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Critical Analysis #1
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The Fight
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Fight |
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Majere Junior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 32 |
The darkness pervades, and gloom dominates. Starlight can't brighten, my predicted fate. The cold sinks in, and cuts as a knife. I race throughout the night, to prolong my life. My mind gets cloudy, and the world spins. Trying to clear my head, can't let dizziness win. My muscles ache, and my bones creak. I'd cry for help, if I could only speak. My thoughts go blank, my eyes turn white. I cannot believe, I'm losing the fight. Suddenly a strength, deep from within. The strength to fight, a chance to win. My mind slowly clears, and my eyes begin to see. I look for a way, to tear myself free. I break and run, victor of the fight. As darkness gives way, to beautiful light. ------------------ Such is the way to immortality ;) |
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| © Copyright 1999 Majere - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
In the 5th, 7th, and 8th stanzas, the comma at the end of the 3rd line is not necessary. Otherwise this flows nicely ... the short and choppy lines convey the subject of pursuit well. ------------------ "Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus" (When I hear the bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.") |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Looks to me like Majere is trying to maintain a form, though I could be wrong. Why do you say the commas are not necessary? ------------------ Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
I only meant that the commas were not necessary to reinforce the pause ... but I did miss the fact that he might be trying to maintain a form of comma third line ... Sheepish grin ... well I can't be right all the time ... good work Majere (and by the way, Raistlin is one of my favs, did you get your name from him?) ------------------ "Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus" (When I hear the bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.") |
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pen of passion Member
since 1999-08-11
Posts 234 |
I don't think the commas are necessary either, but the author could have a reason which escapes me. I liked the poem, but I was unsure of the message: was theme making it through the night? |
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Anvrill Senior Member
since 2002-06-21
Posts 710in the interzone now |
The commas are a bit problematic; they make the rhythm a bit halting. But other than that, a very good read. I don't often like strict rhyming poems, so you've done very well.  written in blood before everything went black |
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