»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
the migration of the birds II
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
the migration of the birds II |
|
|
rene Member
since 2000-04-24
Posts 113 |
into the perimiter, swallows flew the marshes concealed by whispering reeds they were thrown leaping like children lost in thoughts of far away lands |
||
| © Copyright 2000 rene - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
rene-- i thought this was really beautiful, very evocative. your last three lines are great. an interesting little piece; thanks for sharing it with us. jenni |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Rene I've got to admit i'm struggling a bit with your "migration of birds" series (always assuming it is a series). Individually the poems seem to say things (not quite sure just what exactly they yet...lol ..later on that!) but i'm having trouble seeing the possible links that jenni suggests in her critique on No.III. Nevertheless this is my favourite of the three mainly for its simplicity and the accuracy with which it brings to mind swallows over the marshes. "Evocative" sums it up well. quote: is such a graphic description of the way i've watched swallows in the heavy, still evening air of the Norfolk Broads diving through the mosquito swarms over the reed beds. beautiful poem rene Philip PS small typo on "perimeter"  [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 05-23-2000).] |
||
|
doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
before i reply, i made sure i didn't read any of the other replies this time... didn't want them to influence me ok.... first, i don't understand the deep indentation but i assume that's a technique to emphasize that line. i don't think it's really necessary, tho, because the middle line, "the marshes concealed by whispering reeds" would stand out and be effective without the indentation.. but... it's fine.. just never understood why people do that although i am a fan of e.e. cummings.... LOL i like this #2 poem a lot....especially the line, "leaping like children" i don't think the last line is necessary, but that's just me. ok, now on to #3 *grin* i'm having fun here in CA... LOL... enjoyed this piece oh, and btw, do a spell check  [This message has been edited by doreen peri (edited 05-23-2000).] |
||
|
rene Member
since 2000-04-24
Posts 113 |
thankyou for your spelling corrections, i can't spell but i guess you knew the words anyway |
||
|
Seoulman Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41 |
Hi Rene, have just read the second poem of your series and unfortunately struggled to see the link between one and two. I enjoyed the content in the second poem as it relates well with your title. Will read the third soon! |
||
|
doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
rene- if i am wrong, please forgive me, but i detected a sense of offense on your part that i pointed out a spelling error. to be honest, i hadn't even read philip's response to you and didn't realize it had already been pointed out. spelling is part of it. didn't mean any offense. lots of people can't spell. that's why i suggested spellcheck. of course the word was understood. that's not the point. again, meant no offense... i thought that's what this forum was all about. maybe i'll stick to Open. be well ... i'll look forward to reading more of your quite creative work |
||
|
rene Member
since 2000-04-24
Posts 113 |
doreen, no no no! i was not at all offended by people pointing out my spelling mistakes, i am sorry if i came off that way. i was just being honest really- i can't spell. i expect i could learn but people like me are selfish lazy and greedy! |
||
|
doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
hi, rene... sorry i misunderstood... not your miscommunication, my misreading. Sometimes it's difficult to discern a whole lot from text, unfortunately... LOL... that's almost funny because this is a forum for trying to discern a whole lot from text.. *grin* ah.. the ironies of life! anyway... you don't have to learn be a great speller... that's why God created spellcheck again, sorry for misunderstanding doreen |
||
|
Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
yeah I like this one a lot better than the first, (not saying the first is not GOOD.. hehe) is there, umm.. a connection of sorts between #1, #2 and #3? or... umm.. not.. ^_^ hehe, 'coz I can't seem to find one, just seems a little peculiar to me.. *_^ Well, this is a great description, lovely work rene! ^_^ Oh, one thing, the line "Into the perimeter" aah, does it fit? how can they fly into the perimeter? (perimeter - outer edge of a shape, length of this..) perhaps another word should be in place of this. *_^ Just a thought.. And writing "swallows flew the marshes concealed by whispering reeds they were thrown.." kinda suggests that it is the marshes being thrown, I guess that is y u used the indentation? but perhaps a little word re-arranging here wouldn't go amiss either. ^_^ great work rene Lynne |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
