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Golden
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Golden |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
I dreamed I was a leaf of grass, Looking forward to the sun. Waving happily my thanks When golden warmth and I are one. I woke up to cherry lips, and kissed a naked rose in bloom, Her skin and eyes and hair Were golden bathed in sun perfume. [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 05-03-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Robert Boog - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
oh, how sweet! but gently so, not sappy or fake. 2 things: i cant decide whether it sounds like an homage or like stealing to say "leaf of grass" im still ambiguous, just thought id bring it to your attention. also, i think i might put the second stanza in present tense, to make it more active and alive. luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
bboog-- this is a sweet poem, indeed. your meter seems a bit uneven throughout, though; i don't know if that bothers you, but just thought i'd point it out. your first line is nicely iambic, with 4 beats ("tetrameter" they say, lol). the second and third lines also have four stresses, but the rythym is trochaic. the fourth line reverts back to the same meter as the first, iambic with four stresses. in the second stanza, the first line has three stresses (i a-WOKE to her CHER-ry LIPS), with two anapests followed by an iamb. (god, i really hate these terms, lol.) the second and third lines also have three stresses, but they are imabic all the way. the final line is back to four stresses with iambic feet. like i said, none of this really matters if that's the way you want it, but the piece might be more effective (that is, be even more charming, and sound nicer), if you kept a nice meter throughout, maybe what they call ballad stanza (alternate lines of tetrameter and trimeter, such as "i dreamed i was a leaf of grass, / leaning to the sun..."), or straight iambic tetrameter throughout with some of "jim bouder's acceptable variations," or extending the lines to pentameter, or whatever. as it stands now, the first line of the second stanza really sticks out after the pattern of sorts created by the first stanza, and maybe that's fine (the speaker is, after all, waking up; there's no need to mechanically apply any meter, and that's a good thematic place to break the flow, perhaps), but the continued use of trimeter in that stanza just seems a little out of place in the piece as a whole, in my opinion. anyway, something to think about, i guess, lol. it really is a nice piece, though, with a wonderful, gentle dreamy quality. at first i didn't like the word "golden" in the closing line of each stanza, but i kinda like it now, lol. one more thing, on elyse's comment about "leaf of grass"... i think it's fine, you're not "stealing" at all, i don't think. did you intend an allusion to whitman here? just curious. thanks for sharing it with us! jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-02-2000).] |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
To Elyse and Jenni~ Thanks for reading and commenting. I had this wonderful dream Saturday night that I was a blade of grass, and I consciously tried to remember it. While taking a walk I started thinking about Whitman. Perhaps that was how he'd felt? (That all humans were like blades of grass looking up to the sun.) To make a long story short, I wrote this out as soon as I got home. Somehow the meter and verb tense seemed to make sense as I was walking. But I'll "tweak" it a little when I've got a bit more time. Thanks again, bboog |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
bboog I found the uneven meter to be rather pleasing,sort of looking at an open field.Nature is asymmetric as is love.Only problem is "leaf of grass" (to me) sounds kinda brash,and not with the overall feel of the poem.Just my opinion,good read. tom sticks and stones may break my bones,only if you hit me. |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I think the leaf of grass thing works okay. To dream of being a leaf of grass--wow! wanna trade dreams? I thought the poem was beautiful. [This message has been edited by Kirk T Walker (edited 05-03-2000).] |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
To Tom and Kirk: Thanks for reading and commenting. I changed the title thanks to Kirk's suggestion. Yeah, "golden showers" came to my mind, and I could go there but I don't want to. As for my screen log-in name, there is a baseball nut out in cyberland named "Boog" who used to harrass me because he found out that I signed my name "boog" to various posts. (Boog is my last name, however Boog is also his childhood nickname so he believes he owns it.) Anyway, I suppose I could sign things "bob" or "bob b" but I've been using bboog for a couple of years now and it hasn't bothered him. best regards, bboog |
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camellia New Member
since 2000-05-03
Posts 5 |
this poem made me think of spring, and all the stuff you assocaite with it. the green grass, the sun, and love. i liked this very much. camellia |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Nice simple imagery and pleasing to read. I vote for leaf of grass. Botanically correct and whats the alternative a blade of grass. Thanks for sharing. forrest |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
To Forrest and Camellia: Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. I appreciate your comments. best regards, bboog |
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