»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
An Early Morning Wish (re-write)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
An Early Morning Wish (re-write) |
|
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
|
Awakening... As dreams of you slip away, I arise, yet remain on the edge, Knowing... It's much...much too early. Yet I sit, as images play, As words silently reverberate, And I envision the empty space Left behind by your departure, Though in my thoughts you remain, Stubbornly refusing to leave, And I need you to do just that... Go ... now ... please! Then perhaps I won't sit alone In the dusky, too early morn, Head in hands, weighted down By the sadness, the thoughts of you. So very tired, yearning for sleep To take me for just a while longer, Because maybe ... just maybe, When I awaken again, You'll be gone. Kristine< !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 04-11-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi again Kris, I like the scene here and your wording, as always. But honestly, I think the short lines break up the train of thought a little much for me. I don't know, maybe that was your intent. But I'm a little puzzled anyway. Pete |
||
|
patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
I liked this poem, probably cause i just wrote one similar to it, not ten minutes ago. Serendipity. The only thing i can suggest here is maybe exploring the reality that really you don't want the image of the person to leave; that is, if its a good dream- a good reminder. In other words, you want them to leave, because its distracting and causes heartache, but at the same time you don't want them to leave because you love them. Of course i interpreted the "you" of the poem as a person, but having re-read it i can see it can be interpreted as a dream itself, so with the latter interpretation, the poem stands fine. sorry i guess i was getting my own ideas in there a little. I enjoyed it, thanks for the read. Marc |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, Sailboat racing?!!! Sounds wonderful. Bet it's a colorful sight. This was a bit of an experiment...to duplicate the way thoughts come to you in bits and pieces when you first awaken, in that semi-fog, especially if you haven't gotten enough sleep. Maybe I'll use the words, but put them in a more traditional format. Thanks, Pete, nice to see you back. Marc, Thanks for the positive comments, and, yes, I did mean a person, not the dream. It is exactly as you said, but if you read the above reply, you'll see what I was trying to do. It would be difficult to go into depth and reasoning with this type of thinking. Thanks, Marc...looking forward to the one you said you just wrote. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I re-wrote this into a more traditional form, and I'm wondering what those who had read it before think of it now. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ah yes, Kris. It reads much easier now for me. I guess my attention span just wasn't long enough to absorb the original but now I can see the whole sad situation. Yep, I've been there. At some time or another, probably most of us have. I much prefer the revision but JMHO. Pete |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, I totally agree with you...thanks for the push. I should quit experimenting, and stick to what I know works for me and my style of writing. Thanks, Sweet Pete, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
No no. In the short time I have known you I have come to really appreciate not only your tendency but also your ability to experiment. If we don't continuously try to expand our horizons, how can we ever grow? No, I feel certain, and thankful, that you won't ever stop experimenting. Sweet Pete  |
||
|
Gonzalo Junior Member
since 2000-04-08
Posts 44MI |
I didn't read the first version, but I really like this. This reminds me of how I sometimes get an odd sense of comfort from painful memories. Very bittersweet. Jim |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jimtoo, Thanks for reading and for your comments. Any sort of comfort from these thoughts, though, is very far into the future, I fear. Thx again, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
||
|
Darin Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 17 |
I enjoyed your poem |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thanks, Darin. No messin' around...you get right to the point, and waste no words doing so. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
