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Midnight Echoes (please critique)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Midnight Echoes (please critique) |
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caroline Senior Member
since 1999-08-16
Posts 1218http://members.xoom.com/belladona123/index.htm |
Midnight Echo I still look at your picture on the wall... I never could take it down even after I knew you were gone. I kept all of your letters to me bound in a velvet ribbon… the same sweet softness you had in your eyes when you looked at me each evening when we shared our experiences of the day. I keep the recording I have of your voice on the answering machine. I listen to it tell me you love me and that you'll be home soon… The waiting is over but you didn't come back even though there were only two days left to cross off on the calendar. I live with your silver chain around my neck, the clasp welded holding the charms that were not charmed though they were your identity. In my dreams I hold you tight against me once more before you leave and remember your kiss… Some nights I still awaken with a scream trapped in my heart, the same one that I heard when they knocked on my door dressed in uniforms the same blue as the midnight that finds me missing you…and they said "we regret to inform you…" Your last I love you echoes through the empty bed while I wait for this war so long past to finally be over that I may rest again in the arms of my soldier. caroline all rights reserved ------------------ The only man worth your tears will never make you cry... |
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| © Copyright 1999 Caroline - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Cannot critique that which was so eloquently stated. ------------------ Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP |
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caroline Senior Member
since 1999-08-16
Posts 1218http://members.xoom.com/belladona123/index.htm |
Ohhh, thank you. I wrote this in response to a photograph of a young widow who was wearing her husband's dog tags 'round her neck. I can never forget her face. I wanted to do her pain some small justice. I hope I have. ------------------ The only man worth your tears will never make you cry... |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I agree that this is very well done and powerfully stated. I might want to change the title and change some of the phrasings: sweet softness -- actually that's the only one as I reread it. Your casual style is a fine contrast to the emotion in the piece. One more thing: it still seems a little too general. What about the individual quirks or idiosyncracies we all have? Why not try to make these two more diverse or special? Again, I enjoyed it very much. |
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caroline Senior Member
since 1999-08-16
Posts 1218http://members.xoom.com/belladona123/index.htm |
Thanks Brad....I had a really hard time with the title. I never was satisfied with it, but couldn't seem to come up with anything else. I didn't want to stray into her idiosyncrasies as I wanted to keep the focus on missing her husband. I felt like more detail would detract from the bare-bones ache one feels when faced with a loss of that magnitude. The original draft was much longer, but I cut it to keep a natural simplicity of lying in bed at night thinking. I really appreciate your comments, it helps immensely! Thanks  ------------------ The only man worth your tears will never make you cry... |
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pen of passion Member
since 1999-08-11
Posts 234 |
Perhaps for a title: Trapped in My Heart. I agree the poem was excellent. |
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caroline Senior Member
since 1999-08-16
Posts 1218http://members.xoom.com/belladona123/index.htm |
An excellent title...I think I will take you up on it! Thanks so much! I was tearing my hair out over the title and I can't afford to lose much more of it!  Consider the title changed.------------------ The only man worth your tears will never make you cry... |
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