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Critical Mass
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Critical Mass |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Like the drifting snowflakes Falling without sound, Piling in soft thousands Smooth and white and round, Until the overburdened bough comes crashing to the ground. Like the fading embers From the lightning stroke Striving to remain alive All night beneath the oak, Until the wind of morning covers miles with flame and smoke. Like the little pokes and prods Of subtle provocation Given by disdain and pride To a weaker nation, Until demonic war erupts to all lands' consternation. So within our spirit Hidden things congeal, Grow and fester inwards -- Then without appeal Strike those we love and those we hate and spread beyond repeal. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Ted Reynolds - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Ted, Just happened to catch this one as you were posting. I've read it quickly and have to get back to work for a while. So I won't try to comment too much at this time as a quick reading assures me that it is much too deep for a quick critique. I can say though that even without trying to analyze the content much, it flows very well. I was also very impressed with your rhyme scheme, particulatly that TRIPLE  in the third stanza.A preliminary Well Done. I'll come back after making a buck to try to find something wrong  Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Thanks, Pete. I can't take credit for the rhyme scheme. I stole it from Shelley's "Ode to a Skylark." I'll look forward to your further comments. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
OK, for what it's worth I'm up to giving it another try. But for some unknown reason I really can't come up with the words today. Your imagery of the tree is exquisite. The weight of the snowflakes building until the branch fails is near perfect. Then the small but growing ember burning the forest builds strongly on this image. Then the final building of little "pokes and prods" into international war. Man this is strong stuff. The final stroke, however, was the closing stanza. It brings the whole thing together and finally informs us what your underlying message really is. Our own human nature, our inability or unwillingness to deal with small inner crises until they become major hurdles. Our inate tendency to let those little things build out of control. I don't know how you could improve on this one Ted. I mean, there are a couple of places I might add a meaningless word just to get another syllable for flow (and, yet, etc.) but it really doesn't need it. Well, I guess you can tell I like this one a lot. Pete |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Ted~ I liked the imagery that you employed. My suggestion would be to lose the "likes" and the "so" and let us draw our own conclusions. You may need to add a word or two, but here's an example. Currently it reads, Like the drifting snowflakes Falling without sound, Piling in soft thousands... Changed would read, Little drifting snowflakes Falling without sound, Piling in soft thousands... Next stanza currently reads, Like the fading embers From the lightning stroke changed would read< Tiny fading embers From the lightning stroke... I think you get the picture. Again, it's only a suggestion, you are the author, not me. best regards, bboog |
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Gonzalo Junior Member
since 2000-04-08
Posts 44MI |
Very profound. This illustrates the genesis of every word I wish I wouldn't have said. |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
Ted Was it on purpose the second and third stanzas are in that order? It seems your trying to build up to a climatic end, but the third stanza is cooler then the second. With the exception of the last line of the third stanza I think it should be second,and the second ,third.See what I mean? Any I liked what the poem had to say,and the choice of words used to say it. Good read tom |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Thank you all. I see what you mean, both bboog, with my head, but don't quite feel it with my heart. I strung the verses on that chain of "like"s, and somehow it seems ungrateful to kick them out now they've helped me so. I'll consider this further. War *should* be shown as more devastating than fire, Tom; maybe I can find a way to strengthen the third stanza rather than to move it earlier. (He scratches his head in perplexity.) Thanks again. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
With all due regard to Tom, I really think you got them in the perfect order as they are. War is certainly more devastating than fire. I thought you did an outstanding job of building the tension and importance in this one throughout. And I also agree with you on the string of likes. I think they add to this one. (Sorry Tom but that's how I see it.) Pete |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
Ted The title" Critical Mass" implies a sequence of events that must take place in order for the event (war)to happen.My view is you have pressure, ignition, than provocation. It should read pressure, provocation, than ignition to war.This is my opinion, maybe I'm being too mechanical. Not A Poet No offence taken,we are all adults here. Most of the reason I post here is because I want honest views,not nessacerley what I want to hear. When I reply,I just call it the way I see it tom |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Ted, I think Tom makes a lot of sense. The logical order is for people to strike out first and then war happens. Or perhaps delete the war stanza completely? Also, these lines seem a little lite: Given by disdain and pride To a weaker nation, Perhaps, Given by disdain and pride Power can control a nation, In other words, it seems to me now that this poem is really about power. The limb breaks due to the power of the snow. The power of the wind causes the fire to start and spread. The use of power can cause internal/external problems with those we love/hate and can ultimately ignite wars. (The climatic ending as Tom suggested.) Just a thought. bboog |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Tom's ideas are very interesting, but I think that's a different poem. To follow through with Tom and bboog's suggestions, I might do better to start over again. |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
no no, dont do that. i love it the way it is except (and you knew there would be an except didn't you?) maybe the third stanza is lacking a little in the strong imagery of the previous ones. that's all i would suggest =) luv Elyse if poems were currency, we poets would still be poor. for any fool can string up lines that rhyme, but it takes a poet to trap meaning between them. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Ted, Guess I better jump in here one more time to express my sentiments. I'm glad Elyse sided with me on this one. I think you did an exquisite job of building metaphorically through the first 3 stanzas. Then you summarize and bring the whole thing to personal terms in the final. In short, I think the arrangement is perfect as it is. Please do not reorder anything. Well, that's my opinion, again, for what it's worth. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Thanks a lot, Elyse and Pete, but I wasn't being very clear. I'm certainly not going to scrap this poem, it's a keeper. I just meant that what Tom and bboog suggested would be *another* poem, with different concepts and methods, which I would have to do from scratch. I might do it sometime, I haven't decided. But it wouldn't be much like this one. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
i love this poem from you....it tells perfectly how uncaring,callous people are to the world around them until these little things build up and BOOM!!! explode....  ") sorry for being so rude(as i have done the disappearing act for such a while) but i have been hanging at the corner pub(incidentally all my posts there are haiku,tanka or senyru)...being an greenhorn, i find the critcal analysis a bit too profound....  do stop if u have the time |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Sorry I'm so late, Ted...I apologize. This is a very nice piece of work, and, as someone else already put it, very profound. The only line I didn't care for is "Smooth and white and round,". I can't even really say why...it just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. I love this format...I read "Ode to a Lark" one evening, and wrote a poem using the format the next day. Very good work, Ted, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
In my humble opinion, this is a masterpiece. The imagery of the snow....quiet, in thousands, and I love "smooth and white and round" because it adds simplicity but it speaks so loudly still. then the next four lines, the embers waiting...waiting for something to stir rich in imagery again... then we go from nature, to reality, and war is a perfect word....then to ourselves....describing how emotions spread..it's absolutely exquisite... Kathleen |
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