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netswan
Senior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 1369
Washington

0 posted 2000-04-30 04:45 AM


Just Imagine

warm sun, basking shoulders
gaily wading, barely splashing
blue water, salty tasting
sandy feet, slightly sinking
children gaily, building castles
colorful sailboats, gently swaying

Imagine

fishermen reeling shimmering fish
filling buckets, busy laughing
towels drying, softly flapping
sand fleas, jumping nipping
green seaweed, gooey slimy
kicking beach balls, bouncing shining

Imagine

turning rocks, crab finding
logs rolling, balance trying
shovels digging, clams squirting
pretending pirates, treasure hunting
sea gulls diving, soaring squawking
barnacle dodging, rock collecting


Just imagine

netswan

© Copyright 2000 Teresa King - All Rights Reserved
Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
1 posted 2000-04-30 02:18 PM


i like this, its different.  i wouldnt put the comma after children gaily tho.  otherwise its pretty neat =)
luv Elyse

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
2 posted 2000-04-30 09:27 PM


netswan:

I read your reply to Christopher's thread in The Alley and I am genuinely interested in why Critical Analysis has this brutish reputation that fills many hearts with dread with the mere passing thought of subjecting their poetry to the scrutiny of the beasts that lurk in that Critical lair.    Just having fun with you.  

Yes, we do criticize poetry in this forum in an honest and constructive way but civility is also a goal we strive to achieve.  Let's take a look at your poem and then you can tell me what you think about this dreaded place.    

I think there are a few things that could improve the flow of your poem immensely (I like the subject matter, by the way).  The first concerns your comma placement and the second the flow of the lines from one to the other.

There were a few places where the placement of commas confused me, especially when I tried to read a stanza as one, continuous thought.  I am going to remove the line breaks and you can see what I mean:

"warm sun, basking shoulders gaily wading, barely splashing blue water, salty tasting sandy feet, slightly sinking children gaily, building castles colorful sailboats, gently swaying"

You can see that it could appear to the reader that the shoulders are wading, the feet taste salty, and the children are slightly sinking (I figured out what you were trying to say easily enough but the placement of punctuation in some places and the absence of it in others slowed down my reading and caused the flow from line to line to break down a little.

"Imagine"

I liked the "Imagine" interludes between the stanzas.  

"fishermen reeling shimmering fish
filling buckets, busy laughing
towels drying, softly flapping
sand fleas, jumping nipping
green seaweed, gooey slimy
kicking beach balls, bouncing shining"

Just an idea that addresses the same difficulties I found with the first stanza.  Notice how I try to tie the lines together to improve the movement from one line to the next and help keep the stanza as one, complete idea mulling around in the imagination.

"Lauging fisherman reeling, filling buckets
with softly flapping shimmering fish
and goey slimy seaweed
as jumping sand fleas nipping feet
kicking bouncing, shining beach balls"

Just a suggestion.

turning rocks, crab finding
logs rolling, balance trying
shovels digging, clams squirting
pretending pirates, treasure hunting
sea gulls diving, soaring squawking
barnacle dodging, rock collecting

Another suggestion:

"Turning rocks, finding crabs
trying balance on rolling logs
shovels digging for squirting clams
as pretending pirates hunting treasure
witness soaring, diving, squawking sea gulls"

I had a little trouble working barnacle dodging and rock collecting into the stanza but I think you can get the idea.

I think you have a very workable poem here that just requires a little bit of tweaking to strengthen its flow from stanza to stanza.  In my opinion, one that flow is strenghtened, your choice of images comes to life, becoming a moving picture rather than a collection of snapshots.

I hope you found this relatively painless.  The poets in this forum sincerely care about the poetry AND the poets and only offer their honest opinions to help better both.  Thanks for braving the lion's den, netswan.  I hope you return soon.

Jim


netswan
Senior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 1369
Washington
3 posted 2000-04-30 09:53 PM


LOL Jim, okay I braved the lion den, and put
this poem in as I wrote this years ago,
or one like it. Then the one that I was
so proud of burned in my house fire along
with several novels __THAT unbrave me,
never submitted to publishers (sigh)
so were lost forever.

I could not make this one work and I tried
and tried ----to remember my original

That is why I chose this one to be hammered
on, as I never felt it was a good as
it should have been.

I had quit writing for 6 months, and swore
I would never ever pick up a pen again.

But, alas, am afraid, writing is in my blood.
Now have three novels with an agent --)

I have written poetry for years, yet,
have never had a lesson in poetry --)

So now am learning all kinds of names of
things, and what is expected in poetry.

Jim, thanks so much for your in depth
feeling about this poem.  I will copy your
thoughts and sometime this week I will
look at it with 'dry' eyes, hehee.

by the way, when I first revised this, there
wasn't a single comma in it --)

Elyse, thanks for you comment. Don't know
why that comma is sitting in such a strange
place --)

Thanks again,

netswan

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