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M. Rivera
Junior Member

since 1999-07-22

Posts 13
San Francisco

0 posted 1999-08-13 12:19 PM

KNOCK AND UNLOCK

I sit and ponder with great heart
ache the trials of life;
and why I let them bring
me great strife.
I feel like the great stromy
rain that falls to the ground.
The lock to a key unfound.
A scream that is seen with no sound.
The hands of a clock spun round.
But what do all these things
mean, you ask?
Perhaps it symbolizes all
the unclosed wounds inflicted
upon me from the past.
Now how many more harsh words
will you cast?
Or will my internal sufferings
of my past give you a reason
to run fast?
At times your attitude toward me
can be like that of a ferocious
lion with a malignant mouth.
Or even an absent free bird
flown South.
But I'd rather remember
you when you are as sweet,
soft, and gentle as a dove.
To this, can you call, is love?
Well, even now I'll continue to
ask myself why, why you can't
just open up and be the lost key
to my lock?
The locked door that awaits your
compassion, gentleness, and true
Self to knock.
As I sit and perceive this day
to be near,
I hope that you understand, and
listen to all this
you hear.
Or else I will have no
other choice, other than
putting you to
the rear.

Caribbean Queen=M.Rivera

[This message has been edited by M. Rivera (edited 08-13-99).]

[This message has been edited by M. Rivera (edited 08-13-99).]

mister61
Junior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 41
bergen county, nj

1 posted 1999-08-18 01:55 PM

I just commented on your other post and wanted to check this one out. It seems really heartfelt. You're a good writer. I think I'd offer the same critique as what others said about "Dare to Ask Why" (I hope I got the title right). You choose your words really well, but the rhythm and syllables in each line make it a little hard to read smoothly.

M. Rivera
Junior Member

since 1999-07-22

Posts 13
San Francisco

2 posted 1999-08-18 02:46 PM

Thanks again Mister61. Maybe you can show me an example on how to improve the rhythm?

mister61
Junior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 41
bergen county, nj

3 posted 1999-08-18 03:08 PM

Hmmm, an example. I don't know. You know how in a song the lyrics kind of bounce with the rhythm, or between beats? Poetry feels the same to me, without the music. I wouldn't want to change your words, because they're so clear and to the point. But the rhythm can change by switching words or adding/subtracting a syllable or two:

"And why I let them bring me such strife"
"The lock to a key that's yet to be found"
"A scream that is seen without any sound"

Does that make any sense? (I don't know what I'm talking about technically, it's just how it struck me.)

[This message has been edited by mister61 (edited 08-18-99).]

[This message has been edited by mister61 (edited 08-18-99).]

M. Rivera
Junior Member

since 1999-07-22

Posts 13
San Francisco

4 posted 1999-08-18 03:24 PM

Okay Mister61. I see what you mean! Thank you. Hopefully I can actually think that way when I'm writing! It does souund better that way!

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