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Alan's Song
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Alan's Song |
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
'and i will lift you up on eagles wings' return your gentle soul to god enclosed within my heart while angels sing hopeful hymn of resurrection sorrows pass to infinite never to be remembered but the dream will live again in the souls rebirthing i'll hear your voice upon a summers breeze catch your image floating crests upon the sea see your smile laughing on a child know you will never be forgotten no one but myself may keep the memory but where i go there will be written god in heaven keeps his eye upon the smallest sparrow he will not forget the death of innocence [This message has been edited by Diana B (edited 04-02-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Diana B - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Ahem...just ignore this accidental post until a nice kind Mod. deletes it...  [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 03-31-2000).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Diana, I have to say this a poem well done. It is very gentle - with nice imagery. catch your image floating crests upon the sea see your smile laughing on a child. These lines are really good in particular. There is one little thing that bugs me - the little i's. I do think it is a good idea to change them to I's. Little ones are most disconcerting - they interrupt the rhythm...  There were just a few typos here to be wary of - such as 'my self' and 'written,god'. I think your last line is wonderful also...it sums up the whole thing All in all - a job well done, Diana. K'Writing sharpens life; life enriches writing' Sylvia Plath |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Diana, this was lovely. I can't point to any one line in particular, but it left me with a good feeling, with a slightly melancholy tinge. That's sometimes the trick to these types of poems. I think Severn has a point, although my typo's are legendary to some people. Thanks for entering this in Crit A. I await your next one. Cap. Now, everyone that believes in telekinesis: RAISE MY HAND!! Cap. Carg. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Diana, This is a poem of imagery and very touching emotion, an excellent work. The word choices were superb, and the rhythm flowed. I especially liked: "catch your image floating crests upon the sea see your smile laughing on a child" and: "keeps his eye upon the smallest sparrow he will not forget the death of innocence" Very nice work, Diana Kristine the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
thank you both so much for your kind comments. i corrected the typos and thanks for picking them up, but i'm afraid the "i" has to stay that way...truly sorry if it offends. again, thank you... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Diana, I really enjoyed this one. Very nice imagery throughout. I guess I agree with Severn about the little i's and little g in God. But I accept your insistance that they stay that way since you are using all lowercase. It seems a little wrong but that's probably just my preference I do wonder, though, about your punctuation. For the most part, the poem seems to be not punctuated then in places, you used a period or comma. Most punctuation you have used seems grammatically wrong. I wonder if it might be better just left out completely. It seems a valid characteristic to just let the reader insert punctuation as the context demands. Overall, the poem leaves me with a good feeling Thanks for writing. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
bless you not a poet i tried for so long to not use any punctuation at all but got called on it so many times started inserting just enough to occasionally break a line you have just released me from that curse thank you thank you thank you [This message has been edited by Diana B (edited 03-31-2000).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Diana it is never about being offended!! LOL! It is your poem... This is a place for opinions... Hey - I next to never use punctuation, honestly. It just interrupts the flow of my poems - I am an ardent descriptivist! [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 04-01-2000).] |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Diana B~ You have some nice images here and also in the "group-poetry-puzzle poem" (can't recall the name right now) and just wanted to give you a pat on the back. Good job. Having said that, a suggestion for both poems. I think what might help you would be some blank space. Since there isn't punctuation, your poems visually are like long run-on sentences. Give us readers a little break! example: 'and i will lift you up on eagles wings' return your gentle soul to god enclosed within my heart while angels sing hopeful hymn of resurrection sorrows pass to infinite never to be remembered but the dream will live again in the souls rebirthing Back to the critique. By giving us some room to digest your word pictures, I think that you'll find that readers will be less critical about punctuation/capitalization/ issues and more involved in what you have to say. (I know I will) best regards, bboog |
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
thanks bboog what you suggested was what i plan to do from now on feels like me thanks for your help and guidance |
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Patrick B Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 58uk |
a tinge of sadness is right but hopeful too...overall I enjoyed it hello darkness my old friend |
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