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A Simple Thank You, My Friend
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Simple Thank You, My Friend |
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Karina New Member
since 2000-04-19
Posts 4 |
Into the dim lit, bare walls of my world, You entered, bringing light and life to me, The vivid colors, painted with a swirl Of wit and charm, of personality, With tender care, you added comfort, warmth, And images that line the now bright walls. I look upon them fondly, bringing forth A thankfulness that you walk in these halls With me; our friendship has become a part Of my world now; it has it's special place, Within my being, life, and in my heart, Your name hangs right beside your smiling face. Rememb'ring just how drab these walls had been, I have to thank you for the light, my friend. Karina |
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| © Copyright 2000 Karina - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Karina (What a beautiful name btw)....~smile~ Welcome to Passions. As the residents here will know (especially Kristine  ) my appearances are few and far between at the moment, so sorry for the brevity of this reply. This however was a poem I just can't pass by without saying how much it touched me. Y'know something, if I had a friend who cared enough to write something as beautiful as that, I guess I'd know they were REALLY a friend .... Thanks for posting this K, hope to see lots more of your stuff ... Philip |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Karina: This is simply beautiful. Your variations to the iambic meter strengthened a message that came across to me as being remarkably sincere. I don't know whether you were conscious of what you were doing with the meter or if you were just writing it "by ear", but, whatever the case, I think this is a wonderful accomplishment. Now for something we call the "slice and dice" in these here parts: "IN-to / the DIM / LIT BARE / WALLS of / my WORLD, you EN- / -tered BRING- / -ing LIGHT / and LIFE / to ME," I think the first line is a strong beginning. Substituting the first iambic foot with a trochee (DA-dum) and replacing the third foot with a spondee (DA-DA) simply grabbed my attention. Question: were you aware of what you were doing, technically, with the meter or were you writing by ear? The regular iambic meter of the second line suggests to me that the meter in the first line was deliberate. Good strong opening. "the VIV- / -id CO- / -lors PAINT- / -ed WITH / a SWIRL of WITH / and CHARM / of PERS- / -on-AL-/ i-TY, with TEN- / -der CARE / you ADD- / -ed COM- / -fort WARMTH / and IM- / a- GES / that LINE / the NOW / BRIGHT WALLS." Good use of enjambment in these lines. Many people tend to end-stop their rhyming lines. I can tell this isn't your first sonnet. (It's a Shakespearean, by the way ... but I suppose you already knew that). "i LOOK / u-PON / them FOND- / -ly BRING- / -ing FORTH a THANK- / -ful-NESS / that you WALK / in these HALLS with ME / our FRIEND- / -ship HAS / be-COME / a PART of my / WORLD now; / it HAS / it's SPEC- / -ial PLACE, with-IN / my BE-/ -ing, LIFE, / and IN / my HEART," I like the slight variation in the meter of Line 8 by replacing three iambic feet (da-DUM) with two anapestic feet (da-da-DUM). It breaks up the metronome effect of strict iambic pentameter (and Kris a/k/a warmhrt says I need to loosen up ... humph!). What is missing in these lines is the usual thematic turn that often occurs in sonnets after Line 8. I suspect (I don't know for certain) that this is a carry-over from the old Italian sonnet form and I am doubtful of its importance in Shakespearean and Spenserian sonnet formats. I stumbled a little bit over the meter in the first two feet of Line 10. I couldn't recognize any of the variations as among the conventional variations of which I am aware and I really don't see how the line's sound benefits from the variation. Any insight into this? "your NAME / hangs RIGHT / be-SIDE / your SMIL- / -ing FACE. re-MEM- / b'ring JUST / how DRAB / these WALL / had BEEN, i HAVE / to THANK / you FOR / the LIGHT, / my FRIEND." A near-rhyming couplet is okay with me. I think Line 13 is stronger than Line 14. I wonder if there is any way to reword the couplet so that the stronger Line is the last line. Just a suggestion. Thanks for the pleasure of the read of this very well written sonnet. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 04-19-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Karina, Let me add my Welcome to Passions. I agree with Philip about the beautiful name. I also agree with him about your poem. It is very touching, a delightful read. I see Jim has already done the slice-n-dice thing so you now know how things work in here. Well, I hope to see much more of your work. Thanks for sharing. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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revolution Junior Member
since 2000-04-17
Posts 20atlanta, GA, USA |
what a simply lovely poem. feeling tears pricking at my lids  . well, critiquing sonnet form is something i haven't done for three years or so, so leaving that for others to do (dang, but do the muscles ever atrophy after awhile!)... i think the final couplet is exquisite... "bringing light and life to me" seems a little said-before to me, but the rest of the poem buoys it up. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hello Karina I don't critique sonnets either, except occasionally in terms of the content, but I did want to welcome you to CA. Good people, good place to learn, Kristine the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Karina~ A beautifully written sonnet. What I liked about it was that the rhymes didn't seem forced and it conveyed a lovely message of friendship. I liked it! best regards, bboog |
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