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Thank You (Please Critque)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Thank You (Please Critque) |
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Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania 
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This past year came and went so fast We made it to this point at last I’m so glad we stuck together Even in the stormy weather Came here in the beat of a heart And over this year never did we part Never knew I'd love someone like you And I never thought that you'd love me too You're outgoing, not one bit shy I'm so quiet, I don’t really know why We got together that great day And always I am here to stay I want care for you til the end Forever I will be your friend And if something happens and we part You'll hold a sole place in my heart Life would be empty without you So don't leave me, no matter what you do You blessed my world with your smile And I hope with me you'll stay a while You cared for me, you showed me love Said I'm your angel from above I awake, thoughts of you fill my head Go on through the day,until bed We made it through it all and more After a year, you make my heart soar You're the one I was dreaming of And my life was blessed with your love I'm yours, will you belong to me I love you more than you can see Not sure how to explain how I feel All I know is my love is real Thank you for all you did this year You put joy in the place of my fear. I tried to work on it. Is this any better? ------------------ People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. -Bob Hope [This message has been edited by Angel (edited 08-18-99).] [This message has been edited by Angel (edited 09-16-99).] [This message has been edited by Angel (edited 09-16-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Susan Acacio - All Rights Reserved | |||
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elvira Senior Member
since 1999-07-06
Posts 936California |
the only advice i can give is something i do myself, counting syllables to improve the flow  |
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Julie Senior Member
since 1999-08-20
Posts 739Houston, TX |
I recommend reading it out loud to yourself or someone else. You will hear your mistakes. For the most part it looks good, just a couple of places it stumbles. |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Line 17 needs another comma: "if we do, in fact, part..." This is very good in that you have managed to maintain the rhyme scheme in a longer poem ... my only other suggestion is to eliminate a few words or syllables here and there (substitute different words) to allow the meter to be more regular ... count syllables as Elvira said. ------------------ "Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus" (When I hear the bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.") |
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