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The Wonderings of Despair
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Wonderings of Despair |
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Darin Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 17 |
The Wonderings of Despair By Darin Maner Lonely back streets all around you You wander down the broken path of reality The deafening sound of silence Echoes through your senses What once was sincere will never be again Everywhere you go you see constant reminders Of yesteryears past and broken friendships Solitary regret has taken over your days With no where to flee, and no place to transform You stumble throughout your life of gratitude. You try to hide the uncertainty, but that can never happen The constant reminder is rippling through your sanity Fighting the anguish only makes you suffer worse What was rendered as truth, can not be dismissed The essence of time can not heal the wounds it created |
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| © Copyright 2000 Darin Maner - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
The first stanza's good...back to the top with this. I'm getting extremely tired now, after looking over all the poetry on all this site, so...I won't respond. Everyone, if you like this poem, have a go at it. I'll pick it up later if nothing else. There's potential here. There is no Devil. Just God when He drinks. --Tom Waits |
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Darin Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 17 |
Thanks for you comments. I appreciate it |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
Darin--don't thank me until I've followed up on what I've said. I've done nothing for you, until now.  I'll start off by saying that I'm a fan of the first stanza. It works. "What once was sincere will never be again" is iffy, but I think I get it, after the third reading. It threw me the first couple times, just so you know. "Solitary regret has taken over your days." I don't like 'taken over your days'. Maybe you should personify solitary regret and make it really HURT you instead of just consume you. I like "with no where to flee and no place to transform". That's cool. "You stumble through your life of gratitude"--for this to avoid seeming like a non sequitir, which it borders now, you need to maybe expand on this idea, show what a life of 'gratitude' is. At this point, because it is unexplored territory for me as to what that type of life is, I'm curious to see what it is. Give us some background. You've got a whole lifestyle, type of life, that is unfortunately hidden by shadows. "You try to hide the uncertainty, but that can never happen"...the first part of this works. I can see it as a good segue into something strong. The "but that can never happen" is weaker. It rides on the strength of an idea that is a very natural continuance of your previous statements. Maybe, and this is your call, you could try and pick out some particularly metaphorical objects in the backstreets--this will make your description of your broken friendships and people stronger while simultaneously making the now-vague backstreets more vivid. Go to a bad part of town tonight with a couple friends. Walk down a back street. See what real despair is. Could be a good bit of inspiration. The last four lines of the last stanza lose power. "Constant reminders rippling through your sanity" is reminiscent of "the deafening sound of silence echoes through your senses." The 'silence' line is far stronger and more vivid than 'constant reminders', possibly because you have to picture sanity as a liquid pool capable of Doppler effect reactions to constant reminders. "Fighting the anguish only makes it worse". It's not BAD. It's true, in fact, when you're in a moment of despair. But this line could be made vivid. "What was rendered as truth cannot be dismissed". This is redundant as-is. Obviously what was truth cannot be dismissed. You may try and put a spin on it by saying that though you don't LIKE it, or though it may SEEM wrong, the truth cannot be dismissed. "The essence of time cannot heal the wounds it created". "Essence" is bad stoner poetry terminology. It's not a BAD word by nature (There are no bad words. Just bad usages.). It's also not a strong ending. Just strike this line and think of something else, I say. I don't know what you'll come up with, but... Now I've helped you. Some of it you will refute, and some you will concede to. These are just my opinions. You've got a good poem here, if you work with it. See you around. Wordshaman There is no Devil. Just God when He drinks. --Tom Waits |
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Darin Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 17 |
OK now I will thank you for critiquing my poem. I am very new at this. I have written 3 poems in my life all within the last 3 weeks, and I have posted every one of them on this forum. I just write what I feel. I think the longest I have spent on any of them is 25 minutes. I will now go back and change parts of this poem. I plan on taking a writing class of some sort soon to gain knowledge about writing. I also don’t understand why it says i am a junior member. Can anyone explain this to me? |
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