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Sleep Comes Sweetest Under Stars
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Sleep Comes Sweetest Under Stars |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Sleep Comes Sweetest Under Stars by Kirk T Walker Sleep comes sweetest under stars By scent of driftwood ashes blown With the sounds of cicadas and crickets sung While June’s warm winds set the tone On sandy, pebbled gravel bars. Sleep comes sweetest under stars By forests dim a’ campfire lit With soundless fish swimming in a nearby stream While ripples glow a’ moonlit On sandy, pebbled gravel bars. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Kirk T Walker - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Hello Kirk I'm a lover of syllabic poems and I liked this one, the abcba rhyme was good. The only advice I can think to give is to add another couple of verses, the symmetry would stand out more. Change the third lines to 10 syllables each, it will help the flow, and to perhaps make all the third lines rhyme. I’m not to sure of the a’moonlit and a’campfire lines, but other than that it’s a worth working on. Great surname btw Craig Walker < !signature--> Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. [This message has been edited by Craig (edited 04-16-2000).] |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Kirk~ I think this one would make a good sonnet. You might have to switch the lines around a little but I think it might be worthwhile to do so. If you haven't written one yet, there are a couple of people here who could probably give you some good advice. best regards, bboog |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
and i think it might work better as a villanelle. i dunno, it seems to me like the sandy pebbled bars line breaks the flow of the first stanza a little. but the repetition is nice, and so is the image. plus, since all the other lines rhyme it seems like a prime candidate for a villanelle. just a thought. i love all of your images, especailly the scent of driftwood ashes. god i love that smell =) luv Elyse |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kirk: Actually, I was thinking this might make an excellent couple of tanka before reading the other responses. A sonnet, a villanelle, and now interlinked tankas ... lol. What does that tell you?  Seriously, Kirk, I liked the pictures this one brought to mind of sleeping under the stars at Sandy Hook years and years ago when I was a boy scout. I know what you are saying with the "a' campfire" and "a' moonlight" lines but I had to read them twice to get the full effect. They may have had an effect on the fluidity of the read but other than those two lines, I have no complaints. Good job, Kirk.Jim |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kirk, After reading this, then the comments (to get my mind working in the right mode on Monday morning) then reading the poem again, I like it. It makes me wish this were Friday evening instead and maybe a little warmer weather. Very pleasant thoughts it prompts. Thanks Pete |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Sorry I took so long to respond to your comments, my online connection was down for a few days. Thanks for all the suggestions. Craig: Yes, I was considering (and I still am) adding more verses to this poem. I will play with the ten-syllable-middle-line idea and see what I think. bboog: I think I could pull off a sonnet, put there are so many rules and stuff that it makes me nervous. However, I will try it as an experiment. Elyse: Thanks for the suggestion, but as I am a capital-A ametuer, I don't even know what a villanelle is. But, perhaps I should find out. jbouder: No compronde "tanka" (read comments to Elsye)but thanks for the suggestion. I am a little concerned myself about the "a’ campfire lit"/"a' moonlit". I knew the sound I wanted there and that is it, but I was also concerned that it might be distracting--overall I decided that for this poem sound was more important. I was hoping to get more comments/opinions on that subject. Thank you for yours! Not A Poet: Thanks for your comments, I am responding on Thursay, so you just have to hold on one more day for the weekend. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kirk: As far as sound is concerned, I think you've done a very good job (I like your use of alliteration and the consonants you chose complimented the subject you were describing). The only line that seemed "off" to me sound-wise was "With soundless fish swimming in a nearby stream". While it has the same number of syllables as the "cicadas" line, its pace (also called "syllable length") was considerably slower or longer in duration. Is that what you were looking for?  Jim |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Jim: No that wasn't what I was looking for and actually I had noticed that it sounded longer (I even recounted the syllables several times). Do you have any suggestions on how to fix this? I did have "silent" instead of "soundless" but I thought the long "o" and softer consanants worked better. What do you think? |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kirk: "with the SOUNDS / of ci-CA- / -das and CRICK- / -ets SUNG" "with / SOUND-less / FISH SWIM- / -ming IN / a NEAR- / -by STREAM" I broke them up this way so you could better see where I think the lines differ. First of all there is a difference in meter. The first line is mostly anapestic (which, in my opinion, reads faster) while the second is mostly iambic. Second, "cicadas" and "swimming in" both make up syllables 5, 6 and 7 in each line. Notice how much faster "cicadas" is pronounced than "swimming in". What do you think? |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Jim: I see what you are saying. I don't really know much about the technical part of poetry--I haven't had any poetry classes and so I am at a little bit of a disadvantage when it comes to fine-tuning this type of problem. I sort of just have to play it by ear. This is one reason why this forum is very helpful to me. I really appreciate your comments. I have a questin that might seem sort of dumb but how do you tell which syllables are emphasized in a word or sentence? Do you just listen or is there some other trick? Thanks again for your help. Kirk T Walker |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
I write by ear also. I have a lot to learn but I loved this, I dont know what to call it, how to offer a critique, I only know when I read it I yearned for June and sleeping under the stars. Well, I'm a big help huh? Kathleen |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Irish Rose: Thank you for you comments. I appreciate the encouragement. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kirk: Your questions don't are far from being dumb (I asked the same questions not so long ago). I will try to keep my answer as brief as possible. The first thing I do is read the line naturally. An example: "There was an old man from Nantucket" If you read this line out loud you will notice that you place more emphasis on certain words moreso than other words. When you read this line out loud you should hear that "was" is stressed greater than "There" and "an" so your first three syllables would be accented like: "there WAS an ...". The word "old" sounds to me to have the same stress as "an" and "man" has a greater stress than both. So our line looks like: "there WAS an old MAN ...". If you are getting the idea, then I think you can finish the rest. It tends to get more complicated than that but I think this is a good place to start. Like anything, it takes practice to be able to "hear" syllable accents and lengths. You start off a little uncertain (like when first learning to dance) but then it becomes easier as time goes on until you can do it without really thinking about it. BEWARE ... once you start scanning everything from songs to advertizing slogans to things your friends say, your condition will be incurable. Good practice would be reading and commenting on sonnets in this forum and trying to "hear" the accents as you read the lines aloud. Let me know if I can be of any more help. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 04-24-2000).] |
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