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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium 
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As I step into the New World, Unsure, anxious and puzzled. As I take a few more strides Legs shaking, Confidence subsides. As I let my instincts give in, Momentarily lost yet no pain. As I feel surprised and bewildered, Wondering if this is all for bread! -----written on the first day at work---< !signature--> Take each day as it comes, Consider each day as a flight, Try hard to succeed and fly, Surely then you will reach some height. But if by some chance you don’t, Remember that tomorrow will always come. Learn this well and learn this hard That today’s efforts will pay for tomorrow’s fun. A Crazy Monster, a.k.a Ski [This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 04-28-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Sudhir Iyer - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Sudhir: LOL. I'm going to have to say that you've captured New-Job-Anxiety-Syndrom very well. I think you may want to change the last line to something like "Wondering if all this is for bread" because I think "whether" implies a "whether/or" idea (I was looking for the "or" part). Nice work and welcome to Critical Analysis. Jim |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi Sudhir! i only have a tiny suggestion, and that is to do something different than "as" at the begining of each stanza. you say as all the way through, and its like, ok, so as this is happening, what else happend, you know? its kinda like youre leaving us hanging. so, you might could take out the "as"-es all together, or just off the last stanza or somethin. nice job though. (i keep forgetting to say that first!  )luv Elyse |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi Sudhir! i only have a tiny suggestion, and that is to do something different than "as" at the begining of each stanza. you say as all the way through, and its like, ok, so as this is happening, what else happend, you know? its kinda like youre leaving us hanging. so, you might could take out the "as"-es all together, or just off the last stanza or somethin. nice job though. (i keep forgetting to say that first! )luv Elyse |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi Sudhir! i only have a tiny suggestion, and that is to do something different than "as" at the begining of each stanza. you say as all the way through, and its like, ok, so as this is happening, what else happend, you know? its kinda like youre leaving us hanging. so, you might could take out the "as"-es all together, or just off the last stanza or somethin. nice job though. (i keep forgetting to say that first! )luv Elyse |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
whoa! sorry bout that  [This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 04-28-2000).] |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Thanks for your comments friends. Jim, I think you are right about the last one. I think I will change the last line to "Wondering if this is all for bread!". What do you think about this then? Elyse, I see I could create the aura of incompleteness. I think that is what I wanted it to be. Leave readers hanging so that it is ringing again and again. In each stanza, there is a hidden line like (Curiously trembling) "As I step into the new world" ..... I hope that you agree with my view point. The "As " in the last stanza, I just put there for continuity, I think. This was long back, and giving any justification and explanation now seems vague. But I really appreciate your comments(both of you). Thanks - Sudhir |
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