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Fever
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Fever |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
**note to Forrest - have glass of ice water handy before proceeding to read this poem.  Mother's lips on my forehead "feels like a fever baby doll so, (cooing coercively) take this (sideshow pink) PeptoBismol Tylenol Cough syrup (the apetizing "cherry" flavor) just to be Safe." Her lips again "and get some sleep" Head on pillow, feet 'tween sheets these fever dreams Southern summer steeped ya give me fever So Hot on the Beach in a Parka. but then this man appeared in fire red swimtrunks and he give me fever sat down and helped me pull the Parka off and fever! the sun seems harsher when you kiss me but it was fine cuz suddenly we're swimming in frothing liquid (Nyquil?) but I am fever weak and I want him to...need him to when you hold me tight help me stay afloat cuz I think I'm... and then we're back on the Beach ya give me fever And fever his eyes (his hands?) are on me It felt...fever all through the night so much Skin chills nerves send So Hot on the Beach Fever! I'm melting Fever! We're melting Fever! into each other And we're Waking. to sweat soaked sheets One hour sixteen minutes and zero seconds later with Seafoam geltabs by my bed and jazz songs on my mind. < !signature--> Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt [This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 05-16-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Elyse Wilcock - All Rights Reserved | |||
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WTVamp Junior Member
since 2000-05-01
Posts 18Salem, OR, US |
Wow! Great comparison, I'm genuinely impressed. Romantic, Eros, but not terribly overboard on either. Great Job! |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Great job! The poem certainly sounds like jazz. Very hot and feverish. Its good to see a poem needn't always be dull. I think Forrest reads it he better take your advice though! -Tim |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Elyse Unusual, funny and like Tim I thought you captured the atmosphere of the song and the heat of the moment .....lol .. you really do need to check out Ron's recent post in the English Workshop Forum though before you use language like that (shock - horror - heaven forbid etc ..... kiddin' of course)... lively and colourful poem thanks Philip |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Dear sweet Elyse you imply my hormones control me. But of course they do. I`m sitting on an ice glacier in Alaska with a thousand Eskimos pouring buckets of ice water down my back and darned if I still don`t feel feverish. Could you pass the Nyquil. Again I love your poem and your wide range of topics. I write about loss, you write aboutlove. I like yours better. As always your biggest fan forrest |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
aw, y'all are all so sweet! although, poetree, its funny? somehow i dont see it. (although, i do wear pretty thick glasses) i dont think ron would be too upset WTVamp, you flatterer! you people are gonna spoil me  Tim, though i thank you for the compliments ( ) i get the distubing impression that you are bored by most poems aww Forrest, i warned you didnt I? just turn up the AC (i wouldnt go with NyQuil tho, that stuff's like 50 proof) luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Elyse, I'm absolutely blown away. Reading this poem made my day. Utterly stunning. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
elyse-- i liked this piece, except for the introduction, which i thought was maybe a little too long and involved. it sets the scene, sure, and contrasts nicely with the more feverish parts that follow, but i think you can maybe do this more quickly and effectively somehow; it's about 1/4 of the piece as it is, and it has two characters, one of whom doesn't feature in the main part of the poem anyway, and dialogue...just seems like alot to get through before the piece really begins, in my opinion. the rest of the piece is great, i thought you did a really good job working the song through the piece. the capital letters are a bit distracting, though, lol. good work! thanks for sharing it with us! jenni |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
YES!!!! BRAVO!!! *rising to applaud* well done... no critique necessary.. this poem shines!! |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
wow, everyone is being so NICE! i couldnt beleive noone had an idea for change (but then, we know we can always count on jenni for that )JL, i could go off that kind of compliment for days then when you add in doreen's amazingly sweet comment, i should be on cloud nine for like, weeks. jenni, could it be that you have a latent animosity towards capitol letters? just a thought, and thanx for the other sweet stuff you said too. if i werent so ridiculously prideful, id be blushing right now.  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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