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A Sonnet - Frozen in Time (Edited)
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A Sonnet - Frozen in Time (Edited) |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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He laid upon the pillow, hand behind His head...Contented grin spread wide across His face. Those eyes of blue that made her blind, Just gazed at her with such mischievious And loving thought that she was overcome With thankfulness for him. Now they're apart. With future plans undone she's left with some Conflicting feelings and a broken heart. Though it was she who said good-bye, she felt She had no choice, and now she's grieving, too. She fears sweet thoughts of him will never melt Away, but haunt her, frozen pieces, blue. Again, she sees his face as he lies back, Those eyes, that grin...tears rain, elegiac. Kristine < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 04-08-2000).] |
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Malcolm Coleman Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 24United Kingdom |
Well, once again, I like your style. I can relate to this poem, and I especially liked the rhyming couplet at the end. I had to look up the word elegiac, but when I did I REALLY liked it! For those who don't know, and to save you the trouble, here's a definition: 1 a : of, relating to, or consisting of two dactylic hexameter lines the second of which lacks the arsis in the third and sixth feet b (1) : written in or consisting of elegiac couplets (2) : noted for having written poetry in such couplets c : of or relating to the period in Greece about the seventh century B.C. when poetry written in such couplets flourished 2 : of, relating to, or comprising elegy or an elegy; especially : expressing sorrow often for something now past The double meaning of the word fits in well with your poem. Beautiful. Just one suggestion: Change "They gazed at her, with such mischievious And loving thought that she was overcome With thankfulness for him. But they're apart." To "They gazed at her, with such mischievious And loving thought that thankfulness for him overcame her. But they're apart." I just thought that "thankfulness for him" sounded clumsy. Keep up the good work Malcolm ** It seems I've waited years for this day to end. - Ronan Harris Thanks for reading, hope you're still awake. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Malcolm, Thanks for reading, for your kind words, and also for your suggestion. Though I know this sonnet needs some work, perhaps an entire rewrite, I don't think I could accomodate your change. I could do a variation, but I have to (try to) stay within the strict structure of the sonnet. I must say I've done better. If you want to see some good examples of sonnets, go back and check out jbouder's, Brad's, or Not a Poet's. Free verse is my usual, but every once in a while, I try a sonnet. Please do not use this one as an example. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Malcolm Coleman Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 24United Kingdom |
'fraid I don't really know the structure a sonnet should have, can anyone help me here? feeling dumb Malcolm ** It seems I've waited years for this day to end. - Ronan Harris Thanks for reading, hope you're still awake. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Malcolm: Check these sites out for starters. Then feel free to ask any questions you need to. I, by the way, couldn't write a good sonnet before I started posting here. This place works. /pip/Forum32/HTML/000025.html /pip/Forum22/HTML/000042.html Kris: Technically I can find nothing wrong with this sonnet and, as I do with your free-verse, I enjoyed your word choices throughout. What made this one difficult for me was the abundance of punctuation. The punctuation, as far as I can tell, is correct but the number of commas caused me to pause too often and, for that reason, your sonnet did not read smoothly to me. "He laid upon the pillow, hand behind His head...a grin, self-satisfied, across His face." The problem I see in these lines is "self-satisfied". I think it breaks up the natural flow of the sentence. I would suggest that you look for a word that has a similar meaning and use it as an adjective for grin, losing the commas. The elipsis is fine here, I think. It emphasises the right place for a good, long pause (in my opinion). "[His face]. Those eyes of blue, that made her blind, They gazed at her, with such mischievious And loving thought that she was overcome With thankfulness for him." A few tweaks would help these lines. The wording is fine. Again, I think the commas are the culprits. I would suggest: "Those eyes of blue that made her blind, / That gazed at her with such mischievious / And loving thought ..." I like the sound of replacing "They" with "That". Just my opinion, however. "But they're apart. / Now, future plans undone, she's left with some / Conflicting feelings and a broken heart." A few small rewordings would help these lines, I think. "Now they're apart. / Her future plans undone, she's left with some / Conflicting feelings and a broken heart." Do you see how "Now" instead of "But" frees up the following sentence to begin with "Her", allowing you to drop one of the commas? Again, this is only my opinion, but I think this smooths out the line. "Though it was she who said good-bye, she felt She had no choice, and now she's grieving, too." No problems here. "Sweet thoughts of him, it seems they'll never melt Away, but haunt her, frozen pieces, blue." Why not: "I fear sweet thoughts of him will never melt / Away, but haunt her, frozen pieces, blue." Just a suggestion. "Again, she sees his face as he lies back, Those eyes, that grin...tears rain, elegiac." I liked the couplet too. It would be interesting to try to modify the last two lines to form an eligiac couplet. "Eligiac" could arguably be scanned as either "el-I-gi-AC" (da-DUM-da-DUM) or "el-I-gi-ac" (da-DUM-da-da). The last three syllables would form, in the second case, a dactylic foot. Just a thought, but Malcolms definition got it going. Content wise, you never fail to express emotions well. The sadness is almost palpable. Thanks for keeping the sonnet-fever spreading.  Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thanks Jim...I knew this just didn't sound quite right, but I wasn't sure how to fix it. Now I realize, as you said, that it's mainly because of the punctuation. Kris Malcolm, Jim was the one who guided me through sonnet writing when I didn't know anything about meter, feet, or any of the other technical names in structured poetry. He's an excellent teacher...but, now that he's moderating, he has less time. If there's any way I can help (I'm still quite an amateur), just give me a yell....Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Kris, I liked what you've done here. Sonnets are easier to read than write. And Jim is an excellent mentor of them. What I liked most about this poem, your rhymes didn't seem contrived and you also scored for keeping it trim and yet not anorexic. Very nicely done. An A for effort, an A for content and an A for excellence. Oh, and an A for the title too. Good job! best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 04-07-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kris & B-, thanks for the compliments but I am still on the sharp end of the learning curve myself. I am alway happy to help, though. Kris, the crazy, real-life business won't last forever. In the meantime, I'll try not to make myself such a stranger. Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
bboog, All A's!!! Wow...but I think you're being overly generous with the gradebook. Better check again. JB, I realize you're very busy at work, plus you have got to be Daddy too. That's a lot of responsibility. I credit you for being able to do what you do here. Did that make sense?  Kris < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 04-07-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, Sorry I'm late getting to this one, but I've been away for several days racing sailboats (can't take the laptop on the boat for too much weight, you know). It's good that you do write an occasional sonnet and good ones when you do. It's also good that you posted one while I was away and unable to do it Well, Jim seems to have thoroughly critiqued here so I think I'll just add a couple of compliments. I thought you did an excellent job with the run-on lines. You relate a sad and all too believable story in a quite enjoyable manner. Your rhyme and meter are spot on. And you used some words we don't see every day. An excellent job. And thanks again for keeping a sonnet out there. (I may have another one today  )Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, Thank you so much, but my sonnet writing is still in the infant stage, while you, Jim, Brad, Jenni, and others write mature ones. I'll keep trying it every once in a while, though. Thanks again, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
LOL @ mature ones. Why is it, then, that I flinch whenever I re-read one of my old sonnets? I like your revisions, by the way, and I'm glad you've decided to play with enjambment a bit. Later, Kris.Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jim, I thank you for your suggestions...it did even it out quite a bit with less punctuation...reads smoother now. You do have talent, m'friend. Thanks again, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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