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Critical Analysis #1
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The Turn
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Turn |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
In Kyoto station, I got off the subway train. I looked at a map and even English letters Were beginning to look unfamiliar to me. Alone, I tried to be inconspicuous like A white boy can't be seen in the middle of Japan. I met a girl who smiled and giggled because she Heard all the handsome American guys are queer. What am I doing here? What am I doing here? Maybe I should go home, back to the real world, And get together again with my ex-girlfriend. After all, it was only that I wasn't there When she needed me, only then did she need him. I sighed, my shoulders dropped, glanced at a Kirin ad. I'm lost and too afraid to ask someone, too tired Of hearing, "No English. No English," for a year. What am I doing here? What am I doing here? I started to exit and passed white heels, tanned legs, A tight mini-skirt, leather jacket, and the flash Of the black mirrored eyes of Sailor Moon. I turned, Like a dog, chasing perfume put on too lightly -- I forgot where I was, I forgot I was lost; For she had turned as well and was looking at me. I thought, maybe for the first time, as she paused to Pull her long wine highlighted hair behind her ear: I know what it is. I know what I'm doing here. |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Hello Brad I liked this, it had a start a middle an end and did a good job of describing who you are, where you are, and why you were there. I do have a couple of gripes, the line ‘When she needed me, only then did she need him.’ Sounded out of place, I mean if that’s how you talk that’s fine, but I couldn’t imagine anyone actually saying the second part of that line! It’s probably just me but see what you think. The next bit that didn’t seem right is also to do with how things are said, I think what the people were actually saying was ‘No Ingleesh’ or something of that ilk. That’s how I said it as I read it anyway! ( See you even got me doing the characters voices now ). Thanks for the chance to read and reply. Craig Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Hey Brad I do not have the time at the moment to comment in depth. But I just want to say that upon 1st read BRAVO!!!!!!!. A stuuning piece of poetry. I will return latter, or tommorow to more fully comment on the poem. See Ya |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
Informative and entertaining,I did'ent know they had english maps in Japan. You sure shes not saying "don't mock me roundeye" tom all day-every day |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Hey Brad I'm back. You know I read your poem last night and commented. I thought that I would print it out and really read it in depth and offer you some very constructive critisism. So I printed your poem up this morning. Put it in my napsack and went for a walk by the lake. I intended to read and comment on the poem while I was there. I read it over and over and over. Possibly looking for something. You know what? I could not find one single thing. I really, really enjoyed this poem. I personally would not change one single thing. It paints a wonderful picture of isolation.( Feeling out of place.) I think that's why I personally like it because of the universality of the emotion. We have all at some point felt as if we did not belong. Thanks For the read See Ya |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Bradlee, I liked this story...a twist on the theme of feeling lost unless you have a purpose. I'm not perfectly clear on that purpose in this work, but the speaker gives one a fairly good clue. I may be afraid to ask what the speaker's "I know what I'm doing here" meant, because I may have too much to say about it, and I might regret what I have to say. I am trying very hard to look at just the poem, and not the motivation, or the meaning behind the writing. I think I really liked this, as it is a departure from the other poems of yours that I've read. This left more room to expand on feelings. I liked the repeated "What am I doing here?", which added much to the perception of being alone among others. This also reminded me of your question in Philosophy 101, and I couldn't help but notice all the "labels" in this piece - I'm not saying that's bad - I'm saying that I was just more aware of them after pondering the subject. Brad, I enjoyed the read. Thanx Kris < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 03-27-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Brad, Very interesting and enjoyable. You did an excellent job of describing the feeling of being alone in a croud, an outsider or even outcast. I know many who never met a stranger or feel out of place. But then there are many of of who do not so easily fit into a new environment. This poem speaks well to that segment. You have some really terrific lines here. "Alone, I tried to be inconspicuous like A white boy can't be seen in the middle of Japan." Like Kris, I'm a little puzzled by the ending. "I thought, maybe for the first time, as she paused to Pull her long wine highlighted hair behind her ear: I know what it is. I know what I'm doing here." I have an idea of where it is going but still puzzled as to its reason for being there. Finally, not sure you can get by with this line "Heard all the handsome American guys are queer." in today's world.  but you be the judge of that.All in all, quite enjoyable Brad, thanks. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad: Well this is a different side of you, my friend. You incorporate the great philosophical questions into this one well and your answers were amusing. What I find even funnier is I think you may be onto something as I tried to imagine you introducing this philosophy to the Greeks on Mars Hill. I bet your wife loved this one (assuming she is the one in the mini-skirt and leather jacket). I stumbled ever-so-slighty over the "only then did she need him" line until I understood (hopefully correctly) that "him" should be emphasized to make it clear that by "him" you are talking about another guy. Not a serious stumble but it did cause me to pause to figure out what you were saying. Thanks, Brad. I often wondered what your culture shock must have been like when you first relocated to the other side of the Pacific. Jim |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Brad, I got invited to a post-Oscar party at one of the studios last night and know the feeling of being the odd man out. Unlike your experience in Japan, however, I saw enough black leather pants, mini-skirts, and push-up bras to last till the end of next month. Re: this poem. I liked the concept but I think your voice sounds too placid for the madness that seems to be going on around you. I suggest you add a few abrupt starts and stops, perhaps only in the first and last stanzas, to give the impression of how it felt. This would allow the reader to match the confusion of the speaker. Example, currently it reads In Kyoto station, I got off the subway train. I looked at a map and even English letters Were beginning to look unfamiliar to me. Now with more abrupt starts/stops Kyoto station subway stops. I get off. Rush, rush People moving forward like a human sea of Japanese. Map, map, Even English letters look unfamiliar to me. What am I doing here? What am I doing here? I don't know if this makes any sense, or if you'd want to go this route. It just seemed to me that you have some repetitions in this poem that might be stronger by making them into a pattern. best regards, bboog |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
Bboog just made me think of an idea on a tangent of his. The whole scene, as he said, drips of madness. Maybe make this into a more surreal piece, convey that madness and insanity in a more abstract way. I guess I'm almost thinking like one of those dark 70's/80's sci-fi movies (Brazil comes to mind right now). Maybe don't even do that for the whole piece, just for the parts when you feel alone. When you see her, that insanity disappears and a more traditional style might be more appropriate. Those are my thoughts for now, see ya around. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I just wanted to thank everyone for commenting on this piece. It's one of my favorites. As for the ending, well, Kris, you're probably right. I think there are times when the big questions are answered by being human, notoriously, irresistably human. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  Ryan, You gotta know me well enough by now to know that I just love that idea. Gonna write a new one with your idea specifically in mind. Brad |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
Interesting...I'll be looking for it. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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