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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
your eyes open with anticipation curtains drawn, a night begins warm breath on a cool face fogs the days events like a window to yesterday now attention, just for two souls intertwine, melt, become one and though your eyes can no longer control their motion I know I am here with you then for a brief moment together our time stands still within the silence of the night eyes closed,the half smile on your face speaks volumes and outside these four walls nothing else matters I dreamed I was a dreamer in a dream [This message has been edited by tom (edited 04-25-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Tom Walborn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Nice love poem. Well written with nice flow and sructure to my eyes. Who ever she is hang on to her. |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
Forrest Cain Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my poem,a pleasant reply is allways good to hear.She lets me belive I have a very tight hold on her so she won't let me let her her go. I dreamed I was a dreamer in a dream |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Tom~ As one who likes these kinds of poems, I agree with Forrest. Nice poem. I would probably clip the "through" in "through the silence of the night" and maybe make the word "one" a one word line. Also suggest that you delete the last line. But it's your call. best regards, bboog |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Tom: I agree with the others that this is well written and I think this works well for me. Phrases like "souls intertwine, melt / become one" and "our time stands still / through the silence of the night" and "speaks volumes" might be considered by some to be a little bit cliched but considering the relative novelty of the rest of the wording in the poem, this worked for me. I'm with Bob on the last line and with Forrest that you should hang onto a woman who can make you write things like this.  Nice work, Tom.Jim |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
bboog and jbouder Thanks guys,I appreciate your advice and changed a few things.The four walls line I think adds intimacy and should be left in,though I did move it.Let me know what you think. bboog I owe you an apology,you commented on my "fade from zero" poem,the last time I saw it there was 1 reply(yours). I didn't have time to reply at that time.When I got back it was off the main page and I forgot about it.Sorry,I didn't mean it.And as I an on cold medicine now you'll have to explain the cookie thing to me some other time. sorry man ps she ain't goin nowere thanks guys tom < !signature--> I dreamed I was a dreamer in a dream [This message has been edited by tom (edited 04-25-2000).] |
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