this stanza is "storm to pass", maybe consider using something else? Just a thought either way the stanza really works and the last line is quite poignant."Our mother, who would remember that he was only six and I was only nine, and as fragile as the eggshells, that we were often forced to walk on." Good ending and reference to an earlier scene, ie. "eggshells". Maybe consider expanding on your mother remembering that you and your brother were only fragile children....for example, what made her zap back into remembering that you two were only children? A very original poem and the way you told this story was in a very graceful way and I just gotta say wonderfully done Debbie...I'm soooo impressed. I look forward to reading more of your work. Welcome again, take care, Trevor |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Thanks for your comments Trevor! I have been a bit shy about sharing my work, still trying to find my own voice... I know that I used several cliches in my poem but just can't figure out how to do without them! I appreciate your words of encouragement! |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Welcome to Passions! not too good a poet myself and hence can't offer such detailed critiques as Trevor has offered you....will go on to tell you my reaction instead.... at first,i thought this poem was a relationship poem about a mother and her child with the former trying to protect them from an abusive father...then i read the word "her", and changed my mind that the "enemy" that they were trying so hard not to provoke is an elderly relative....eg whining complaining unreasonable grandma... then i saw "mother" and my eyes widened in surprise and the line about the ages of the children really threw me off-guard here....totally never expected the ending but nevertheless very thrilled... i like this first submission....i really do...must do show me more |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
I venture rarely into CA, but I am glad I did. I love your poem..I read with my heart so I can offer no words of critique. Your poetry touched me. Welcome to the family. Please check your email for a special message.  |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
i agree with trevor, why were you so afraid to post this you silly girl? you have some really stong stuff, but then, i am always full of little things you can tweak. i might just pick one, and say wither disbeleif or wonder "Because he was so small, standing in his worn Pooh pajamas," this line seems a little long to me. i might break it into two, or take out the "standing" or the "his". I think that they're his is implied. same thing with "color of deep red wine," when i hear wine colored, i always think that lush purply color, so i dont think you need to say "red wine", just "wine". "went unheard as I tiptoed on eggshells, while she lay sleeping." i might break up this line too. (hmm, im sensing a pattern. this is probably just a me thing.) something about the phrase "kid gloves" is bothersome to me. i cant explain why. again, i would stick with only one modifier, either "slowly" or "cautiously", but not both. this next stanza kick ass! i dont like "inconsolable" here. too many syllables i think. hard to wrap your mouth around. maybe if you took out the "the" it would work better. and, id probably want you to make it 2 lines, but we wont mention that again another great stanza! Our mother, who would remember that he was only six and I was only nine, guess what i think you should do to this??? well, i guess ill shuttup now, im sure you've had more than enough from me. luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Debbie~ This is such a tenderly poignant piece. My heart wants to comfort the little tykes. You've done a superb job with capturing the feelings of a siblings protective nature. My stars, it's really good. I'm not a critic ... so nothing to offer but tears. You moved me. ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ noles1@totcon.com |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hi debbie-- welcome to passions. i thought this was a very interesting piece, quite graceful and touching. i second alot of what trevor and elyse say, but let me add just one thing. the "eggshells" kind of bother me in this piece, especially in the last stanza. "walking on eggshells" is, of course, a metaphor, but when you use the phrase the first and third times, it comes across sort of as if the speaker is ACTUALLY, literally, walking on eggshells. "as i tiptoed on eggshells" in the third stanza seems out of place to me, the tone of all that comes before it is so simple, straightforward, not metaphorical at all; it just seems a little jarring. the repetition of "eggshells" a few lines later is ok (although i agree with trevor that maybe you could mix it up there some). but saying in the last stanza that the children "are as fragile as the eggshells that we were often forced to walk on" just doesn't seem right to me at all; you're using a comparison, saying the children are as fragile as _______, but the thing you are comparing their fragility to is itself only a metaphor, or a part of one anyway, and a metaphor is nothing but another comparison of sorts. putting the metaphorical eggshells in the place of the thing you compare fragility to, combined with your wording in the last line, really makes it seem like the children are actually forced by their mother to walk on the shells of eggs scattered on the floor. i don't know, i just think you'd have a much stronger finish if you tackled it head on and made the comparison to something that was actually fragile, not simply to a metaphor for something fragile. great work overall, though, i really enjoyed this piece. thanks for sharing it with us! i hope to see more of your work out here soon. jenni |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Thanks again to all of you for your warm welcome and much appreciated suggestions on my poem. I agree, the metaphors don't seem to work. I wrote this poem a while ago and keep going back to it from time to time, trying to make it right! Sometimes, rarely, it's okay to use cliches, but maybe "walking on eggshells" is just not going to work here! Your comments are very helpful! Debbie |
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