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Critical Analysis #1
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bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California

0 posted 2000-05-11 07:04 PM


Making Electricity
By bboog

I once asked my grandfather
How do you make electricity?

He told me to scruff my feet
Across the carpet,
Touch a metal doorknob.
Stray electrons
Spark, making electricity.

In large power plants
huge magnets
Whirl round
Copper-lined walls
Pull off stray electrons and
Roll them like marbles
One by one
down copper wire
Like constant water
gushing through pipes.

So I asked my love,
Why are we here?

She lay beside me
Naked on the bed.
And kissed me
mouth, lips tongue.
Long deep soft
Love
Love
Love
Thoughts spilled and swirled.
Shiny metal pinballs
Racing, bumping, rolling
One by one by one
downloading
downloading
Constant thoughts
expressing her
affection



© Copyright 2000 Robert Boog - All Rights Reserved
Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
1 posted 2000-05-11 09:18 PM


hey bboog!  I like the first part about electricity, but i would bring that into the second part too.  especially that line you repeat about stray electrons. maybe after "one by one"  you could say something about catching stray electrons and making electricity. the downloading didnt work for me, that seems a different metaphor than the electrical one you started with.   I think you could cut that without losing anything much, even if you dont like my other suggestion.  a cool idea tho.  
luv Elyse



 Do I contradict myself?
Very well then . . . . I contradict myself;
I am large . . . . I contain multitudes.
-Papa Walt

bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
2 posted 2000-05-11 11:26 PM


E~
Thanks for your observations. Am mulling it over and will play around with it a little more. I always appreciate your comments/insights.
best regards,
bboog

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
3 posted 2000-05-12 04:14 AM


Bob,
Great poem. It flowed so well that I'll even put up with the love love love part (actually, heard a certain reverb there).

Thanks. I needed that.

Brad

tom
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90
s/w penna u.s.a.
4 posted 2000-05-12 03:45 PM


bboog
I like this for numerous reasons,first- I work in the power generation field,second I'm a softy for a good love poem,to name a few.I have a small problem with the transition between the first and second halfs,almost felt like 2 different poems,maybe try--

And kissed me
mouth,lips
a stray tongue
sparks
Long deep soft

it ties the two thoughts together (for me).

The rythem of the first half read like a soft voice,(grandfather to grandson)the second half had a undertone of being mechanical,(short,repetitive).I liked this best of all,I hope it was intentional.

I won't work in a power plant and feel the same way again.  Good poem.

  tom

ps I was thinking Forrest Gump,but now I can't help but wonder.Thanks for the chuckle.


 happiness,live it-learn it-know it


bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
5 posted 2000-05-12 05:41 PM


To Tom and Brad:
Thanks for reading. I appreciate both your comments and opinions. Tom, I liked your idea. Am scrambling to meet deadlines right now and don't have too much time, but will work on this poem in the future.
best regards,
bboog

doreen peri
Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812
Virginia
6 posted 2000-05-13 03:46 PM


the memory of your childhood and explanation of electricity alongside juxtaposed with the lovemaking scene... this is very well done.

you got me. i'm a fan. MORE!

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

7 posted 2000-05-13 06:25 PM


I loved the way the questions and answers jumped from childhood to adulthood, including a change from electricity to electronics.

Only one little suggestion: In my opinion, you need to add a bit more to the ending...tie it in, maybe to the prior stanza.

Nice work, bboog,
Kris

 the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
8 posted 2000-05-15 11:10 PM


To Doreen and Kris~
Sorry, I've been out of town for a couple of days, thanks for reading and commenting. Yeah, I'll try to work on the ending of this one- one of these days.
best regards,
bboog

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