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Mountain
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Mountain |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
ALTERNATE VERSION, AFTER READING VARIOUS RESPONSES Foothills clawing out miles into the desert, Muscled ridges bunching up to cloud-high shoulders, Haughty sphinx head flung fiercely up to heaven, Here I am, Mountain frowns, and here I shall remain, You must come to me. THE ORIGINAL Foothills clawing out miles into the lowlands, Muscled ridges bunching up to cloud-high shoulders, Rough sphinx head flung proudly up to the heavens, Here I am, Mountain says, and here I shall remain, You must come to me. MORE COMMENTS WELCOME [This message has been edited by Ted Reynolds (edited 04-27-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Ted Reynolds - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Ted: I liked the use of metaphor/personification here. The sphinx head seemed a little out of place but I can't decide if I think so because I think of dunes rather than mountains when I think of the Sphinx or if it is the sound of the word "sphinx" that just doesn't sound right to me. I guess the stone sphinx is consistent with the mountain metaphor but it still seems a little off to me. Could just be me. You may want to think about some other, albeit lesser known, giants such as the Collossus of Rhodes (too bad that one is gone) with a name that is more suggestive of immovability. Just a suggestion. I suppose I took up a lot of space mulling over my thoughts about the sphinx but I don't want to hit [SUBMIT REPLY] until I mention how much I liked the defiant tone of this. I really liked the last two lines. Good work, Ted. Jim |
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revolution Junior Member
since 2000-04-17
Posts 20atlanta, GA, USA |
i just love the imagery you have here, ted... quite a powerful poem. now, i take issue with the sphinx, but for a different reason. the sphinx as we know it is a man-made creation really demonstration the domination of man over stones (unless you meant the mythological sphinx, in which case disregard what i'm about to say, but you might consider making it more clear which one you meant). this poem seems to be about nature's impassivity and the superiority of stones to man--so the sphinx, as an image, seems counterproductive to your point. i'd use an image from nature instead. The land sustaining us seemed to hold firm Only when we embraced it in extremis. All I believe happened there was vision. --Seamus Heaney |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
yeah, i agree with Jim, when i hear sphinx i think sand, and the rest of the poem feels so green and lush. only thing: maybe you could try something more vivid than says. but i think you'd wanna keep it one sylable(how DO you spell that?) but i love what youre saying. compact and cool. thumbs up from me  luv Elyse |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
Ted I'm also unsure of the sphinx,it adds a man made thing to it.This poem depicts strength and power,unless the last phrase is a plea.Let me know.I did enjoy this tom I dreamed I was a dreamer in a dream |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
First of all, I like your poem very much.  Sorry guys, I disagree with all of you.  When I read "sphinx" I got a feeling of 'grandeur', 'watching out over the world' and it didn't disturb me for a second. Just my two cents. |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Thanks. All five of you are really helping. If you saw the Western mountain I had in mind, you'd all think "sphinx," believe me. And it's surrounded by sand, too. I wanted the image that Munda saw. But if four out of five don't see it, I might revise. My original word was "leonine," how does that grab you guys? (Don't see how I can please both Jim and Revolution on this.) Elyse is right about "says," and I do want only one syllable. I could say "roars" or "growls," (I won't consider "squeaks,") but I want communication without sound. Any ideas, anyone? |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Ted: I've seen the western side of the Rockies and the high desert side of the mountains in California and would agree with you that "squinx" would be a fitting word. You may want to solidify the arid surroundings. What immediately was brought to my mind was the eastern side of the Rockies with thick evergreens creeping up to the end of the tree line. That said, I think the "sphinx" word is worth keeping but I think, as far as sound is concerned, "rough" steals the thunder. Maybe try: "The proud sphinx head set defiant against the heavens ..." Liked this one, Ted. Thanks again. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 04-26-2000).] |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
I liked this poem and ate it in one bite. I think if this mountain was a person it would be a Charles Bronson type. When I saw sphinx I thought ancient (without pondering it) and after thinking saw it as a symbol of power. |
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revolution Junior Member
since 2000-04-17
Posts 20atlanta, GA, USA |
heheh... well, "leonine" satisfies me, because a lion is a part of nature--except that it's three syllables where i think one would work better. how about "lion's"? i wish i HAD seen the mountain in question--i'm sure it's spectacular. (sittin' over here in very UNmountainous atlanta  )[This message has been edited by revolution (edited 04-26-2000).] |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Well, I still don't think I can satisfy everybody (and why should I want to?) but here goes with a revised version. |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Oh dear, trying to make it difficult for me huh ? I do like your alternate version, but liking the original (even with the 'says') immediately after the first time I read it.....I can't make a choice. Imho, they are both very good, although I'm sure Jim will disagree and like your alternate version better.  |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Munda: You know I always go out of my way to disagree with you! Just kidding, of course. Ted: I do like the revised version better. I liked "says" better than "frowned", btw ... I think a mountain is big enough to simply "say" something "is" for it to "be". But you are right that you shouldn't try to satisfy anybody but yourself ... maybe that is why I hate all of my writing. Again, Ted, a great job here.Jim |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
ted-- i like this piece alot. i'm glad you kept the sphinx, lol. i like the way the sphinx image is reinforced by the preceding two lines, btw, the foothills clawing and muscled ridges bunching, just like the paws and shoulders of the egyptian sphinx; nice touch there. one thing that bothers me, though, even in the revised version? the third line seems a little awkward, especially when read out loud, and the "up to heaven" so soon after "up to cloud-high shoulders" of the previous line seems needlessly repetitive. perhaps "haughty sphinx head flung fiercely to the heavens" ? i don't know. (actually, i kind of like the original "rough" there in that line instead of "haughty".) and i agree with jim about the mountain "says", i thought that was great in the first version. i don't think the word "says" necessarily implies communication with sound, if that's your concern, and i think it might work better with what you have going on in those last two lines. anyway, nice poem, ted, thanks for sharing it with us. jenni |
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