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Pot-O-Gold
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Pot-O-Gold |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648
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At bboog's suggestion I have posted this here for critique. There is one little word that he would suggest that I change but he didn't want to do it in Open (which wouldn't have bothered me by the way, Bob) I'm always open to improvement, especially on a piece in memory of my parents. I want it to be the best that it can be. So mentor away, guys! If wishing it could bring you back to me Beside me here then you would surely stand My heart would sing in three part harmony If once again you graced my lonely land. If wishing were the balm to heal this pain At last my heart so light would sing a song Of joy replacing sorrow's sad refrain And dance a happy jig my whole life long. But wishes can't do anything at all And dreams, I know, can't change a single thing Reality has cruelly come to call And missing you's the only song I sing. At rainbow's end we'll meet again, I'm sure That pot-O-gold that I am longing for. For Mom and Dad, in memory. ------------------ 12/99 Denise And slight is the sting of his trouble Whose winnings are less than his worth; For he who is honest is noble, Whatever his fortunes or birth.~~~Alice Cary, ~Nobility~ |
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| © Copyright 2000 Denise - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Well, I'm off to babysit now for my grandson. I won't be back online until late tomorrow. I'll check then to see if anyone replied! Have a great night! Denise |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
D~ I was a little rushed last night so I'm editing this message. And now the phone is ringing!. The word I think you might change is "cruelly" as it is a judgment. The book that I happen to be reading,(Seat of the Soul)says that people should avoid making judgments. Why? The book claims there is a lesson to be learned in life and if it's not learned it will be repeated. Making judgments and/or using negative emotions means that a person is not healing or "getting" the life lesson. Example: did Christ judge those who spit in his face? No. Did Gandhi prosecute the attackers who beat him six times? No. Both Gandhi and Christ possessed "non-judgmental justice" a perception that allows a person to see everything in life as it is, and doesn't engage negative emotions or make judgments. According to this book, the soul recognizes that death is part of life and therefore does not attach a negative connotation to it. (Not even for tragedies such as the Holocaust or the Inquisition.) So after finishing a chapter of this book, I happened to read your poem,and thought that you should delete "cruelly" because reality is neither cruel nor kind. It just "is". Perhaps you could simply say that reality has "finally" come to call? (The word "finally" emphasizes the coming to an end of life as well.) Other than that one word, the poem (I think) stands fine as it is- a lovely tribute to your parents. best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 04-09-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Denise, This is a wonderful tribute to your parents, and it states your feelings. That's why I think you should leave, "Reality has cruelly come to call" exactly as it is. That is your feeling, and it doesn't have to fit any rulebook. Don't mean to go against Bob, this is just my humble opinion. Great job, Denise. Kristine the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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jfreak Member
since 1999-06-17
Posts 306Yuma, AZ, USA |
hey denise, I just like to say that you have done a pretty good job of writing a shakesperian sonnet. (at least that is what I think it is called) Anyway, this poem is outstanding and a great tribute to your parents. To be honest I thought the poem's ending was a little loose. Then I recognized the form of sonnet you wrote and I think you did it very well. I still don't know though about the ending. It could have been a little tighter. I can't tell you how to go b/c it's about your parents and only you know how to write about them. I am just saying what I see from here. JFreak |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Bob- that's quite a bit to think on that you've given me here. Thank you for taking the time to explain this. I can see the point the author is making in his statements. I certainly believe that having negative attitudes toward aspects of life (like dying) are not healthy in the long term but isn't there any room given for temporary negative emotions usually attendant with such upheavals in our lives? Just curious. Perhaps I should purchase the book. I think I've seen the author on the Oprah Winfry show before and meant to get it because I thought he had some good ideas. Thanks again for your suggestions, I appreciate it! Kristine - Thank you. These were my feelings as you stated. I am glad that that came across. I agree, our emotions usually don't follow a rule book, that's for sure. Thanks for reading and commenting! Jfreak - Thanks for reading and commenting. Yes, it is a Shakespearean Sonnet which has become my favorite form of writing. Sometimes I wish a couple of more lines were allowed for a more comprehensive 'feel' but that's the sonnet for you! The closing couplet is the 'resolution' to the 'conflict' presented in the preceding verses. I was also trying to caputure in them the flavor of my Irish heritage. I am open to other suggestions to make the couplet 'tighter'. Thanks again for reading and commenting! I do appreciate it! Denise |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
D~ The chapter I was reading was called "Karma" and had to do with how one creates Karma on a daily basis. As I mentioned, by some strange coincidence, I had just finished this chapter and then had read your poem; otherwise I probably wouldn't have made a comment on that particular word. But by all means, don't take my word for it! Purchase the book. It's got some interesting stuff in it. Oh, and yes, somebody else mentioned that he was recently on Oprah. best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 04-10-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Denise, I've been away for several days and just now found your sonnet. I have to agree with Kristine. This is a beautiful tribute to your parents. I wish I had written it  Your rhyme in the couplet is not perfect and that is the most important on in a sonnet. But I think it is fine in this instance so no complaint there. I guess my only complaint would be the line spacing to break it up into apparent stanzas. My personal preference for a sonnet is to have no blank lines and no indented lines. Simply let the reader recognize the form without unnecessary stimulation. But that is, of course, JMHO. Thanks for a very nice sonnet. Pete |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Denise: I just can't pass up a sonnet. Structurally, you follow the form of a Shakespearean sonnet and you use one near rhyme in your ending couplet. I have no problem with this sort of thing but I will comment on your choice of words later. I thought the content was moving and I enjoyed reading it. One weakness I see with this one is your tendency to try to force the arrangement of words in your lines in order to get the rhyme and meter right, especially in the first four lines. I am a big fan of sonnets but I am also a big fan of having the lines read naturally. This is the often frustrating challenge of verse that has forced me to throw many of my favorite lines away. "If wishing it could bring you back to me Beside me here then you would surely stand My heart would sing in three part harmony If once again you graced my lonely land." I don't think you started your sonnet off with your strongest line. As with any poem, I think the first line is the grabber. If it is weak then it is likely that you lose half your audience before finishing the first stanza. If it is strong the reader continues on. You do have some strong stuff in this first stanza. I made a few suggested tweaks and changed the context of "stand" a little bit to blend with the musical theme you are setting. Let me know what you think: "My heart would sing in three part harmony If once again you graced my lonely land. I'd wish in song to bring you back to me; Beside me you would take your place of stand." I think the "My heart ..." line is the strongest line in the stanza and I thought it was a shame to bury it in Line 3. "If:, I thought, was a relatively weak beginning word and lacks the grabbing effect that "My heart would sing ...". Just my opinion. "If wishing were the balm to heal this pain At last my heart so light would sing a song" I would suggest rewording the second of these two lines a bit. Would you really talk using this word order? Maybe: "If wishing were the balm to heal this pain/ Perhaps at last my heart would sing a song". Just a suggestion. Having "so light" modify AND follow "my heart" seems a little awkward. "Of joy replacing sorrow's sad refrain And dance a happy jig my whole life long." My grandmother is pedagreed Irish and I can appreciate your use of "jig" here. I liked these lines. "But wishes can't do anything at all And dreams, I know, can't change a single thing Reality has cruelly come to call And missing you's the only song I sing." Now THAT is a thematic turn. From wistful wishfulness to cold, hard reality. Nice touch. The only word I thought was unfortunate was "you's". It reminds me of my sister and her friends when I was growing up here in southcentral PA saying "Hey, I don't care what yous thing." *Shiver*  Could just be me, though. "At rainbow's end we'll meet again, I'm sure That pot-O-gold that I am longing for." I was a little bit disappointed with your choice of end-rhymes in your couplet. I KNOW you can do better than that. You rhymed "harmony" in the first stanza (not a common word to rhyme by any means). And you end your sentence with "for" which (correct me if I am wrong Pete) is a preposition and is (or was) a grammatical no-no. I love the punch of the couplet's content. That, I think, is strong. But, in my opinion, the end words should change. It is good to see you posting in here, Denise. Later. Jim P.S. Bob (bboog), there is also an equally convincing school of theological thought that attaches a negative connotation to death considering it to be unnatural ... but that is a discussion better left for the Philosophy Forum ... are you game? [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 04-10-2000).] |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Hey yous guys(hehehe) Thanks for all the time you have taken to help me with this. I appreciate it. Here is a rewrite using some of your suggestions. Let me know if this is better, okay? Jim, I didn't know Philly slang had made it all the way to south central PA. I thought only us Philly folks tawked like that.  Also, one question, I understand that 'for' is a presposition and shouldn't end a sentence but why is it not a perfect rhyme with 'sure'? Is there another way to pronounce 'sure'? I pronounce it the same way as 'shore'. My understanding of perfect rhymes as opposed to near rhymes is that perfect rhymes have identical ending sounds, which it seems, to my ear at least, 'sure' and 'for' do. Please enlighten me!! Thanks again, everyone, for your help! My heart would sing in three-part harmony If once again you graced my lonely land If wishing it could bring you back to me Then here beside me you would surely stand. If wishes were the balm to heal this pain My heart at last so light would sing a song Of joy replacing sorrow’s sad refrain And dance a happy jig my whole life long. But wishes can’t do anything at all And dreams, it seems, can’t change a single thing Reality, alas, has come to call And missing you is all that I can sing. The sweetest melody for me awaits At rainbow's end beyond those pearly gates. Denise [This message has been edited by dsnyder (edited 04-12-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Naw, I lived in Pittsburg a few years ago in the military. Never did get used to "yous guys". Also, I always thought sure pronounced as shore was a Texas thing rather than PA. I like your revision. The rewrite of the couplet probably is better except for two minor points. First my personal preference is still to leave out this blank line too (I thank you for dropping the others). Second, lovely in the last line seems a little light weight. Like you just had to add it to make the pentameter. Sometimes we almost have to do this but I think something a little more meaty rather than just an adjective would make this a stronger line. Sorry but I'm scratching my head (which seems empty at the moment) and can't even come up with a weak example. Well, like I said before, this was a lovely sonnet, made even better in its current form. Pete |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Thanks for your input, Pete. I changed the last line....I'm still not happy with it. The more I think about it, it should probably contain a musical reference to mesh with the rest of the poem....I'll have to give this more thought. Thanks again! By the way, how do you all pronounce 'sure'? Just curious. Denise |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Denise: Real quick ... I think "sure" and "pure" are perfect rhymes and "sure" and "poor" are (very) near rhymes just as "sore" and "poor" are perfect rhymes while "sore" and "pure" are near rhymes. Again, I never had any problem with the use of what I understood as a near rhyme. My only problem was your use of weak rhyming words. The rewrite is much better, in my opinion, and I agree with you and Pete about the second line of the couplet. I think yours is a good idea to tie the musical theme into it. Good job, Denise. Later. Jim |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
D~ I like your rewrite. The pot-o-gold seems to flow much better with the "pearly gates" (or something like that- rather than the preposition "for"). I'll see if the chapter I'm reading has any phrases/insight for you. best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 04-11-2000).] |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
I undertand what you mean now, Jim, thanks! Thanks for your help too, Bob! I came up with another couplet that I think is better. What do you all think of this one? (I edited the one just above) Denise |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jim Interesting: quote: here in the uk: "sure" and "pure" are NEAR perfect rhymes and "sure" and "poor" are perfect rhymes and "sore" and "poor" are perfect rhymes while "sore" and "pure" are near rhymes Great poem Denise btw ... sorry to be so brief. Philip |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
D~ I got stood up by a client, and while waiting around had a minute to play around with your sonnet. (Hope you don't mind.) Here goes: My heart would sing in three-part harmony If once again you graced my lonely land If wishing it could bring you back to me Then here beside me you would surely stand. If wishes were the balm to heal this pain My heart at last so light would bring a dish Of joy replacing sorrow’s sad refrain Or dance a happy jig. Oh but for that wish. But wishes can’t do anything at all And dreams, they die by the morning’s first light Reality, dear God, has come to call. Though you are gone, your smile still shines bright. The sweetest melody- to hear your song At rainbow’s end, beyond forever long. best regards, bboog |
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