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Ungraciousness Defined
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Ungraciousness Defined |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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done [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 05-26-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi Kris! very vivid, you really show what you feel. a few little things: in stanza 2, im not sure you need "had" to preceede "made". it's more active without the helping verb. and i might change "able to be swallowed" its a little bulky as is, maybe something like "easily swallowed" or "soothly swallowed" i dunno, do you see what i mean? and then you could change the frosting line, to just "with emotion frosting" because the "by" and "them" are understood at that point i think. just say you sat "in" the chair. it sounds kinda funky to say you sat "within" it. last thing (and i swear ill shut up) you might consider giving "foundation" a desvriptive verb instead. although, its sounds good as is. feel free to ignore me  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Elyse, Thanks so much for such the critique. I did change a couple of things, but I feel foundation (as in "the beginnings") is the word I would like to use. Also, I am leaving "within", because it implies being surrounded by...that's what I want. Yes, feelings are what motivates me to write...sometimes they rise from the past, from situations dissimilar to the poem, and sometimes they are from emotions generated by recent experiences. Everything we do has an emotion tied to it, but the situations that touch us most deeply are often what spurs the "muse" into life. Do you agree? Thanks again  Kris < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 05-21-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Kris I sure hope this has a "historical" inspiration it was altogether very convincing. "choking them down by frosting them with ingenuous emotion." nice passage that kris i thought, pretty grim theme though .. I admire the skill in this kris, but i'm still trying to "like" the poem.. Philip |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Philip, Sorry you dislike the poem, but that's life...can't please everyone...sometimes no one, or so it seems. Thank you, though, for saying it was skillful... Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
kris-- an interesting poem, with some very disturbing images, no doubt you intended it that way. deception, sweet lies, coldness, cruelty...you spell it out here quite well. i like your new title, btw. one thing though? and this is just me, i think. this piece is very allegorical, but perhaps it is a little too much so? perhaps "allegorical" is not the right word; i mean, from the first, it is obvious the speaker is not talking about actually drinking from a cup, or eating, or sitting in a chair, or laying her hands on a table. i don't know, my own opinion is that allegory works best when the piece works just as well on the literal level as on the figurative, allegorical level. for some reason, i just didn't think this piece worked as well on the literal level, especially the "i was left fingerless" part. i think maybe you could say what you are saying here a little more effectively with use of similies instead. of course, that would change the whole piece, make it into a different poem, lol. oh well, just a thought, probably not a good one, lol. you might want to think, though, about making the poem work more realistically as a literal dinner scene as well as on the figurative level. just a suggestion. nice work, though, kris, no doubt this was a tough one to write. it is, as elyse, says, quite vivid. thanks for sharing it with us. jenni |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
jenni, As the title implies, this metaphorically builds the scene of a host/hostess who has invited someone to his/her home, and that guest has been treated very badly. Though under the guise of graciousness, he/she is given "hospitality", it is nothing of what is expected or hoped for, and in the end, as he/she attempts to give of him/her self, he/she leaves with pieces of him/her self left behind, now killed...dead, no longer a part of him/her. Make any sense? Well, if not I guess the next one will be less metaphorical, or allegorical. Thanks, jenni for reading, and for your opinions and comments. Always appreciated. Kris < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 05-23-2000).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Kris, and I loved this Sorry I didn't get back to your last poem and give a real critique but I shall try and make ammends with this one. "I drank from your cup, and soon felt no pain, the room spinning until it felt out of control." I'm sorry but I found this line to be kinda cliched sounding because "I drank from your cup and soon felt no pain" and because of the spinning out of control part. "I tasted what you offered, and was left hungry, craving by the bitter slices of time I made palatable, choking them down by frosting them with ingenuous emotion." I really liked the last four lines of this stanza but thought the first few lines were a little melodramatic. "I sat within the chair you called your own, felt the seat, cold and hard upon my tender skin, foolishly, I thought I had warmed it, assuaged it, sufficiently, to accomodate my presence." Again, same thing, the last half of the stanza I thought was really excellent but the first half was kinda off. "I laid my hands upon your table, and was left fingerless, my blood spilling down onto the miasmic foundation of what had not been, of what would never be." I thought the "blood spilling" thing has been crushed to death and the ending left me wanting. To be honest Kris, I think you are a much better writer than shown in this poem. For me, this poem seemed overly melodramatic and cliched. It lacked the depth and layers you usually give in a poem and relied too heavily on metaphors and overdone imagry. Well that's just my opinion and I think you know that none of this critique is meant to hurt your feelings or insult you but rather just give you my honest opinion of a poem. Thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Trev, I thank you for your critique, and I'm sure I will heavily rework this one. It was more of an emotional release, therapeutic-type of writing...and, at the time, it was not melodramatic to me at all, but it does seem so now. (Though often what's melodramatic to a guy is not so to a woman) I know this is way over the line though, now that my vision has cleared a bit. Thanks again, Trev, for reading, and for taking the time to really get into the poem. I appreciate it. I know you are critiquing the work, not me, so don't worry about hurting my feelings, OK, Canucklehead?(I only give nicknames to friends and people I like) Kris P.S. In fact, I hate this piece so much that I would sincerely appreciate it if one of our esteemed and learned moderators would delete this piece of garbage. < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 05-24-2000).] |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
I related well to this one, I won't dare to critique it poetically, but on an emotional level this poem left me stunned. I am guilty of leaving little pieces of myself in a relationship, a finger, and eye, whatever! Because I try so hard to please, to fit myself to *their* standards. I liked this poem greatly, don't have it deleted . I also think the descriptive terms you used were correct and as Philip would say...*spot on*. Kudos ~Heather |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Huh? Whaddya mean gal ..? a more yankified Brit you couldn't find .. never said that in mi life Nice to see you here heather btw ... P |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Heather, I thank you very much for your kind comments, BUT I WOULD STILL LIKE THIS DELETED, PLEASE!! Moderators...waiting. I guess I can take matters into my own hands. Kris P.S. Don't listen to a thing Philip says... if his keys are tapping, he's stretching the truth. (Ya know I luv ya P, my friend)the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
She's right Heather y'know .. a more fickle and unreliable fellow you couldn't hope to meet .. heh heh .. specially, i might add, in the arena of the critique of love poems ... NEVER take any notice of me then ! (hi kris btw .. ummm i see you deleted it) |
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