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Critical Analysis #1
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tom
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90
s/w penna u.s.a.

0 posted 2000-04-23 10:45 PM



your eyes open
with anticipation
curtains drawn, a night begins
warm breath on a cool face
fogs the days events like a window to yesterday
now attention, just for two
souls intertwine, melt, become
one
and though
your eyes can no longer control their motion
I know
I am
here with you
then for a brief moment
together
our time stands still
within the silence of the night
eyes closed,the half smile on your face
speaks volumes
and outside these four walls
nothing else matters

< !signature-->

 I dreamed I was a dreamer in a dream




[This message has been edited by tom (edited 04-25-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Tom Walborn - All Rights Reserved
Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
1 posted 2000-04-23 11:57 PM


Nice love poem. Well written with nice flow
and sructure to my eyes. Who ever she is
hang on to her.



tom
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90
s/w penna u.s.a.
2 posted 2000-04-25 11:23 AM


Forrest Cain
Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my poem,a pleasant reply is allways good to hear.She lets me belive I have a very tight hold on her so she won't let me let her her go.

 I dreamed I was a dreamer in a dream



bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
3 posted 2000-04-25 04:47 PM


Tom~
  As one who likes these kinds of poems, I agree with Forrest. Nice poem. I would probably clip the "through" in
"through the silence of the night"
and maybe make the word "one" a one word line. Also suggest that you delete the last line. But it's your call.
best regards,
bboog
  

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
4 posted 2000-04-25 05:04 PM


Tom:

I agree with the others that this is well written and I think this works well for me.  Phrases like "souls intertwine, melt / become one" and "our time stands still / through the silence of the night" and "speaks volumes" might be considered by some to be a little bit cliched but considering the relative novelty of the rest of the wording in the poem, this worked for me.

I'm with Bob on the last line and with Forrest that you should hang onto a woman who can make you write things like this.    Nice work, Tom.

Jim


tom
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90
s/w penna u.s.a.
5 posted 2000-04-25 11:41 PM


bboog and jbouder
Thanks guys,I appreciate your advice and changed a few things.The four walls line
I think adds intimacy and should be left in,though I did move it.Let me know what you think.

bboog
I owe you an apology,you commented on my "fade from zero" poem,the last time I saw it there was 1 reply(yours). I didn't have time to reply at that time.When I got back it was off the main page and I forgot about it.Sorry,I didn't mean it.And as I an on cold medicine now you'll have to explain the cookie thing to me some other time.
sorry man

ps she ain't goin nowere

thanks guys

tom
< !signature-->

 I dreamed I was a dreamer in a dream




[This message has been edited by tom (edited 04-25-2000).]

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