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A Goodnight Touch...please help!!!
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Goodnight Touch...please help!!! |
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TheCandyMan_1 Junior Member
since 1999-08-28
Posts 38NY |
Dozing off..I feel the breeze upon my cheek And watch you bathing in a creek. The golden sun the waters blue Mmmmm, I'm in the creek with you too. You hold my face and kiss my lips I wrap my arms around your hips. You slide your hand down my side The creek now - an ocean, a beach, a tide. On the beach you lay with me Naked bodies, sand, and heat. You kiss my lips, my neck, my chest Then smile at me and kiss the rest. Our passions build, our souls entwined Connected by our hearts and minds. You arch your back and hold me tight I kiss your shoulder and gently bite. In the passion our souls collide Waves and ripples, moans and sighs. Our bodies collapse, movements cease Arms around you..total peace. Every night shall be as thus, A Goodnight kiss..A Goodnight Touch! ....I want all the help I can get on this one. It is of a dream I had. It started in a creek and magically shifted to a beach. I was finding it hard to make the transition from the creek to the beach. This is a first attemp at really writting something that matters to me. Thank you in advance. ------------------ JA.Malone [This message has been edited by TheCandyMan_1 (edited 08-30-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 TheCandyMan_1 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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PhaerieChild Senior Member
since 1999-08-30
Posts 1787Aloha, Oregon |
I found this poem to be very sensuous and the transition from the creek to beach was difficult since this was inspired from a dream and dreams are almost always nebulous by nature. Maybe if it could have flowed from creek to ocean sort of like a crescendo or something like that. I just love it anyway. ------------------ |
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TheCandyMan_1 Junior Member
since 1999-08-28
Posts 38NY |
Thank you for your comments they are very welcomed. I have made a few changes. Let me know what you think. I feel the breeze upon my cheek And watch you bathing in a creek. The golden sun the waters blue Now I'm in the creek with you. You hold my face and kiss my lips I wrap my arms around your hips. You slide your hand down my side The creek, now an ocean, a beach, a tide. On the beach, we lovers meet Naked bodies, sand, and heat. You kiss my lips, my neck, my chest Then smile at me and kiss the rest. Mmmm, a gentle touch, a soft carress Love mixed with wicked playfulness. Our passions build, our souls entwined Connected by our hearts and minds. You arch your back and hold me tight I kiss your neck and gently bite. In the passion our souls collide Waves and ripples, moans and sighs. Now we collapse, movements cease Arms around you..total peace. ------------------ JA.Malone [This message has been edited by TheCandyMan_1 (edited 08-30-99).] |
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TheCandyMan_1 Junior Member
since 1999-08-28
Posts 38NY |
WILDCHILD, Thank you! It means alot to me to put my poems up here for comments from such gifted writers. I am happy to hear that you liked it. Thank you.  ROBIN, Your comments and help on this piece means the world to me. You are one of the gifted writers on here...and I apprecaite all your help. Thank you so much. ------------------ JA.Malone |
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Terri Member
since 1999-08-08
Posts 82Turtle Creek, PA |
Candy--I liked the first draft but the second is even better! I thinks you've captured the dream like flow of sensations quite well. Very lovely! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I don't quite understand what you're trying to accomplish here? What feeling are you trying to show here? Drop the rhyme scheme. I think it's forcing you to use words that have just been too overused in poems. Waves and ripples, moans and sighs -- this is a climax? I don't mean to be rude but I really do believe you need a more complicated structure to do your dream justice. More surreal (a little fabulism might help here -- or it might hurt. What about understatement?) More detailed images Don't use the following words: soul, hearts, minds, and love. Just my opinion, Brad |
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TheCandyMan_1 Junior Member
since 1999-08-28
Posts 38NY |
Terri- Thank you so much. I am very glad that you could feel where this poem was coming from. A dream is a dream. Not much visions as you said...mostly feelings. You are very sweet, thank you for your post and your email PS. The part about homeroom in your email was right on the money. Teeheehe Muah, thank you .. that made me feel good. ------------------ JA.Malone -x--------->o<---------x- "Biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite - "Fool!" said my Muse to me "look in thy heart, and write!" - Sir Philip Sidney |
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TheCandyMan_1 Junior Member
since 1999-08-28
Posts 38NY |
Brad- Thank you for your comments. They have made me think about writing a story about this dream also. The feeling of this poem is that of a dream. The feelings I had when I awoke. They were feelings of love and passion for a woman. I didn't dig deep because the only feeling I wanted to come through was the ones I felt at that exact moment. I will write that story though. Thanks. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Candyman, thanks for taking my words in the spirit that they were meant. If I helped you to move in a different direction, or see things in a different way (not better) then I think I've done my job as a poster -- and that makes me feel great! I look forward to seeing the new poem. Brad |
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PhaerieChild Senior Member
since 1999-08-30
Posts 1787Aloha, Oregon |
CandyMan I do like the second version alot better than the first but I also agree with Brad that some things are better written as a story or prose than as a rhyming scheme. I personally prefer a rhyme as I like the singsong aspect of it but dreams are so hard to get to the core of so to speak in that format. When you get it written I'd like to read it. I think alot more of the sentiment? would come thru. ------------------ Words lay dormant in the recesses of the mind til called forth to a labor of love. By WildChild |
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