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Critical Analysis #1
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Mysterious You (free verse warning)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Mysterious You (free verse warning) |
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mister61 Junior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 41bergen county, nj |
Very much a mystery, you As I'm drunk with the hoarding of clues You throw your barbs and teasing kisses I feign deep wounds and catch your breath Are you clumsily chased or playfully chaste? Am I the hunter, or willing prey in your velvet trap? I leap You retreat but invite pursuit Breezes bridge the sweltering void Never one to accept the silence of unspoken feeling Screaming to whisper intense loving longing, Words cover your tracks in the dark But their imprint needs no light to be [This message has been edited by mister61 (edited 08-20-99).] [This message has been edited by mister61 (edited 08-21-99).] [This message has been edited by mister61 (edited 08-27-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Harris Fleming - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Line two, "hoarding" rather than hording ... I liked this one ... loved the play on words with "chased" and "chaste" ... One question though ... the last line ... they "need no light to be" ... is there a word missing there, like "seen", or am I just missing your point? ------------------ "Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus" (When I hear the bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.") |
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mister61 Junior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 41bergen county, nj |
The last line is a little odd - a sacrifice to rhythm, I guess. What I mean is they need no light to exist. Thank you for posting. [This message has been edited by mister61 (edited 08-21-99).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
No, I think the last line works fine (anybody remember to be or not to be). My problem is that the lines are just too abstract: 'unspoken feeling'; 'loving longing'; and 'sweltering void' are just to vague for my taste. You're telling me about these feelings, not showing me or getting me to feel those feelings. I do have a problem with the syntax in the second line -- if it's free verse, apparently set in the present, why not say it like you would normally say it(or is that how you normally describe yourself?). However, some people really enjoy this type of poetry so what do I know. Thanks, Brad |
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pen of passion Member
since 1999-08-11
Posts 234 |
I like the metaphor of this poem. I had no problem with the last line. But I think Brad is right with those two abstract phrases. |
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caroline Senior Member
since 1999-08-16
Posts 1218http://members.xoom.com/belladona123/index.htm |
I agree...good use of metaphors. I also like the last line. I might try for the second line "I'm drunkenly sorting your clues", and leave out either the word loving or the word longing. Both work, its just that together they stumble against each other...a bit drunkenly perhaps?  Good poem...I like it. ------------------ The only man worth your tears will never make you cry... |
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