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Making Electricity
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Making Electricity |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Making Electricity By bboog I once asked my grandfather How do you make electricity? He told me to scruff my feet Across the carpet, Touch a metal doorknob. Stray electrons Spark, making electricity. In large power plants huge magnets Whirl round Copper-lined walls Pull off stray electrons and Roll them like marbles One by one down copper wire Like constant water gushing through pipes. So I asked my love, Why are we here? She lay beside me Naked on the bed. And kissed me mouth, lips tongue. Long deep soft Love Love Love Thoughts spilled and swirled. Shiny metal pinballs Racing, bumping, rolling One by one by one downloading downloading Constant thoughts expressing her affection |
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| © Copyright 2000 Robert Boog - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hey bboog! I like the first part about electricity, but i would bring that into the second part too. especially that line you repeat about stray electrons. maybe after "one by one" you could say something about catching stray electrons and making electricity. the downloading didnt work for me, that seems a different metaphor than the electrical one you started with. I think you could cut that without losing anything much, even if you dont like my other suggestion. a cool idea tho. luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
E~ Thanks for your observations. Am mulling it over and will play around with it a little more. I always appreciate your comments/insights. best regards, bboog |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Bob, Great poem. It flowed so well that I'll even put up with the love love love part (actually, heard a certain reverb there). Thanks. I needed that. Brad |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
bboog I like this for numerous reasons,first- I work in the power generation field,second I'm a softy for a good love poem,to name a few.I have a small problem with the transition between the first and second halfs,almost felt like 2 different poems,maybe try-- And kissed me mouth,lips a stray tongue sparks Long deep soft it ties the two thoughts together (for me). The rythem of the first half read like a soft voice,(grandfather to grandson)the second half had a undertone of being mechanical,(short,repetitive).I liked this best of all,I hope it was intentional. I won't work in a power plant and feel the same way again. Good poem. tom ps I was thinking Forrest Gump,but now I can't help but wonder.Thanks for the chuckle. happiness,live it-learn it-know it |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
To Tom and Brad: Thanks for reading. I appreciate both your comments and opinions. Tom, I liked your idea. Am scrambling to meet deadlines right now and don't have too much time, but will work on this poem in the future. best regards, bboog |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
the memory of your childhood and explanation of electricity alongside juxtaposed with the lovemaking scene... this is very well done. you got me. i'm a fan. MORE! |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I loved the way the questions and answers jumped from childhood to adulthood, including a change from electricity to electronics. Only one little suggestion: In my opinion, you need to add a bit more to the ending...tie it in, maybe to the prior stanza. Nice work, bboog, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
To Doreen and Kris~ Sorry, I've been out of town for a couple of days, thanks for reading and commenting. Yeah, I'll try to work on the ending of this one- one of these days. best regards, bboog |
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