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Mind Tracings
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Mind Tracings |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
I explored soft touched mind played in smooth the lines traced single finger still lingering holding on by mere surface friction to the feel… the casual brush Tingles… Mingling times placing with anticipations Palpitating beat Hurry…. Slowly…. Languishing Quickly… Urging. Exploring Uniquely [This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (edited 08-17-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Cpat Hair - All Rights Reserved | |||
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
I quite liked this, very sensual. I do wonder whether the word "mind" should be in the second line, it is in the title, so for me you have already established I explored soft touched mind played in smooth the lines traced single finger still lingering holding on by mere surface friction to the feel… the casual brush Tingles… I quite liked this, very sensual. I do wonder whether the word "mind" should be in the second line, it is in the title, so for me you have already established the whole "mind" tracing image. It seems like a repeat, maybe a bolder image This is only a suggestion: "soft touched ideology" " holding on by mere surface friction to the feel…" reading this aloud "to the feel" sounds kind of awkward, "to feel" seems to flow better, for me at least, and runs smoothly into " the casual brush" I really liked the rhythms in the next few lines, very nice they just dance off the tongue. " Mingling times placing with anticipations Palpitating beat Hurry…. Slowly…. Languishing Quickly… Urging. Exploring Uniquely" Very nice. Cpat over all I really enjoyed this poem The latter half is especially good. shadows flicker sweet end tame |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I think I found the line breaks too distracting. There seemed to be no reason for the short lines except just to be short. It just breaks up the flow too much for me. Sorry but that's all the impression I get this time. Pete |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Not A Poet: Thanks... the line breaks were intended to help break the thoughts and slow down the read..giving pause perhaps in places we might normally just read straight on. If they are distracting, it is in part because they were so intended... but if annoying..well that is another story entirely and not the purpose at all.. citizenx: Appreciate the insights... and I agree.. overkill in using Mind again..and it could be constructed using another word... to the feel... yes again I agree... do appreciate the comments and the insights... |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I found this to be an interesting allegory to masturbation... maybe I'm not even in the ballpark, but that's what I got from it. (Umm.... I can say masturbation in a public forum, right? Hope so...) I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well Hush, I guess you can say it but if your mother hears you she might wash your mouth out with soap  CPat, I did say distracting and not annoying  Pete |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
(laughing) Masterbation huh??? Well now..there is a meaning I hadn't thought of when writing it.. Interesting what people see and think when reading words... Thanks for the comment!! Distracting I can live with... most of my verse is short lined and your point is well taken..are they simply to be short lined..or is there indeed a purpose...and is that purpose effective... I write like I think..which may not be a good thing as the thought process of each person varies... I jump at times..from one thought to the next knowing the connection inside and perhaps expecting everyone else to know as well.... this creates short lines of thought and image in my head.. that may not translate well to written form... you gave me much to think on... and it is appreciated.... Thanks to both of you!! |
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Decaflame Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635 |
Employing citizenx's comments is a good thing.... overall, the trickle-down effect of your style leaves a great impact on the immediate feel of your pennings, which I enjoy a great deal.... write on! |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Thanks Deca... appreciate your comments... and your taking the time to make them. |
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svandersaar Junior Member
since 2001-01-15
Posts 40 |
This is too stratified for “block quotes”, so I’m going to italicize my comments… I explored soft touched mind “I explored” and “soft touched” (which should be soft-touched) are so obvious… play with these, turn the simple into the extraordinary  .played in smooth nice… the lines traced single finger I do not like “single finger” alone… perhaps a single finger? Something is missing, you need to determine what. still lingering blasé again holding on by mere surface friction to the feel… lovely. the casual brush cliché Tingles… this COULD stay with the right lines to cushion it Mingling times placing with anticipations Erk. Confusing tense. “Mingling times placing”??? Palpitating beat cliché and redundant Hurry…. Slowly…. How often have I seen this contradiction used? You must find, AT LEAST, more original words. Languishing A pause, a relief almost to the previous feel… good. Quickly… ~shaking head~ No. We can do better than this. Urging. Exploring Uniquely ~~~~ I’m surprised by your word choices, Cpat. So often your verses slide with almost obscurity, and that’s a good thing. Here, you seem to be slipping. The terminology, the phrasing, the feel… all could be plucked from a dozen verses writing about the same subject; I don’t see a unique view presented whatsoever… The theme is one that is borderline overused, and so the approach needs to be unexpected. My advice would be to start over (and visualize masturbation LOL, that could be the angle you need), then work in the few distinctive lines later or save them for another piece. [This message has been edited by svandersaar (edited 08-20-2001).] |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
svandersaar : I can see you took some time..and for the most part did not like this effort...I appreciate your comments..and thoughts. I will consider the ideas and either start over..or indeed just scrap this as you suggest. Thanks |
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