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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Where Are You? |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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I walk the gray stone halls, Alone, searching for you, I climb the dark, curving stairs, Lit by but a single candle's flame, Casting grotesque, mercurial shadows, Looming large and mysterious, Upon the rough walls. And I call out, "Where are you?" It echoes back, too many times, And I find doors lying open, With only entrance to emptiness. Those closed, I knock upon heavily, Though they go unanswered. You are somewhere in this structure, I can feel you. And I call out, "Where are you?" With each step, my vexation, My languishing grows, I crumble to the cold, hard floor, And as I lay there, the void within overtakes me...I sleep, Though fitfully, restlessly For I can still hear the echoes. "Where are you? Where are you?" Dreams descend of a knave of mischievous manner, Hiding in every nook and cranny, Never revealing himself. Even in sleep, this roguery plagues me, Though moreso upon arising, To walk once more with heavy heart, Calling out, "Where are you? You scoundrel!" Kristine< !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 04-03-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Malcolm Coleman Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 24United Kingdom |
Wow Kristine you have real talent! A good vocabulary and an apparent understanding (instinctive or learned) of form. I always maintain poems should flow, and this does. I like this, it reads nicely, I'm just curious as to what it is about? Why did you write it? Consider putting "You scoundrel!" on a line by itself. Then the overall shape of the poem becomes mroe symmetric. Anyway, must sleep now  Malcolm Coleman ** It seems I've waited years for this day to end. - Ronan Harris Thanks for reading, hope you're still awake. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thank you, Malcolm, for the kind words, and also for your suggestion. As you can see, I did just what you wrote above, and I think it did improve both the look, and the reading of the poem. Thanks again, Kristine the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Kris, I don't want to sound like a cliche or a broken record but once again you paint an intensely vivid portrait using only words. Again I didn't see this one before the edit but I think moving "You Scoundrel" to a separate line was the right thing. I only have a problem with one word. "I crumble to the cold, hard floor," For some reason "crumble" just seems the wrong image here. It makes me think of a broken vase or a crushed cookie or something like that. Maybe that's what you intended though? Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Pete, Maybe "crumple" would fit better, what do you think? Using "crumble", I thought of kind of, sort of, falling to pieces, I guess. There's a really old song titled something like that, isn't there? Thanks once again for your kind words, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
warmhrt, once again I read your poem with delight. This poem(IMHO)was quite smooth with few stumbling blocks. The second stanza, to me, was exceptionally marvelous. I could almost hear the heavy bass noise as you knocked on those doors. As also I could feel your seaching listening for some clue even as the echoes of the doors and of your voice come back to you. I felt like I was right there! There is so much more I'd like to say about this one but I'd be yakking all day.  I savored this. Cap. Cap. Carg. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Kris, I thought that was where you were going with crumble so I gues you can say you made the point but technically it just sounds wrong (I think our friend JB would refer to a left-brain syndrome or something). I suppose crumple is probably more appropriate but it really doesn't say quite the same thing does it? Anyway, it's a delightful piece either way you go. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Capitaan, Once again, I will thank you so much for your kind words. I am thrilled to find out that my words evoked the images that they were intended to. Pete, I think I'll leave "crumbled"...you're right...that's the picture I wanted to place in people's minds, and I'm gonna stick with it. You seem to be taking care of business...are Brad and JB still swamped with work? Philip, I'm upset with you, m'friend. You have not posted replies to at least my last three or four poems. If you have a reason, it better darn be a good one!  Kristine the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Kris ~deep crimson blush~ ......er would you believe "I'm swamped with work?" ... true actually - we have our year end audit going on at the moment and the only person i'm sufficiently frightened of that i dare not ignore her poems (and demands) is the fearsome (kangaroo emulating) Lady K Back soon P [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 04-04-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Don't know what has happened to our esteemed moderators! BTW, noticed you didn't ask about Trevor and haven't seen any of his writings lately so went to check only to discover he is no longer listed as a moderator. Now I wonder what happened to Trevor too. Hope he didn't just give up on us. BTW, Philip, it's good to hear your cheerful voice again. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Sir Philip... I find it hard to believe that you are so swamped that you can not find five minutes to reply to a friend's poem. (Oh, geez, what do I sound like?) Truly, in my whole life I've never been a harpy nor a nag. I'll leave you alone now, with an apology. ~sorry~ (sniffle...sniffle)Kris Pete, I think Trev is taking a break from us...not sure. I hope we weren't too hard on him. Kris P.S. Don't tell him, but Philip's voice is going to be anything but cheerful after I get through with him. the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
warmhrt Good work.The end tied it together for me. It's a keeper. Tom |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Tom, I graciously thank you...I've never had anyone say "it's a keeper" before. It says a lot. Thanx again, Kristine< !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 04-05-2000).] |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Kris, I think you might consider putting a different title on this one. Perhaps "Your Love"? or "Your Loving Heart" or something of the sort. It would (I think) help tie the whole poem together. Good idea. Good work. best regards, bboog |
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