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sheba57
Member

since 1999-06-27

Posts 64
vincennes, in usa

0 posted 2000-05-02 04:09 AM

passion lost

how sad the thought .....
of lost passion.
the beginning - passion runs strong.
excitement, sparks ..... lust.
time passes, responsibilities grow
while the passion begins to shrink (fade).
changes take place, priorities shift;
the sparks burn out.
eyes once blazing, now bleak (emotionless)
..... dead (dying) embers.
desperate love is all that's left,
sad, yearning looks.
unable to say just where
the passion has gone.
two people ..... once full of life,
now fragile, empty shells.
if you listen closely, you will hear .....
the silent screams of a passion lost.

~celtic rose - 2000~

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2000-05-03 11:09 PM

Certainly, a theme not usually addressed in poetry but nevertheless valid. At the moment I have two suggestions:

1. I thought you were spending too much time telling us what the problem is rather than showing us. Why not concentrate on the two people your trying to explain without so much commentary? Of course, a little commentary is okay.

2. Your use of parenthetical asides can be dropped by replacing those words with the ones your trying to make more exact -- it seems like your not too confident in your word choice here. Don't get me wrong, I use parenthetical statements in my own stuff, just think you can get away without them here.

Just a few suggestions,
Brad

Scarlet Lady
Member

since 2000-02-11

Posts 242
Midwest

2 posted 2000-05-04 12:10 PM

Hello Celtic Rose.....boy, bring this stuff to where the real, nitty gritty, everyday life people live (such as dark passions), and they would eat it alive! I loved it...great work of the heart, that reaches most people where they "really" live! Thanks for the read, it was great for me!!!!!! But u better beware the critiques here, because they are out to do just that my dear, and the have their place and they do their job very well!!! Hope to see more of your work.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2000-05-04 12:32 PM

Gotta disagree slightly there, Illusion. I think it's wrong to assume that 'darkness' is really real and 'happiness' is only, what? -- semi-real?

It may be true that she might get a better response in Dark Passions (Who knows?) but not because those who concentrate in that area are more in touch with reality -- I am not slighting Dark either.

The only illusion, Illusion, is permanence.
--Actually, I just wanted to say that.

Brad

sheba57
Member

since 1999-06-27

Posts 64
vincennes, in usa

4 posted 2000-05-14 01:27 AM

hi brad,

thanks for your thoughts. perhaps i should clear up the use of the parentheses. i am in no way shaky on word choice. they are representing whispered words which are part of the poem.

i am a little confused as to why you say that an ended relationship is not a topic for poetry. can you clarify?

thanks again, sheba57

sheba57
Member

since 1999-06-27

Posts 64
vincennes, in usa

5 posted 2000-05-14 01:43 AM

thanks to both of you for taking the time to reply.

brad - why is this not a topic normally seen in poetry? i thought poetry was about passions of all kinds.

the use of parentheses here was to stress the words contained - when the poem is read aloud, those words are actually to be whispered - thus the use of the parentheses.

illusion - perhaps i will post on the darkness site as well - always open to others' thoughts.

celtic rose

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