navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » untitled(sugg. welcome)
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic untitled(sugg. welcome) Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Tony Di Bart
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160
Toronto, Canada

0 posted 2000-04-21 05:06 PM




Death is warmth for destitute
a womb for the afflicted
Satiated minds,
possessed by a minefield of voices
like a buzzing hive of drones
they serve chemical secretions
from a queen they have not seen,
they all seek my brother and only find
rubber rooms.

I, deaths wicked brother
doth hold them here.
They beg of me,
plead like lost lambs
for the familiarity of their mothers nipple
yet I hold them
closer, warmer, nearer to my soul.

I was born a fruit, from fruit.
Neglected by my parents,
shunned the second I was created
Outcast, to wander, seek and find my home
My brothers and sisters you know them well
Birth and death
friend or foe
depending on what you believe

My sister,
is blessed among the women of your tribe.
Revered for gifts she bestows
potentials unleashed from a cell
exploding across time
like a drop of ink in an ocean of probabilities

My brother,
doth smile his wicked smile
and the pharaohs loved him so.
He is the mystery of my sister

I curse the day I was created
I cannot leave, there is no end for me
All I know is now.
now, this lonely now.
that now that never leaves.
The world runs from me
like rats from a fire
scrambling, screaching
for a cesspool to save their souls

An aids patient in a hospital
who lived 5 years to long
caresses me like a child would it’s mother
The dying children in Africa
who have seen no rain since they were born
who know no food and only hunger
and thirst for something they know not of
they, they know me
they hate me.
A banker in New York
he knows me too
Yet chooses to face my brother
on ledge 52 stories up.

I have given you hope, love
Joy and satisfaction.
I have sacrificed all that I am
poured every atom of every thought
into the moments that make up your life
Hoping that one man, one leader
would end it all for me
the Buddha, Ghandi, Mohammed, Jesus,
they all knew me and let me be
I have realized my home
It is a transient place
My home is your life.  



 Death makes angels of us all
and gives us wings
where we had shoulders
smooth as raven claws

Jim Morrison


© Copyright 2000 Anthony Di Bartolomeo - All Rights Reserved
Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
1 posted 2000-04-21 08:10 PM


Hi Tony!  i think you have some really great stuff going on here.  for a title (you did ask for sugestions for a title, didnt you?) i would suggest "My name is called Life" or somethin like that.  if you use that tho, you mgith wanna tweak a few lines.  maybe you could tighten up a little, like maybe combine stanzas 1 & 2 - their ideas, you know.  i really dig the next 3 stanzas, but i would cut the line "depending on what you beleive"  I dunno, it just rubs me wrong.  to be a little picky, AIDS ought to be capitalized, and i wouldnt say 52 stories up, i think maybe thats too many sylables.  try 50 or 20 or somethin with 2 slables.  i think that works beter for flow.  and then, of course, if you use my title, you would wanna tweak the lines in the last stanza where you use the word life.  boy did i ramble on.  dont hate me  
luv Elyse

Tony Di Bart
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160
Toronto, Canada
2 posted 2000-04-21 08:55 PM


Thanks Elyse

No you did not ramble.  Thanks for the title suggestion.  I want a title that does not hint at what the poem is about.  The poem is about life but I actually wanted to personify a particular aspect of life.  I tried to slowly drop clues about the charatcter of the poem.  Thanks for all your comment.

See Ya


 Death makes angels of us all
and gives us wings
where we had shoulders
smooth as raven claws

Jim Morrison


Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » untitled(sugg. welcome)

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary