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The Evening City News
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Evening City News |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
The body count starts at seven when you watch the TV news. But they tease you - til eleven singing the same old violent song with a slightly different tune. It's the evening city news. Tonight at seven, three people: A teacher, fiance and son Were shot to death by someone who later committed suicide using a handgun. Our announcer sings lead vocal: "When she didn't go to school That morning, all the other teachers knew. For on Valentine's Day, said the fiance, 'Your ex is nothing but trouble.' For more on this, here's Larry, standing at the scene." "As students mourned her passing, A co-worker found a note. To find out even more on this, don't miss the news at eleven." At eleven, the second-string announcer puts away his pen and sings: "He slaughtered his ex-wife, her fiance and son, and when he was done he killed himself. For more on this Here's Larry, still standing at the scene." "As students mourned her passing, the principal found her note, -It said please not to allow her fiance to ever meet up with her ex. sick of him controlling her tired of his abuse. Yet, the day before the shooting the two men were seen with the principal, smiling and shaking hands. The teacher's note slipped through a crack that's what we understand. Now back to you in studio." The second-string announcer checks his notes before he ends his endless tune. "A shotgun and handgun were used. And we'll have more news after this- Happy Easter everybody On the evening city news." [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 04-22-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Robert Boog - All Rights Reserved | |||
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
bboog Last two poems about tv I'm not blind... At first read I thought this could be shorter,then POW! too much info. just like tv.Got me(I'm blond),does this stuff hit you on the spot or what.6th stanza typo. Good read. tom go outside, you live in calf. i spend half my life chasing her around,the other half waiting for her |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
B- What is it with the lamentations lately? Actually, I find myself right there with you much of the time. You're preaching to the choir (again). The only thing about this one that I found a little (VERY little) distracting was your shift back and forth from a more or less iambic rhythm to a less structured format then again back to the structured rhythm. Again, this is a very minor point. I think your message and the thoughts that your poem evokes actually tends to distract me from noticing the variations of meter. Nice work B-, but take Tom's advice ... go outside, man ... you're in Southern California and there can only be a few more weeks before the smog becomes unbearable.  Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Bob, Interesting contemporary piece...but I suggest you follow Jim's advice about enjoying what you have out there, and I think we can spot an unvoiced suggestion when we see one...."Lighten up", is the message I'm getting. You? Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Bob, The last poem I read of yours got me in a way that few poems ever do (including the greats). Again, I thank you for that. Believe it or not, this one works for me as well but I do think some pruning is in order. As Jim pointed out, you're preaching to the choir so perhaps it's time to add a little more depth to your insight? The body count starts at seven when you watch the TV news. But they tease you - til eleven singing the same old violent song with a slightly different tune. It's the evening city news. --you've got a great contrast between the theme and structure, why do you lose it later? Tonight at seven, three people: A teacher, fiance and son Were shot to death by someone who later committed suicide using a handgun. --perhaps a little more symmetry? Our announcer sings lead vocal: "When she didn't go to school That morning, all the other teachers knew. For on Valentine's Day, said the fiance, 'Your ex is nothing but trouble.' --Where'd the structure go? For more on this, here's Larry, standing at the scene." -- Just curious. Is Tim White still the editor of the Signal? Is there still a Signal? I went to school with Tim. "As students mourned her passing, A co-worker found a note. To find out even more on this, don't miss the news at eleven." --repetitive. Your slowing us down here. At eleven, the second-string announcer puts away his pen and sings: "He slaughtered his ex-wife, her fiance and son, and was he was done he killed himself. For more on this Here's Larry, still standing at the scene." --like the irony but you're still slowing us down here. "As students mourned her passing, the principal found her note, -Said not to allow her fiance to ever meet up with her ex. --bored now (think alternate reality Willow from Buffy, the V. Slayer -- last year for you guys).  Yet, the day before the shooting the two men were seen together with the principal, smiling and shaking hands. The teacher's note must have slipped right through a crack. Now back to you in studio." --Huh? Expand this idea -- can you show us more of the dynamics of the relationship? The second-string announcer checks his notes before he ends his endless tune. "A shotgun and handgun were used. And we'll have more news after this- Happy Easter everybody On the evening city news." --Great ending but, like the media, you've left us without any real depth. Sorry, but I expect more from you these days. Brad |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Bboog, I don't get a "lighten up" message here. What I do see is the obvious poke at the tv news types who are as full of themselves as they are of crap. (But more on that at 10:43). Also, I rather liked the way you rambled a little between structure (details at 10:52) and free flow. That seemed to add a little to the sense of chaos or feeding frenzy. I don't know if this sort of stuff ever makes great poetry but it does point out a significant mental irritant. BTW, I like the "go outside" advice, then you can just ignore the BS. Thanks for writing. A good job here. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
I liked this poem, it was well written, and very angry. However, i do agree with brad and jbouder that you are preaching to the choir, which is not to say that aren't some among us who aren't in the choir, but maybe trying a new angle on the news might offer a new challenge. Nonetheless, its well done, I had a great sense of seeing this as a musical parody on stage with actors. Its the evening city news, (big smiles and overconcentrated sternness from reporter). LOL. Yeh, gave me a bit of a chuckle, look forward to more writing. |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
To Tom, Jim, Kris, Brad and Pete and Patch~ Thanks for reading and commenting. I've actually been outside quite a bit lately, as the sunburn on my back and chest will attest. I haven't written anything decent (or indecent) for a little while so I reached into my bag of "oldies-but-moldies". Guess I shouldn't have posted this poem after a topical one like the MTV one. This is not a "new" poem but one that I had written last November and had posted on another Web site. I changed a few words and then posted it here, making it a seasonal thing, with Easter coming up. My thought was how life's tragedies continue despite the Easter decorations/festivities. And as Pete noted, there is a little bit of ridicule in it toward broadcasters who are full of themselves and who sometimes seem to enjoy broadcasting bad news. Brad, yes Tim Whyte is still the editor of the Signal. And I will play around with this one some more. I like to let a new poem stew for a while before posting. But in the meantime, I'll rummage around and see if I can find a less topical (preachy) one. Thanks again for your comments. Whether you like a poem or not, I appreciate your taking the time to read and respond to it. best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 04-11-2000).] |
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