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captaincargo
Member

since 1999-11-25

Posts 109
Corning, N.Y. U.S.A.

0 posted 2000-04-02 09:04 PM

When I needed you
You were not there
When my heart needed your caress
You were gone and alone I grew
Myself I learned to dress

In my teens I grew up hard
Fought my way though trial and test
My heart grew cold and
No one to hold
No love at my behest

So now you're here
And you say I'm dear
That you love me nonetheless

But what you don't know
Is that love can't grow
Simply with your request

You say you love me
I say why now the interest
I cannot give what I've never learned
But I love you none the less

Cap.

...
But, when the snow is on the ground
And all the puddles freeze,
I wish that I were very tall
High up above the trees.

            "Playgrounds"
              Laurence Alma-Tadema



Cap. Carg.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2000-04-03 10:45 AM

Cap,

I can't say why right now but for some reason I simply love this one. I get a distinct image of a relatively young man (maybe mid 20's) speaking to his mother. I know this is a rather obvious image but your wording and train of thought made it quite vivid for me anyway. I think there are a couple of lines I would alter a little but right now I really can't say. Will come back later with a more objective view.

Well done and thanks.

Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe

db
Junior Member

since 2000-03-28

Posts 13

2 posted 2000-04-03 11:01 PM

Cap,
I think this poem gets stronger as it goes along. The last three stanzas carry the poem. Concerning the first two stanzas, the natural word order of lines 4,5 has been altered simply to get the rhyme, which always seems awkward to me.
line 8 change 'and' to 'with' (?)
line 10 'behest' is rather archaic
Lots of feelings here. I like that.
Regards
Dan

bboog
Member

since 2000-02-29

Posts 303
Valencia, California

3 posted 2000-04-04 02:19 AM

Cap~
This is a very sweet poem. Like some advice to Kris, don't be afraid to delete a few "little" words. We'll still know what you're talking about. (Just a few, mind you.)
Example, it currently reads:

My heart grew cold and
No one to hold
No love at my behest

So now you're here
And you say I'm dear
That you love me nonetheless

Take out a few little words and you get:

My heart grew cold
No one to hold
No love at my behest

So now you're here
You say I'm dear
You love me nonetheless

Don't know if you like the change or notice a difference, but it's a subtle thing that I think will make this nice poem even better. You've done a good job on it.
best regards,
bboog

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