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Critical Analysis #1
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New poet, please critique: U-Scan
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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New poet, please critique: U-Scan |
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Gonzalo Junior Member
since 2000-04-08
Posts 44MI |
U-Scan Self-Serve Drive-Thru Drop-box U-Scan ****. I know her duck down an aisle Pay-at-the-pump One of these days I'll want to go where everyone knows my name One of these days I'll pick up the phone One of these days I'll take a chance But until then, thank god for U-Scan Pay-at-the-pump ATM... |
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| © Copyright 2000 Gonzalo - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Gonz, First, let me welcome you to CA. I get the feeling that though you may be a new poet here, you are not a stranger to writing. This poem was original...fresh, and speaks so much about today. Quite a unique spin on the "avoidance of r/l" theme. Wouldn't change a thing. Great job. Kristine P.S. A word of warning...our esteemed moderators, especially "the Ogre", do not particularly like the word "****", no matter how you disguise it, as this forum is accessible to most anyone. the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Gonzalo, I'm the ogre.  Kris is correct (again) but please explain how four asterisks contributes to the aesthetic value of the poem. Profanity is not allowed in this forum (sort of) and I don't see the need for it anyway. I've said this before and I'll say it again, it has already been done so do something else.That said, it's an interesting poem but I'm not sure how effective the 'Cheers' reference is -- bars and alcohol can also be a way of hiding from real relationships. I should know, it's one of my favorite pastimes. Brad |
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Gonzalo Junior Member
since 2000-04-08
Posts 44MI |
Thank you for your comments Kristine and Brad. This is a wonderful forum. Sorry about the profanity - should have read the guidelines closer. You're right, it's not needed. I was trying to convey a sense of panic/furstration. I used the "Cheers" reference because at the time I was feeling very estranged from popular culture and from my peers. I agree bars are not usually to place to make real, constructive change but that doesn't seem to stop me from trying! When will I learn... |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Hey welcome to passions. (Sounds like a high class escort service. LOL). I like the idea of this poem, really cool, but i felt it was a bit underdeveloped. I felt you could have really got into a character experiencing the anxiety, rather than writing a justification for the behavior. In other words, write what is happening to the character, as its happening, instead of stepping out and writing about what happened. I have to agree with Brad, i think who was referring to the cheers reference as a bit ineffective. I liked the reference, it was cool, but maybe if you had piled the reference in with the other abbreviations it might have had more effect. Showing how Cheers is a bit of illusion, and that bars aren't necessarily the place for "meeting" another human being, would have worked really well. A line like :" One of these days i'll talk to her about the weather OR One of these days I'll ask her if she has the time". Something simple like that gets the feeling of motivating yourself, even if it isn't much, to talk with another person. I enjoyed the poem. Welcome. |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Well, I liked this a lot right off as is, perhaps because I didn't recognize the reference to a show I've never seen. As Patch points out, if that reference jars some readers, it's easily changed. Profanity is sometimes useful, but not really in this poem (and this forum.) I think the poem is fresh and solid. I hope it's not too autobiographical, or if so, is past tense. |
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