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the migration of the birds 1
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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the migration of the birds 1 |
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rene Member
since 2000-04-24
Posts 113 |
hands cold as dawn again molesting the grooves of my spine fireflys boasted the night again ugly and serene lips full of lies again red suffocating in the air the revolt of the prisoners again (they built a new society) wounds as open as eyes again purpose and the elite mean nothing again |
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| © Copyright 2000 rene - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi rene! this is interesting, although i dont understand the "fireflies boasted the night again" line. actually, i think you could take that stanza out, it doesnt seem to go with your other stanzas. my favorite one is "lips full of lies again"  thats great. only other thing, i might change the progressive(ing) verbs in stanzas 1 and 3 to the more active present tense. that's all i got  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi rene! this is interesting. although, i dont understand the "fireflies boasted the night again" line. actaully, i think you could cut that whole stanza, it doesnt really seem to go with the other ones. my favorite line is "lips full of lies again" its great only other thing, you might consider changing the progressive(ing) verbs in stanzas 1 and 3 to the more active present tense. well, that's all i got luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi rene! this is interesting. although, i dont understand the "flies boasted the night" line. actually, i think you could cut that entire stanza, it doesnt seem to go with the rest of them. my favorite line is "lips full fo lies again" the only other thing, you might consider changing the progressive(ing) verbs in stanzas 1 and 3 to the more active present tense. well, that's all from me luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
ok, well, see what had happened was i would say to post one but it wouldnt show up when i scrolled back down the page. sorry rene! |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
rene-- this is a very interesting piece, sort of like a slow, mournful alto sax riff in a smokey jazz club. i like elyse's suggestions on changing "molesting" to "molest" and "suffocating" to "suffocate". nice work! jenni |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
very interesting, yes! i agree with jenni... i really like the prisoners line and the line "ugly and serene"... it creates a sense of uncomfort, dualism... now i'll read the other 2 |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Well the title makes me want to think of a nature scene but the content of the poem seems to be one of a metaphorically described relationship. Migration of birds, the changing of people? Dunno you tell me. The only part I'm having trouble with if this is a poem about an unhealthy relationship is, "the revolt of the prisoners again (they built a new society)", ant hill?? Kinda vague and only hints at things but I never felt "let in" on the poem. Descriptive enough to be interesting but vague enough to feel incomplete. I guess I'll have to read the others. Thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
Mmm, yeah I would have to agree with Trevor on this one, I am not sure what it is about, a little vague.. an interesting piece, and I think the words are well placed, describtive.. of what though? mm, i will read your other two now.. *_^ Lynne |
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