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Just Imagine
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Just Imagine |
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netswan Senior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 1369Washington |
Just Imagine warm sun, basking shoulders gaily wading, barely splashing blue water, salty tasting sandy feet, slightly sinking children gaily, building castles colorful sailboats, gently swaying Imagine fishermen reeling shimmering fish filling buckets, busy laughing towels drying, softly flapping sand fleas, jumping nipping green seaweed, gooey slimy kicking beach balls, bouncing shining Imagine turning rocks, crab finding logs rolling, balance trying shovels digging, clams squirting pretending pirates, treasure hunting sea gulls diving, soaring squawking barnacle dodging, rock collecting Just imagine netswan |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
i like this, its different. i wouldnt put the comma after children gaily tho. otherwise its pretty neat =) luv Elyse |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
netswan: I read your reply to Christopher's thread in The Alley and I am genuinely interested in why Critical Analysis has this brutish reputation that fills many hearts with dread with the mere passing thought of subjecting their poetry to the scrutiny of the beasts that lurk in that Critical lair.  Just having fun with you. Yes, we do criticize poetry in this forum in an honest and constructive way but civility is also a goal we strive to achieve. Let's take a look at your poem and then you can tell me what you think about this dreaded place.  I think there are a few things that could improve the flow of your poem immensely (I like the subject matter, by the way). The first concerns your comma placement and the second the flow of the lines from one to the other. There were a few places where the placement of commas confused me, especially when I tried to read a stanza as one, continuous thought. I am going to remove the line breaks and you can see what I mean: "warm sun, basking shoulders gaily wading, barely splashing blue water, salty tasting sandy feet, slightly sinking children gaily, building castles colorful sailboats, gently swaying" You can see that it could appear to the reader that the shoulders are wading, the feet taste salty, and the children are slightly sinking (I figured out what you were trying to say easily enough but the placement of punctuation in some places and the absence of it in others slowed down my reading and caused the flow from line to line to break down a little. "Imagine" I liked the "Imagine" interludes between the stanzas. "fishermen reeling shimmering fish filling buckets, busy laughing towels drying, softly flapping sand fleas, jumping nipping green seaweed, gooey slimy kicking beach balls, bouncing shining" Just an idea that addresses the same difficulties I found with the first stanza. Notice how I try to tie the lines together to improve the movement from one line to the next and help keep the stanza as one, complete idea mulling around in the imagination. "Lauging fisherman reeling, filling buckets with softly flapping shimmering fish and goey slimy seaweed as jumping sand fleas nipping feet kicking bouncing, shining beach balls" Just a suggestion. turning rocks, crab finding logs rolling, balance trying shovels digging, clams squirting pretending pirates, treasure hunting sea gulls diving, soaring squawking barnacle dodging, rock collecting Another suggestion: "Turning rocks, finding crabs trying balance on rolling logs shovels digging for squirting clams as pretending pirates hunting treasure witness soaring, diving, squawking sea gulls" I had a little trouble working barnacle dodging and rock collecting into the stanza but I think you can get the idea. I think you have a very workable poem here that just requires a little bit of tweaking to strengthen its flow from stanza to stanza. In my opinion, one that flow is strenghtened, your choice of images comes to life, becoming a moving picture rather than a collection of snapshots. I hope you found this relatively painless. The poets in this forum sincerely care about the poetry AND the poets and only offer their honest opinions to help better both. Thanks for braving the lion's den, netswan. I hope you return soon. Jim |
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netswan Senior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 1369Washington |
LOL Jim, okay I braved the lion den, and put this poem in as I wrote this years ago, or one like it. Then the one that I was so proud of burned in my house fire along with several novels __THAT unbrave me, never submitted to publishers (sigh) so were lost forever. I could not make this one work and I tried and tried ----to remember my original That is why I chose this one to be hammered on, as I never felt it was a good as it should have been. I had quit writing for 6 months, and swore I would never ever pick up a pen again. But, alas, am afraid, writing is in my blood. Now have three novels with an agent --) I have written poetry for years, yet, have never had a lesson in poetry --) So now am learning all kinds of names of things, and what is expected in poetry. Jim, thanks so much for your in depth feeling about this poem. I will copy your thoughts and sometime this week I will look at it with 'dry' eyes, hehee. by the way, when I first revised this, there wasn't a single comma in it --) Elyse, thanks for you comment. Don't know why that comma is sitting in such a strange place --) Thanks again, netswan |
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